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Original poster

Money issues when partner loses job - my role as SM?

61 replies

sm12 · 22/10/2013 11:34

DH has recently lost his job. This is not good news for anyone and he is stressed out, understandably. I really, really feel for him. He is doing all he can to secure another and looks like he will have to take quite a pay cut to get one.

Meanwhile, his ex has been less than sympathetic. Of course she is worried. Up until this point he has been paying her a very large four figure sum (Child maintenance + spousal maintenance), in part because he used to be a high earner but those days were some years ago and so he has been using what is left of his savings to continue at the same level. They have one child between them and shared residency.

Currently she is putting a LOT of pressure on him to sort this out, which he is trying so hard to do. He can pay her this month and maybe next with what is left in the pot but after that if he doesn't get a job....

I work full time, but don't earn a lot of money, and contribute to our household. It certainly won't stretch to keeping us all afloat. I do have some savings that I was hoping we could put down towards a deposit to buy a house in the future. In light of the changing financial circumstances I now have no problem in using this money to keep the three of us (me, Dh and stepchild) going until such time he finds a job but am now under some pressure to also fund the ex (talking spousal maintenance here, child maintenance I would be happy to pay). I think this may well evoke in me bad feelings, sorry!, and be harmful with regards to the DH's and my relationship in the future.

I know that the Ex lives mortgage free, works part time and receives benefits, and that not receiving the DH's spousal maintenance will be a hardship but.... Am I being unreasonable? How can I manage this without upsetting anyone, including me? What should I do?

OP posts:
Loveineveryspoonful · 24/10/2013 10:33

Agree with last two posts, don't do it. What are you? His partner or his exw cash cow dispenser?
Do not even think of going there despairing because thinking of own terrible past mistakes
When others tell you that you are being too good, listen to them. The imbalance may get to you and may cloud your relationship with dc. That would be seriously bad all round.

Petal02 · 24/10/2013 10:41

SM12 - what happens if your DH gets another job at even less money than expected, or doesn't get another job for months? What happens if you lose your job? What happens if your boiler blows up, your roof starts leaking etc etc? And you've committed to paying over-the-CSA-recommended-amount payments to the ex? Please think very carefully about this.

MirandaWest · 24/10/2013 11:32

As an XW who gets maintenance from XH, I would feel distinctly uncomfortable if his DP was having to contribute to child maintenance. The payment he makes is based on a proportion of his current salary ie not savings and not money anyone else earns. I agree that you shouldn't pay any maintenance at all.

Petal02 · 24/10/2013 11:59

But some exes don't care where the money's coming from ........ they'd be happy to take it from the 'new' wife's granny, if it meant staying in the style they'd become accustomed to !!!

MirandaWest · 24/10/2013 12:01

I must be a nice reasonable one then :)

I suppose I see child maintenance as something that is obviously nice to get(!) but since XH and I split up I have been able to increase my earnings and overall I am probably better off than when we were together.

mumandboys123 · 24/10/2013 12:24

do you understand, Petal, that sometimes it's not about 'lifestyle' but more about survival? There is a comment that states '£2000 a month is more than enough'. And it may well be. But for someone paying £800 a month in childcare and who has a mortgage of £800, it'll probably cause some problems. So much depends on where people live and what their basic outgoings are.

MirandaWest · 24/10/2013 12:33

I suppose in this case as the ex doesn't seem to have any rent/mortgage to pay £2,000 per month is likely to be a reasonable amount.

Original poster
sm12 · 24/10/2013 13:03

Thank you everyone.

The ex is mortgage free and there is no child care to pay. If I do not fund the CM going forward then the 2K would drop to £1,550 a month. I do't know if that's acceptable? We have the teenager for more than the agreed 50% of the time, which is nice.

I just don't know what to do now. I hear you all re. expenses that might come our way and the fact that it might be a while until DH finds something else. All very worrying as it's not looking good on the job front for the DH at the moment. There might be something in the offing with a start date of January at a lower salary. If we can wait it out until then.... or maybe something will come along in the meantime. It's not from lack of trying, that's for sure.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 24/10/2013 13:08

Yes, I do understand it’s about survival – but that doesn’t mean the OP should feel obliged to pay child maintenance. But as the ex doesn’t have housing costs (if I read that correctly) then it doesn’t sound like she’s going to be made homeless by the new arrangements. I’m not suggesting the drop in income will be easy for her, but if both households will be taking a hit, I’m still not sure why the OP feels she should ‘shield’ the ex. I just wonder where this will end?

Original poster
sm12 · 24/10/2013 13:21

The guilt comes from being concerned that the drop income may induce a period of mental ill health and this would in turn affect the lovely teenager. This has already been very recently hinted at! I don't know the ex at all well, preferring to keep my distance but I wouldn't want anyone to suffer unduly. That said I can ill afford to make the payment, this I know and it will irk me if I see my savings dwindling away to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
sm12 · 24/10/2013 13:22

No, no housing costs or child minding costs. Just the costs of living and utility bills.

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 24/10/2013 13:36

Is there just one child involved? Was your DH earning a very high salary before? My XH earns about £45k, has the DC on average probably 3 nights a fortnight (as it can vary mainly due to me working away sometimes the maintenance gets calculated on a monthly basis) and I get about £350 a month child maintenance. And this is with two children. Plus I have to pay rent. So I would see £2,000 with no rent or childcare is a pretty generous amount.

Original poster
sm12 · 24/10/2013 13:42

Just the one child. He was on 65K Miranda and paying £1250 spousal maintenance and £450 child maintenance, so a total of £1700 a month (a voluntary agreement between the two of them).

I know I could happily live on 2k or less a month, as I have done as my earnings working FT are considerably less than that but everyone and everyone's needs etc are different...

OP posts:
ATailOfTwoKitties · 24/10/2013 13:52

Hold on a minute.

If the child lives with you more than 50% of the time... why are you paying so much in child maintenance?

Original poster
sm12 · 24/10/2013 14:00

ATailofTwoKitties, because my DH is a very generous and kind man, probably far too generous and I think going back to what catsmother mentioned about mental health and emotional blackmail, there is a little bit of that in play throughout their relationship, possibly. Anyway he is very aware he pays her too much CM but has done so probably for the reasons I mention just now and because he doesn't want his child to sufffer in anyway.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 24/10/2013 14:06

It’s starting to sound like the ex has got him over a barrel – she takes advantage of his generosity, and hints that if he reduces his payments she may become ill which could affect the child.

It’s one thing to be generous and succumb to emotional blackmail if you can afford it, but if your circumstances change?? SM12, I really don’t like the sound of this. What if you couldn’t or wouldn’t top up the payments? What if your DH were single?

And how would your DH react if you said “sorry, I’m not paying towards child maintenance” ……..

needaholidaynow · 24/10/2013 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 24/10/2013 18:28

Eeek SM12, that's a lot of money by anyone's standards. It's absolutely ridiculous - voluntary or not - that the so-called spousal element was far in excess of the child maintenance. I've already said that you have no legal obligation to continue paying child maintenance yourself, and now you've said that the child spends more than 50% of the time with you anyway I wonder why your DH was paying CM at all really ..... I'd have thought the logical and sensible thing would be for each parent to pay child related expenses when child was at theirs, then come to some agreement re: larger one-off type payments like school uniform, school trips etc.

It sounds to me - and especially so with the emotional blackmail and backlash - that all this money is more about keeping the ex in the style she was accustomed to rather than about the child. TBH, in the circumstances, I'd actually stop CM too right now - you have no idea when DH will find work or what that work will be - and you shouldn't feel guilty at all as the child is with you a majority of time. I just think you need to preserve all you can while the future is so uncertain, and when things change again for DH he can reassess the situation .... obviously, he wants to do stuff for his child, but I'd be inclined to try and have him think of setting money aside for their benefit rather than giving it to the ex. Remember she has no housing costs, so her overall living costs must surely be a lot lower than yours - if she's unnecessarily extravagant, then she'll just have to curtail that won't she.

Petal02 · 24/10/2013 19:01

But above all SM12, the ex and her finances are NOT your problem!!! Do you think she'd dip into her savings to prevent you from making cut-backs???

Petal02 · 25/10/2013 15:05

SM12 - I hope we haven't offended you?

bellabom · 26/10/2013 11:49

Sm12, you are one of life's lovely lovely people. You generosity and acceptance of the situation will benefit this child in so many ways.

But, this woman is not in paid work (or working very little - assumed due to the fact that she doesn't need childcare) and she has no rent/ mortgage to pay. Why is she entitled to £2000 a month untaxed? I don't understand. In fact, if you have the child more than 50% of the time I can't understand why it's not you guys who get the maintenance and benefits.
I'm not asking you to wholesale reject everything you believe in regards to supporting this child and it is a grand thing that you do but please, let's get some perspective here.

bellabom · 26/10/2013 11:53

Sorry, the kid is a teen right? So maybe that's why there's no childcare to pay for. But actually, If she is working there's kind of even less reason to feel guilty..

There are a lot of wives out there (current and ex) who have had to tighten their belts in recent years. Some have become depressed, yes. But petal is right about ring fencing. I I brought home sometimes 2k+ in bonuses a month in the good old days. Sadly due to the recession those days are gone - who do I claim my loss of earnings from??? Wink

Caramelia · 26/10/2013 12:52

When my DH lost his job for awhile, I footed the Child Maintenance bill. But it was nowhere near £2,000 for 1 child. I would draw the line at that.

Have you done the CSA calculations for your salary with having DSD for more than 50% of the time? I wouldn't pay a penny over that if you're inclined to keep paying.

Original poster
sm12 · 01/11/2013 11:31

Thank you all. I am sorry for disappearing but all this opened a HUGE can of worms for us. It has been a trying time but I think we see things a bit clearer now. It has not been helped by the fact that the ex is refusing to have the teenager until we pay up the Spousal Maintenance! So as things stand we are now FT carers/parents and are doing all we can to minimise any negativity. Really very sad state of affairs at the moment :-(

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 01/11/2013 11:47

WTAF? Does the ex have no morals?

I hope you aren't now paying her a penny if the teenager is with you full time.