What is "typical" contact for a NRP?

[MadameGazelleIsMyMum]

Just wondering what is typical as we are in a mess with differences of opinion on contact.

I will try and keep it factual. DSD is almost 8. She lives with her mum 25 miles away. DH moved this distance away if that is relevant. We have two small DC.

When DH split with his exP, DSD was just 2. ExP then worked Mon-Fri and didn't want to "share weekends" with DH. DH is a shift worker but managed to get a fixed rota giving him 2 week days off. He saw DSD on week days because it made little difference to him and made life easier. He was not, at this point, "allowed" DSD overnight. When DSD started school, his time was cut short on the weekdays. ExP still didn't want to share weekends despite change in circumstances. As a concession though, about that time, DSD started coming overnight one night per month (again, all that was "allowed" by exP, DH would have preferred more frequently). He has never really challenged the situation, preferring to remain on reasonably good terms with exP. This is generally achieved by avoiding conflict by keeping things as exP wants.

DH's shift patterns have largely remained the same. He still has the same week days off and as a consequence works for a portion of the weekend. The contact increased to EOW 1 night with longer and shorter return times on alternate visits. DH also saw DSD one afternoon after school and often whenever we were in DSD town for outings. DH does all the travelling back and forth and always had done.

DSD's mum now wants DSD to stay EOW Fri-Sunday morning. This is partly because she thinks DSD needs to spend more time with DH, but also because exP has to work 2 Saturdays a month and needs childcare for when she works. ExP works v limited part time hours. DSD now has an activity on Sunday mornings.

I work FT and weekends are my only time with my DC. DSD does not want to come Fri-Sun morning. She would rather come Sat-Sun when DH is available. ExP says time for DSD at ours without DH is important for mine and DSD's relationship. I feel like I am being used as free babysitting service on my v limited free time and this is not reasonable. I agree with DSD but think she should stay all day Sunday at least sometimes to spend time with DH/as a family. I know it means missing her activity. DH can't not work on Saturdays now, for a variety of reasons, unless he stopped working entirely. It is one option, but not a wholly realistic one.

What should contact be? How do we find a solution? How do people deal with DC activities, is missing them just a part of being a child of split up parents?

Sorry for the essay!

DP and I recently did a lot of reading around this, as it looked like we'd have to apply for a court order. The average (if there is such a thing) is every other weekend and one night in the week, but everyone has a different situation and ends up coming to their own arrangements. This is maybe not a great deal of help, but I'm sure you can reach a compromise? Good luck :)

Thanks Flying. We 're getting together to discuss next week . Good thing is that it is all quite amicable so I hope a compromise is possible.

Flyingbird is right that the "typical" contact would usually be alternate weekends, and possibly a midweek as well if practical. My own DCs go EOW and also alternate Monday nights (when they've just had a weekend with me). My DSC come to us every weekend from Friday evening til Sunday evening, though I think it's unusual for a mum to not want any weekend time with her DCs.

But it's all about compromises really isn't it? Any chance DSD could do her activity on a different day of the week? Is it really important to her, or something that could reasonably be dropped? You say she's prefer to come to yours on a Sunday - If it's just her mum who wants her to do the activity and DSD would prefer to see her dad, then I think she should drop the activity. Or is it totally out of the question for your DP to drive her to the activity and back? (25 miles up the motorway is probably OK, across a city maybe not).

Or could she maybe do Fri-Sat one time, and Fri- Sunday evening the next? That way she has to miss her activity only once a month, but gets to see her dad for a whole day once a month too.

Is it feasible for your DP to also pick her up from school midweek one day a week/fortnight and take her out somewhere to have some quality time together, then drop her back at her mum's before bed?

Purple, yes he does do that one evening per week, and she comes two midweek days in every school holidays too. Some really good suggestions, thank you. DSD's activity is driven by her, seeing if it can be another day is a good idea, as is missing it once a month as an option. Food for thought ahead of an exchange of views planned for next week.