Please post - if you had a magic wand for stepfamilies...

[cappy123]

Hi folks. I've posted a couple times in other threads, but just to say I am a newbie here. Quick intro: just married after 2 years dating to lovely hubby and moved in with him and resident DSD (13). General adjustment ups and downs. Quite co-operative ex.

Now we all know that 'first family' support and advice often fails to cover the complexities of stepfamily life. But we're playing a huge part in raising the nation's children here. Our compassion, courage and commitment (often mental, emotional and financial) goes unrecognised in the face of stereotyping, misunderstanding and lack of support.

So come on, if you had a magic wand what would you say stepfamilies needed (remembering your stepfamily involves a range of people) and why? From forums and meetups, to guidance for government and institutions, think as big or as small as you like. I'll kick us off:

1. Positive teaching about, and role models of, stepfamilies in schools. Why? So kids get insight about and can share a little of a stepchild's world.

Cappy
PS Good to meet you all - no doubt will return to seek advice in future threads :-/

Parenting classes for the NRP.
DP was so out of his depth when his wife left him. He was a typical 'after work' dad, helped with bath and bedtime and left all the parenting to his ex.
Suddenly he had whole weekends with his kids and no idea what to do with them! So he did what they told him to because he didn't want to upset them. Result: 2 spoilt, entitled, nasty children.
5 years and a LOT of hard work later and they are lovely and have completely changed into good kids but if he had been given more help from day one things would have been so much easier for him.

Wow - that's quite a story. Thank God the hard work paid off. In my situation, hubby listens and acts when I present a situation non threateningy, but it's hard work. Sometimes the smallest things that parents could do (esp around limits and consequences) make a huge difference, even if they are out of their comfort zone.

I give MN credit for the transformation. I posted on here a lot and got wonderful advice which I then took credit for passed on to DP.
If he'd been offered help from day one it would have saved a lot of heartache!

MN.

that was my magic wand.

To be honest, mine has been relatively smooth, because DSD had always lived with DH, he knows what he is doing and I just sort of 'slipped in'

I did take on the mother role though, and I did that at 21 so had a few of my own issues to deal with. I think I set myself up a bit because I now have SUCH a strong bond with my DSD I get extremely angry with her less than adequate mother and that is not constructive for anyone.

So my second magic wand has been , and up until pregnancy with DS1, fags. (good advice?! ha)

50/50 presumption, far more support for couples breaking up/in dispute about arrangements for DC's, mandatory mediation, and much speedier resolution if things have to go to court, with one judge having the case from start to finish.

When DH finally got a robust court order most of our problems disappeared!