I think DP might be about to become a Disney Dad

[confusedwwyd]

DP has an almost 6yo from a previous relationship. He and ex have been apart since DSS was about 1.5 yo. We currently see him EOW and extra time in the holidays due to the distance that DP's ex moved after the split.

Up till now, DP seems to have resisted the urge to be a Disney dad - disciplines when DSS really pushes the boundaries and has enforced rules such as staying in his own bed all night - to varying degrees of success as he still comes in at 6.30am and then DP goes and gets in DSS bed to avoid waking me up.

However DP has said to me today that as DSS mum is so inconsistent and never really makes DSS do what he doesn't want to do, he thinks that enforcing rules are going to lead to DSS not wanting to come - so basically tonight DSS will be allowed to watch a film in bed until he falls asleep, as last time DSS came he kept getting out of bed and this is a recurring theme. To me, 6yo is too young to be developing a habit of relying on watching TV till he goes to sleep, and if DP allows this to be a regular thing then he is going to look like the bad guy if later we decide its not working and suddenly DSS isn't allowed to watch TV in bed any more - this seems like the start of a slippery slope.

My point of view is that if DP doesn't make some basic boundaries for his son, and his mum isn't, he is just going to continue getting more and more spoilt until DSS is calling all the shots - might seem I'm overreacting but I've spent a lot of time on the step parenting boards and I really, really do not want to get into a Disney dad situation.

What can I say to him?

Its a cop out by ur dp,he just doesnt want to do it.plenty of 6 year olds who abide by different rules in each home.it doesnt matter what his ex does,he should be sticking to what you both agree on.

Waking at 6.30am is normal. DP going and getting in bed with DSS while you keep sleeping sounds like bliss!

As for the film, how about a compromise of DSS can watch a film before bed, but then they have a bedtime story and it's lights out. Your DP has a point but so do you so a compromise seems necessary.

Definitely get your DP to nip it in the bud. Otherwise it is setting a precedent that will be increasingly difficult to break because it becomes the norm "...but Ive always done that ...." DSS will be able to say. Not good.

IMO it should be linked to routine bed time, so that there is a cut off point, after which time tv goes off, into PJs and then do teeth and bed. Children thrive on boundaries and routine, they need those guidelines.

Agreed it is challenging where DSSs mum does something different, but then the message to him is "when you are here, this is how we do things..." At his age there should be no choice in the matter!

Why not set up a mini-reward system with points he can earn and save up for a reward. you can break it down into separate parts, points if he stays in his own bed, points for going to bed at the right time, and for any other things where discipline is needed. Make it into a game.

Also how about a big colourful clock, and say to him "when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 7, then you can come in and see us" which is a reasonable time at the weekend.

Just examples o f what you can do, but the important thing is to give the discipline, with firmness but love and he will probably find the message comforting rather than DP being the bad one. dCs always try it on and push the boundaries!

thanks everyo

sorry posted too soon. dp and i had a chat last night and he sees my point of view and i can see his. his ex told him that dss said he doesnt like coming here because dp makes him sleep in his own bed and ex doesnt. so we are going to take another look at bedtimes and try to establish more of a routine for him so that hopefully he becomes happier about sleeping in his own bed.