When even your own parents don't get the issues around step parenting.

[sanityseeker75]

So not really a step issue as such just a lack of understanding from my family of the issues that we face.

My family have decided to have a large family party with all aunts, uncles and cousins as it has been a year of special birthdays and anniversaries etc.

My mom called me last night to tell me that instead of the meal that had been arranged previously (that I had already said I didn't really fancy) to let me know that they had now booked a hall and were having a party instead. She told me she expected me DH and all the kids to be there because it was a good opportunity for the rest of the family to meet the kids.

Now DH and I have been married for over 7 years and lived together for 10 so it is not as if there hasn't been plenty of time for them to see the kids if they were that bothered, in fact we have no kids together and all the kids were at our wedding so they have met them at some point over the years at other meals etc.

I asked when they had booked it for to be told it is on the 9th Nov, checked diary and told my mom that it was our weekend with out children. We have 1 weekend a month in which my DS goes to his dads and my DSC's stay with their mom.

I am now well and truly in the doghouse and have been told that I should re-arrange not just my DS contact with his dad but my DSC's weekend with their mom.

I am really annoyed with my mom for trying to guilt trip me about this. I know that my ex would be annoyed as it would be another month he we go without seeing DS(although it is his choice to have reduced down the contact) and I know that DSCs mom would happily let us have the kids(she doesn't like us having the 1 weekend a month as it is as court appointed EW access) but I know that they would not just swap weekends and then DH would have no time on our own again until Dec (selfish I know).

I suppose what I am most annoyed about is that my mom is trying to guilt me although she should get by now that it is not as easy to just switch things round when trying to deal with 2 exes and actually if the kids were that necessary to the arrangements why couldn't they have just checked dates with me before arranging as it is only one we per month we don't have them and yet I am in the wrong for not demanding we have the children regardless of the exes!

If DC are at their other parents they are not going to be at the party
Carnt see why your DM doesn't understand this tbh

Sympathes - it's hard enough already trying to juggle calendars between three separate households (we have a similar setup). Don't know why it's so hard for parents to understand that you're not just a simple nuclear family who can decide things for itself.

I have similar issues with my own parents who casually say, "we'll come and visit you sometime in the autum" and refuse to be pinned down for a date - they try and give me about two weeks notice, by which time I've already got the rota fixed up with my ex and have to tell them they won't see the kids that weekend - they sound put out and find that their own diaries are too full to rearrange, so don't come (or else I have to hassle my ex to swap, which I would rather not do). Ahhhh

Could you try and "borrow" them all just for the party? Or is their too much travel/lack of flexibility for that?

Thanks Svrider - neither can I and I am annoyed at myself for letting it stress me out.

I think in her head she just assumes that we have the kids so much so we are just being unreasonable about not taking them. I know I should just be pleased that she wants all of the kids to be involved but honestly I am annoyed by her complete lack of understanding about the dynamics - it's not as if she hasn't had the last 10 years to get used to it.

I have thought about "borrowing" them, purple, but then I know that we would end up having them until the Sunday eve because neither ex would want them dropped back late and then it would be well as their at yours anyway....which I know is a bit selfish as I said but we get so little time on our own. Also my ex would be likely to have a shit fit if i'm honest as he only has him the 1 we now.

My inlaws can be like this. They know that dp and his ex have a terrible relationship and that they can't communicate at all.

So why do they arrange things on weekends we don't have the kids and then say "can't you just swap weekends?" Which inevitably means another row discussion by email between dp and his ex that leaves us both feeling pissed off. It also means one afternoon BBQ (for example) means three days of extra cooking /washing / lift giving for 5 kids plus boyfriends / girlfriends when it's supposed to be dp and I weekend to ourselves after both working full time.

They are also helpful at suggesting dsd who lives with us just shouldn't bother seeing her mum if she doesn't want to but they've never offered to spend anytime with her AT ALL since she moved in over a year ago. Not even asked her round for lunch in the summer holidays despite living a couple of doors away

No concept whatsoever of how our family works!

People who've never experienced step families, don't have any idea about the challenges, dynamics, sensitivities etc etc.

When DSS was younger, DH's relatives would hope to see him when they visited us, and always seemed surprised if he wasn't with us, even though DH must explained a million times that it was an EOW arrangement.

And whilst in theory we could have 'borrowed' DSS for a few hours to placate the relatives, we knew that the ex would never allow him to come for a short stay - it would have had to be on a full weekend basis, Thursday 4pm-Sunday 6pm, we'd never have been allowed a 'quick visit' on a Saturday afternoon.

But try explaining that to relatives who don't understand strict access rotas and spiteful exes !!!

Does anyone find it frustrating the other way round, or AIBU?

I.E. My family will have a weekend free to see us which might not fall on DSS contact weekend and DH will ask me if they can rearrange their weekends so he can come along.

TBH my family don't really have that close a bond with DSS (nor DSS to them) they do get on when together but they really want to see me and their blood relatives.

It seems very important to DH that DSS be included as much as possible, but people are busy, my BIL works shifts and they all live miles away. I feel awful having to ask them to switch dates when I feel they are already being kind enough to drive a long way to see us in their spare time.

I don't think you are BU stepmooster, but I do think it is nice that he wants to be involved and wants DSS to see them also. I suppose it depends on the kids also, as you say your DSS isn't that fussed. My DS and DSC get on brilliantly with my mom and dad and direct family and we see each other often but don't really know or care about people they may only see once in a blue moon and TBH i'm not that bothered about seeing them either (my family that is not the kids).

It is just frustrating though because when I was younger we just fit round my parents routine and as we got older it we either went with them or we did our own thing and that was that. It is as if my parents have forgotten this and now expect everything to revolve around the kids instead.

If you have busy lives or your relatives do then surely it is great to meet up but does everyone really need to be placed on display just so that everyone is included?

Sanityseeker, you summed it up well, does everyone really need to be placed on display just so that everyone is included?

My opinion is, that it sounds like your parents care very much about keeping up appearances at their party. 'Look what good grandparents we are etc' when the reality will be that if anyone asks where the children are and you explain, it will show them up for not knowing the were not available that weekend.

Sanityseeker, you summed it up well, does everyone really need to be placed on display just so that everyone is included?

My opinion is, that it sounds like your parents care very much about keeping up appearances at their party. 'Look what good grandparents we are etc' when the reality will be that if anyone asks where the children are and you explain, it will show them up for not knowing the were not available that weekend.

You may well be right stepmooster, and for the most part they are great with all the kids and are good grandparents - just maybe not such good parents at the moment as they clearly don't have a clue what it is like for me being a step parent and as redhen and petal have said all the extra work and trying to negotiate around exes.