It's now official mt 2 SD want nothing to do with me..!

[louby44]

As some of you know we had a bit of a naff holiday with SD15 being a madam, buying cigarettes, both SD lazy, rude, making us wait whilst they got ready for dinner, inconsiderate. DP had a bit of a screaming/fighting match with his daughter on the 2nd day = disaster holiday. When we got home I told them how disappointed I was in them (first time I have EVER said anything negative to them in 6 years.) I was backed up by their dad. They didn't like it!

Their dad has been trying to make the peace since, cards, texts - mostly ignored.

We should be having them this weekend and he has just been on the phone to his ex for 30 minutes. His DD15 told her mum he beat her up (he didn't, he slapped her) made them go to bed at 11pm and other nonsense and that they don't want anything to do with me. My DP jumped to my defence and said 'hang on, L paid for half of the holiday, she works hard like me, she had every right to tell them how she feels etc.'

Ex-wife suggests he takes them shopping and treats them to some clothes (bribery) he already pays £400 in CSA a month. Or takes them to Alton Towers (plus paying for 2 friends) They don't want to come here because its boring and we don't do anything. But what they mean is - they have no friends here so its boring for them, Although we have encouraged them to bring friends (which they have on occasion).

We truly believe all of this is an excuse so that they don't have to come. they have moaned about coming for months. SD13 has no issues with her dad but is siding with her sister so she doesn't have to come either.

And to top it all, the bitch of an ex wife told my DP that his girls are having their tea tonight around their old house, which is now owned by ex-wifes, ex-fiancé who has just moved his new girlfriend in. He is gutted that they would rather be with an ex-fiancé/step-dad than him.

So, all the ladies on the teenager board were right. looks like I've blown it with my SD, although DP says 'if you hadn't of said it, I would'

Feeling so upset

I hope he's not going clothes shopping and alton towers?

I would say all teenage girls (well most) go through phases of acting entitled, money grabbing, spoilt and attention seeking. I would be tempted to call their bluff and see how long before they come around again asking for more.

What cheek about alton towers having just came back off holiday

And you did not do anything wrong saying that, you could of said a lot worse and the restraint you have shown is quite remarkable. I would of ranted and raved at that behavior and sent them home to their mums.

He slapped his 15 year old daughter? Do you see anything wrong with this?? I wouldn't want to spend time with a man who slapped me either.

If my father slapped me in the face and then let his wife tell me that my behaviour was poor I'd be none too impressed.

I've already been through the slapping thing with the 'other' board. Yes, he knows it was wrong, and he is deeply sorry. He has apologised over and over again.

But she spat in his face, bit him and scratched him BEFORE he slapped her, not to mention calling him a 'fucking bastard'. It was his blood that was all over the floor, not hers. He reacted badly and he KNOWS this. He is beside himself with regret.

But it's done now. SD15 has not apologised however and neither girl think they have done anything wrong.

We just don't know how to put this right. My family have accpeted these children in, they include them in parties and BBQ's, my parents buy them gifts and treat them equally to my 2 DS.

I have only ever been kind & loving to these girls. I must have shocked them that I have a voice!

But we are convinced this is all an excuse.

And no, there will no clothes buying or Alton Towers!

Your DSD have obviously been given the impression by their Mum that they can hurt their Dad most by refusing to see him.

My DSD did this. Against all instinct, DP let her know he was there for her, kept in touch without pressuring and refused to be blackmailed or manipulated into having a relationship with her on her terms.

It took two years, but eventually, DSD welcomed her Dad and I into her life as we are. She accepts our boundaries, seeks are advice and accepts our support.

I understand that the thought of not having contact with his own DCs for a prolonged period of time is very hard for your DP to consider. But, having lived through it, I honestly believe that in some cases, it is the best thing for the DCs.

I agree! I think he needs to keep sending an odd text to keep lines of communication open but not push it.

His ex -wife has a new boyfriend so she is not happy that they won't come here, her social life is very important. She is very money orientated and thinks it solves all problems, a bit of shopping will fix everything.

What did you do for birthdays and Christmas? Did you send money or gifts? My DP will find all of this very hard.

I'm trying to remember that these are hormonal teenagers and putting the blame onto me is their way of making this easier, by rejecting me as well they aren't totally rejecting their dad.

I would still buy christmas presents and invite them round, if by boxing day they don't come then drop them off to ex wife's. If she wants them out of her hair I expect she will do everything possible soon to get them to come back, but I wouldn't bribe them you'd bankrupt yourselves!

DP was very clear when it came to gifts - they were here for her, and she was welcome to come round for them. He also ensured that his family sent her gifts to her c/o our address, which caused friction with them when they found out.

DP never absolved himself of parenting her as much as he could; it's not unreasonable for a parent to expect their DC to visit and be polite to someone who is giving them a gift - so that is what he did.

She missed out on one Xmas and two birthdays.

When they eventually began to reconcile, I gave them space at first - but made it clear that I would not 'sweep the past under the rug' and we discussed her behaviour, and mine, when she was ready to reinitiate contact with me. I wasn't prepared to spend time with her until we cleared the air.

China

I think that is what he will do regarding money/gifts from other relatives - its here if you would like to come for it. They won't as they live 40 miles away and their mum doesn't drive on dual carriageways or motorways.

None of his family know the girls new address so all cards will be sent here!

She's 15. She can make her own way to her Dads house if she's motivated enough!

Lol...the motivation will be the birthday/Christmas money that is here, not any great desire to see her dad! But yes, she could get here certainly.

I think its wrong to keep family gifts away, urs and dp only. Otherwise u are blackmailing and manipulating too. Advise family they are welcome to send straight to the girls or via you but via you they may not be collected.

Family tend to send cheques made payable to DH which he then gives to the girls in cash. No one likes to send money through the post after a card went missing.

The money will be here when they come for it!

DSD13 will also need £200 extra for her trip to Paris. DP will feel reluctant to give that...wonder if DSD13 will contact him to say thank you?

What gets me is that DSD15 has a history of violence, she has attacked her mother numerous times and also had the police to issue a caution. But she soon 'makes up' with her mum because she is forced to - they live in the same house.

Because DP isn't the resident parent he doesn't get that opportunity, he can't make up, he's rejected. That is so unfair!

I still don't think you were in the wrong for speaking up. She behaved terribly and I would have said something to any adult or child no matter what my relationship to them was. Like you said, it's easier for them to reject you than your husband. Whenever my husband upsets his teenagers it seems to end up being my fault too! It's easier for them to think I'm 'pulling his strings' I think.
Your husband could write them a letter/email explaining how he feels and letting them know that you both really want them to visit and that they'll be very welcome when they decide they want to come. In the mean time the odd text, birthday cards ect but it sounds like you'll both have to sit back and wait for them to grow up a little.
My dsc recently said they would only see my husband alone from now on because they felt rejected due to our new baby. I sent them a long email and got everything out in the open and they were back here again after a week or so. They wouldn't have liked all of what I said but I also made it clear that I liked them and that we really wanted them here. They were cold at first but things are better now .
I really feel for you. Being a step mum to teenagers is hard! Hope that things work out well for you all x

Thank you Country Gal

I do find it so helpful hearing that other people have been through the same situation as us.

I think both my DSD feel upset that I have spoken the truth, they don't like it. Normally I don't get involved but it was such a stressful holiday (made worse by their behaviour) that I just couldn't have let them go home without saying something.

How old are your DSC?

They're 12 and 16 Louby. Of what I hear, my eldest sc has a lot of issues and be violent towards her mum and younger sister at home too but luckily they behave well here and I try to stay out of things as much as possible. I let my husband deal with their issues and I just try to be chatty and friendly when they're here but that's as far as my relationship with them goes really.
When it all kicked off recently my husband informed me of everything that was being said and showed me all the texts his daughter and her mum were sending and I got so upset and stressed about it all. I need to distance myself for my own sanity.
I found this forum when I was desperate. I felt like I was going to explode and had no one to talk to as I don't know anyone who's in a similar situation to me. I got some really good advice and also read 'the step parent parachute' and things seem a bit more settled now.

I'm not sure if you remember from your other thread, but I had a similar situation with my dsd. I asked her about it yesterday when I saw your thread. She couldn't really remember any of it which I was surprised at, as for me it was massive.

I would be careful not to jump to any conclusions. It's all too easy just to blame her mum, as China has suggested, that may not be the case at all. Especially if her mum is also having problems with her.

I wouldn't leave it that she needs to come to you for presents. It makes visiting you conditional, and I think it is important that she feels she is loved unconditionally. If this change in her has happened in the last few months, and is at your end as well as her mums, it sounds like something is going on for her.

Please don't think this is it with her. It took about a month I think before dsd came to us again. We just stayed in contact and made her aware that nothing had changed. I seem to remember her being difficult to get in the car when her dad went to get her, but when she arrived at ours she breezed into the kitchen saying "hi Tuck" as if nothing had happened!

I can look back now and see that what she was desperate for was some tlc. It was a really hard time for her, and we didn't know the half of what was going on at her mums. What it wasn't about was me but as SM I was the easy target as she was so desperate for it not to be her mum or her dad that was at fault.

I would be careful not to jump to any conclusions. It's all too easy just to blame her mum, as China has suggested, that may not be the case at all. Especially if her mum is also having problems with her.

I can't see how mum can be blameless if she is facilitating the DCs rejection of their Dad. The 13 year old still needs overnight care etc and if Mum is providing this on nights that the DCs are 'scheduled' to be with Dad, then she is enabling the DCs behaviour.

Perhaps no-one in the situation is blameless? Her Dad did slap her. That alone will have fuelled things. I wouldn't be that happy about encouraging dsd or dd to go to their Dads if he had slapped one of them. I'd have huge reservations.

She had made suggestions as to what he can do albeit that they involve throwing money at the situation. Someone encouraging them not to go I think would just say "that's it, you slapped her, she's not going to you any more".

This isn't about him slapping her though. The whole thing sounds complex and needs sorting, and the op (sorry on my phone and can't scroll back to remember your name) is caught up in it. I really feel for you as I've been there, and it's hard being in a situation that isn't of your making.

Someone encouraging them not to go I think would just say "that's it, you slapped her, she's not going to you any more".

The psychology of parental alienation is a lot more complex than that but I do agree - noone is blameless, the DC is clearly very troubled (she's been cautioned for assaulting her mother!) and the OP is caught up in the middle.

I think she (the OP) is incredibly committed to have even considered a family holiday - perhaps it's time to put your foot down, tell your DP to sort it out and leave him to it?

Louby, you've gotten advice here from people who have been there and know what they're talking about - I can't add anything, but just wanted to send you some moral support. I really hate reading the threads about teens refusing to see their NR parent, it seems to me that no good can come of that. Sounds like you have a plan for dealing with it, so good luck. x

My step son didn't visit us for a year because of a reason we still don't know but this summer he decided to visit is and had a blast even after he was severely told off by his dad for jamming his fist down his brothers throat he still said he wanted to come at Christmas. I believe their mum had something to do with him not wanting to come whether it be. Because he felt disloyal to his mum or because she wanted a free babysitter who knows but he eventually came round and that's the main thing. You mustn't bow down to every whim and you mustn't bribe either and as for the birthday/christmas presents thing I would get a present or money and let them know its at your house waiting to be opened by them. If they don't come then put it away in a cupboard until they do come. If they are willing to accept gifts from you then they should be willing to visit you. I am disgusted about what happened to your dp regarding the spitting, biting and scratching incident and I'll get a flaming for this but I would have slapped her too because obviously she needed a sharp short shock to stop that horrendous behaviour.

Many thanks for all of your wonderful support and advice. I can't stop thinking about the last month and all that has happened. I feel utterly devastated that things have come to this.

My DP keeps sending them the odd light hearted text. I too have sent them both a 'good luck with your first week back at school' text but I don't expect to get a response.

I'm just so shocked that they are 'punishing' me as well as their dad. I constantly keep telling myself that it's easy to reject me as I'm way down the list of 'important people' but it's still very hurtful when all I've ever been is kind and even stood up for them when I've felt their dad is expecting to much from them in certain situations.

They know they are hurting their dad by refusing to come, that hasn't come from their mum at all. She wants them out of her hair for her weekends as she needs to be with her new fella. She has a weekend away soon with him and is saying if they won't come here she will leave them at home on their own - now that's good parenting isn't it!!!!!

DSD15 needs more counselling I think, she is a walking time bomb of anger! But I'm nobody so it's got nothing to do with me.

Gosh this is so bloody hard!

Detach as much as you can from this. And what I mean by that is from it being about you and what you said, not from her and caring about her.

I can look back and see that when dsd was hardest to love was actually when she needed me to love her the most.

It's extremely hard. I can still remember how devastated I felt that I had done so much for her yet she had turned on me. It really hurt.

I'd never have not included her in holidays though. The message I wanted her to have was that her behaviour was unacceptable, she was loved.