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When does age stop being used as an excuse?

26 replies

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 14:21

That's it basically, I'm sick of hearing "we'll dsc is only 3,4,5,6,7.... When will it stop!

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emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 14:22

Well not we'll

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MrsMongoose · 30/08/2013 14:26

Age is always an excuse, just for different mistakes.

'She's only 17' would be a nice excuse for being sick from too much alcohol, but far to old to be hitting a sibling, iykwim?

Same way a grandparent might forget something, and be met with 'well his is 81!'

What type of actions-that-need-excuses are we talking about OP?

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 15:04

That's true, but I'm talking about doing small chores around the house, manners.

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theredhen · 30/08/2013 16:23

This isn't necessarily a step parent issue. Some parents don't want to admit their own failings in not teaching their kids to be independent and capable. It's just easier to make excuses.

AlmostPerfect · 30/08/2013 16:30

I say this in response to dp when he says ds should sit down and be quiet in the living room, ds is 5, most 5 yo dont sit down and be quiet. Or things i think are unreasonable to expect a 5yo to do i.e get his own drink, he cant reach the sink! But things like putting something in the bin, tiding his toys i expect him to do, hes 5 Grin

StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 16:34

I agree it's not necessarily a step issue- well not based on what you have posted anyway. if it's your partner making excuses for their 16 year old not being able to pour their own cereal because they're doing Disney parenting then it's a step issue Grin

what's the issue in question?

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 16:48

Fair enough. They are my step children so posted hear. I guess things I deem capable of a seven year old and what DH thinks are different. And when I pull it up I get reminded of ages. Like making of beds. Putting toys away. That kind if thing

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emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 16:49

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect these things to be done automatically but don't think it's a reason to not do it at all

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emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 16:51

Mind you, I pick up after DH all the time, if I complain to his mum she might well come out with "he's only 37"! Lol

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StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 16:52

what are the ages and what are the things you expect them to do?

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 16:56

At 7 & 12 tidy up after the selfs? Make their own toast (12yo) poor drinks? Get dressed? I'm not sure really. But I do think independence should be encouraged rather than age being used as an excuse.

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StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 17:01

mine are 4 and 8 and I expect all of that from both of them (except the toast with 4 year old).

was this discussed before you and partner decided to move in together? it's different parenting styles if one expects it and one doesn't and no-one is right or wrong but you should both be on the same page if you are living together. do you have dcs aswell?

Idespair · 30/08/2013 17:02

The 7 year old may need encouragement to get dressed although s/he will be physically capable of doing it.

Likewise tidying up toys. It's a chore and mine do it if being nagged!

InternationalPower · 30/08/2013 17:04

Well, Im middleaged and often blame my age for my appalling behaviour!

As far as chores are concerned, i am determined not to raise useless husbands so my dss have been doing things like making their beds and putting their own laundry away since they were 3yo. Now they strip own beds, see to dishwasher put out and bring in laundry, dust & Hoover, all sorts. Not without being asked and not all if it regularly but always without a fuss.they're 10 &12.

In your situation though you need to discuss and agree what is reasonable with their father and then present a united front.
One suggestion a saw was that to mark them growing up they're given one new responsibility each birthday

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 17:04

It didn't even enter my head 5 years ago in the beginning of a new relationship and when we moved in together, I just thought how much fun we would all have together. We have a ds 8 months who the kids love very much

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emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 17:07

Idespair, it's always me doing the nagging :( sometimes I want to be the one to have fun with them

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StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 17:11

"One suggestion a saw was that to mark them growing up they're given one new responsibility each birthday"

way to celebrate their birthdays! Grin

what does DP say?

and also- if you are always running round clearing up after their father then that's hardly setting the right example of "everyone has to clear up after themselves" is it? why isn't he clearing up his own stuff to show them that's what people do and that it's nit your job to skivvy after them all?

InternationalPower · 30/08/2013 17:13

Hmm, but if you and dh were in agreement/ consistent on what they need to do there shouldnt be any as much nagging. You ask them to do something and they know they have to do it

emilyeggs · 30/08/2013 17:15

That's true Stephen. I did suggest a star chart but he didn't like the :( I guess he's not that bad, but only after I tell him to help/get them to help. I sound like a broken record making sure clean pants are on, teeth are brushed

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InternationalPower · 30/08/2013 17:15

If he's undermining you then frankly you're flogging a dead horse and may as well stop nagging as it wont achieve anything anyway

StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 17:20

so stop nagging and see what happens- they might have furry teeth for a few days but pretty soon he will realise he needs to step up and be a dad.

unless he is so useless he wouldn't notice?

NoComet · 30/08/2013 17:27

In my experience DCs grow up a huge amount between 7 and 8. I was a Brown Owl and the youngest Brownies had distinctly less common sense than those only a bit older.

My DNiece(7) is definitely still able to get away with things because she's cute, at 9 she certainly won't.

5 plus can certainly throw toys back in boxes, say please and thank you, take shoes upstairs, put soft toys on bed etc.

They ought to be able to eat reasonably tidily, not spill their drinks and get dressed in easy clothes.

By 7 they should do all this and be able to clean their teeth, find pJs, shoes, coats, sun hats and loads of small things that make life easier. They should also know when not to interrupt and be capable of sitting quietly for short periods if necessary.

8 onwards really depends on your household routine and the DCs interests.

Mine are crap at tidying up because I don't care unless we are having visitors. But they were pretty good at getting dressed, coats, shoes and getting out the house as we had lots of after school stuff. DD1 makes tea because she drinks it and cooks because she likes doing it.

Both strip beds and sort washing. Both rebel about putting it away.

brdgrl · 30/08/2013 18:38

My DSCs were 10 and 13 when I met them, and did not do any of those things. Learned helplessness,I think it is called.
So, I guess age can be an excuse as long as the parents are willing to keep it going...

louby44 · 30/08/2013 19:47

Yeah and when they become teenagers that too is used as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I'm sick and tired and hearing that once the hormones hit they can get away with being slobs, not washing, leaving dirty clothes everywhere and being rude.

Seem to swap one set of problems for another.

emilyeggs · 31/08/2013 10:44

Well this morning I said as dsc are going into be text year at school soon, then they can start making own beds. Dss 12 had already done his and told dsd to do hers . She said she couldn't (as its top bunk). I said we'll your getting big now and maybe it's time to learn. She did and got lots of praise. Same with putting plates in dishwasher. Told her how helpful she is and how impressed I was. Small steps Smile

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