This is a weird one... And quite long but didn't want to drip-feed and it's hard to judge without knowing much of the issue.
My DH has a 7yr old stepson from his previous marriage, we also have a 6 month old daughter together. DSS spends every Friday evening through to Sunday with us in term time and 50% of holidays and his main home is with his mum and her husband. They don't have any more children at the moment.
Normally we all get on really well - we communicate a lot and are always very amicable. That isn't just for show, we are genuinely nice and friendly to each other. Of course there are times that we sometimes disagree amongst ourselves but it always blows over.
Lately, DSS has been acting very differently in the two households. I realise this must be hard for him and we all try to parent him in the same way but I think our underlying personalities are so different that sometimes it's hard to do things exactly the same. In general, DH and I are both people who like to encourage DSS to broaden his horizons and try new things, we are always encouraging him to believe in himself and we are trying to build his confidence. His mum is very loving and caring but unfortunately has quite a few phobias and fears which she finds difficult to deal with and conceal, and there have been many times when DSS has picked up on this and developed his own fears and reluctance to try new things he thinks could be scary/make him ill/be too difficult.
One such example has been with food - DSS had reflux as a baby and DD is following exactly in his footsteps. DSS' mum decided years ago to restrict his food/drink - no pure juice, ice cream, citrus fruit, anything which may set off his reflux. Fair enough we thought, and went along with it, giving him alternatives when other children got treats such as ice-cream at the beach etc.
DSS, however, is a very sociable boy and when at friends' houses, he has gone into the kitchen and asked for some juice, which he has been given and drank with no issues whatsoever. Same with all the other foods - he's managed to get some at parties when we weren't there and eaten them with no issues whatsoever. Great, we thought, reflux has obviously improved, good for him and nice to see him less restricted with food.
His mum thought different. She went mental at us for letting him have those foods (even though there was very little chance to stop him getting them) and is convinced we're going to make him ill. DSS has not helped us by still refusing foods and generally doing the opposite of what we do with him, i.e. swimming underwater with us but being scared of the bath at home, going on an obstacle course day for 4 hours, up cargo nets and down fireman's pole with us, but saying walking 5 mins to school is too hard and makes him too breathless and tired. It's really hard as it's making us out to be liars as we bring him home saying how good he's been and how well he's done and then he goes and acts all scared and helpless at home!
I'm not really sure what's going on here - we seem to have a different child depending on who he's with and it's starting to cause tension - has anyone experienced this before and what did you do about it?