Wouldn't you want to know....

[Mojavewonderer]

Would you want to know if your child had threatened to stab herself because of bullying? Yes? Well I know I would so i was wondering why a mother would deliberately keep that information to herself and not inform the father? News about her son being excluded 3 times in a year has also not been passed on and I am wondering why she would not do this. Upon questioning and the situation being reversed she said she wouldn't expect her ex to tell her what happened, like it was none of her business.
She said her reasoning was because the kids wanted to tell him themselves but up until 5 minutes before their dad was due to collect the child wasn't even coming for the visit so he would never have known! Luckily he changed his mind and there have been some very interesting things that have been said which makes him wonder what on earth is going on over there.
So...So does anyone have any insight as to why she would on purposely not mention any of those things whenever the ex text to see how the kids where? He would even ask how school was going and she would say 'fine' and that's it. We know its not the reason she gave and are beginning to feel that she was trying to hide it. But why??

why doesn't your partner have a relationship with his children's school independently of his mother so that he finds out about exclusions himself? does he not attend parents evenings or at least communicate with his form teacher via e-mail once in a while if you live a distance away?

It does seem strange to just rely on mum for info,surely the school has contact details of dad,if not why not?.they then would of contacted bout exclusions etc.

Well that's a funny thing. He tried to do that. He called them and said could he have a copy of all the reports and info about the kids and if anything untoward happened he would appreciate a phone call because his ex wasn't giving him this info. Well they agreed and he waited...and he waited...and guess what he waited some more so he phoned them again and asked for the info and they agreed and then he waited all over again and nothing! Obviously it being the holidays no one is about so he will be contacting them again. I was in tears when I heard about what happened to his daughter and its something that I would certainly contact a father about! I realise its easier to fade the dad out now you have a new family and life but none of this is his fault or the children's and he is worried that he will always be the last to know about stuff, important stuff. Finding out the day after your child has broken their arm is bad enough and he know that he wouldn't have been told at all except he was having his children so he was going to notice a cast.

How very odd because I contact my ex about stuff to do with the kids all the time. There is no hostility between them, they have spoken before about problems with the kids but as soon as the new partner and then babies came along she cut him off! No more info at all, like she's trying to hide something. He has been told by his kids that she sleeps all day on the sofa and isn't watching the children. They make their own food. They are not school supported at home. They new partner refuses to help and drinks enough for the kids to notice. They have even said mum pays the bills and he pays for his beer! The children are all under 12 and shouldn't be noticing that stuff.
If he could get info from the school he would but they are hopeless.

then make an appointment with the year head and go in and discuss what is going on. Teachers are very busy people and it can be hard to keep track of which parents are having problems and which aren't. Making a personal connection is worthwhile because you are remembered as being a parent who gives a damn - not just one on the end of the phone demanding information that they then have to remember to hand over at the right moment.

Is he not attending parent's evenings?

If school have not responded then he has to take itfurther with education dept .have you repoted your concerns?.

Ring and speak to the head explaining your situations then follow it up by letter (not email) to the headteacher explaining your situation again...further to our telephone conversation etc. If still no joy send it again and also one to the head of governors explaining how the school is failing to keep you informed.

I know some parents in the past at my school even provided stamped addressed envelopes for newsletters/reports/important letters etc. But we are more online based for everyday stuff.

Is your DP on the list for emergency contact numbers too. Schools tend to send out data collection forms in Sept to update addresses/phone numbers etc. but if mum fills this in then she probably omits your DP name.

I'm #1 on emergency contacts and my ex-husband is #2 - but that's us!

What is wrong with people. These children need BOTH parents in their lives. They also need them when things go wrong!

He has been to the school and spoken to them, he used to be invited to parents evenings but that's all stopped now because she kept putting him off. As far as we know he is being slowly deleted from their lives. They've had mobile phones for ages but she refused to give them his number and obviously he didn't know until he had them that they had phones. She made sure they were 'lost' when he came to pick up the children so they couldn't take them with them. He can't go to the school now because of work commitments and he lives 6 hours away so he can't just nip in anymore. Out of sight out of mind I guess. I will pass on about emailing but I think he has done that a few times too. I think his next stop will have to be someone higher up and see what is actually going on. He is beginning to think his ex has told the school not to give out the info to him. It's so weird because they used to go to school plays and stuff together and she used to message us both and let us know things that were happening. She says she doesn't want to worry him but she rang on his birthday when he was on holiday to tell him his son was ill in hospital and it turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but had jumped the gun and embellished it which made him feel awful all day and when he had had no contact since the panicky phone call he rang her and they were home and she hasn't thought to update him. Actually that has happened twice and both on special occasions but he doesn't mind if its an emergency but when it isn't it upsets him because he feels that she uses the children's potential ill health to ruin his day. I don't know what's going on with her and as you can imagine its not good for him either. The children notice the odd behaviour from their mum but I suppose when you are busy with 6 children things may slip your mind (thankfully only 3 of the children are his and they are sweet children)

it is not up to mum who does and who doesn't get 'invited' to parent's evenings; nor is it mum's choice whether or not a father receives information on their child (with the exception of court orders, of course). However, if you see it from the school's point of view, they can't necessarily be expected to refer to every child's file before sending out a piece of information and so really need an NRP who wants to be involved, to make sure that the school is very, very aware of that fact. It is easy to say that mum is the problem here but dad has moved 6 hours away so is no longer available to help with parenting, is he? surely this is a 6 of one, half a dozen of the other situation?

Are we discussing primary or secondary age children? I sense we're discussing primary aged children which makes exclusion all the more worrying if that's the case. Something is going on for the child but if dad wants to get to the bottom of it, he may need to reassess his priorities long -term and look at whether he is able to move nearer to his children.

Dad has moved away and sees them as much as he can, it's just life that you have to go where the work is and in his line of work he has to do it and that's the end of it there is no chance of moving back now.
The children are all under 13 so it's a mix of primary and secondary.
The eldest child has anger issues which has been a long term thing way before the parents split and not to point fingers but they are both guilty of this.
I guess without all the facts it's hard to guess why she would suddenly not be so forth coming with info about the kids but hey ho she has apologised and promised to keep him up to date with any important stuff and he can now email and iMessage his children so thats something.
Thanks for those of you who took the time to respond.
The children where so well behaved for dad during their little holiday and genuinely didn't want to go home which was incredibly sweet and heart breaking at the same time so he can't be doing too bad a job.

Maybe your partner's ex is unhappy that he has moved 6 hours away from his children and effectively ruled himself out of any day to day parenting. She may think there is no point in telling him when there is nothing he could do to help anyway from that distance.

Yes, the dad is clearly out of line for moving and continuing to make life choices. He should have stayed where he was. Even if that meant his job prospects were worse and he earned less/paid less maintenance, I wonder?

People have to relocate sometimes. If the mother relocated, the same situation would result. Both parents have to deal with reality reasonably.

OP, I'm not in an NRP situation myself, but I have read about similar issues on here, where the NRP had to fight with the school to receive information. Maybe one of them will be along to talk about it - but I gather that if the father has PR, the school has to include him. Good luck.

The OP has asked why a mother would do this. I was offering a possible explanation.

And yes people do need to relocate, but when you knowingly move 6 hours away from your children I don't think you can complain about being kept out of the loop. It is inevitable that you will know less about their day to day lives and the onus should be on the parent who has chosen to move to forge relationships with the school and try to stay as involved as possible. This burden shouldn't be placed on the parent who has been left behind to pick up the slack.

I was unsure about why at first but I agree moving six hours away so he isn't around for the day to day parenting may well be it.

If he wants to talk to them why doesn't he just ring their mum? Not knowing they had mobiles and them not having his number isn't cutting him out. Surely he could still contact them through her, still phone her and ask about them?

And as for phoning him when one if the children is in hospital, you feel that's wrong as it was on a special occasion? Would it also have been wrong if she had waited to tell hi or not told him at all?

Sounds from that example like he will fund fault no matter what she does. Perhaps she thinks that it's best to minimise contact with him as anything she does tell him about is used as a stick to best her with?

And perhaps she feels he could have taken steps and made arrangements to have regular contact with them when he knew he was moving so far away?

Has contact with them changed because of that?

If my ex moved 6 hours away - no matter what the reasons I'd be pretty hurt on behalf of my DCs who would miss having him nearby. I'd also feel that he'd dumped 100% of the responsibility for the DCs on me as he wouldn't be close enough to be any use.

I'd almost certainly respond to these feelings by getting on with the task of single parenting on my own and wouldn't make any effort to keep him in the loop unless I felt that discussing things with him would actually be helpful to me.

I think your DP needs to accept that he should initiate contact - a weekly chat or email maybe. And also try really hard to make the content of the communication supportive of her parenting - offering suggestions, but also empathy, telling her she's doing a great job, and practical support if possible. If his ex sees contact with your DP as likly to involve criticism of her parenting then she's not likely to initiate it.

And if he really wants to be involved in his DCs lives he should do anything possible to move a bit closer.