DSD is down and being spiteful... again. How to deal?

[BeckyBrandon]

She is nearly 13, DD is 10. She's just pinged a huge rubber band in DDs face, DD said "that hurt" DSD said "I know, that's why I did it" DD has big red welt by her eye now.

I made DSD apologize.. but this keeps happening. She's very rough and tumble with no remorse.

Not sure how else I should be dealing with this, feel like every time I say something, she's sorry for 10 mins then does something else.

I want to cancel days out but I really don't want DD to miss out.

If that was my own dd (ignoring the step issue) I would warn her that the behaviour wasn't on and if she didn't stop then she would be left out of xxxx day out, or have her ipad taken off her for a week, whichever is more likely to work.

Then if the behaviour continues make good on your threat.

She's a teenager she will get it eventually

I would try taking screen time off her. Including mobile ipad and telly. confiscated for half an hour for each offense. or start with a set amount per day and reduce it.

Or mising a favourite tv show. i would not go for missing days out as that is punishing everyone for her nonsense.

I met think her dad needs to manage it, not sure what your relationship is like but I would have been far more compliant with my dad asking me not to do something than my step mum. I do however think what she did is totally unacceptable and she needs to know this is wrong, suspect she knew from your reaction you weren't pleased?

Is it only DD she is hurting? Perhaps she is lashing out because she is resentful that DD gets to spend more time with her Dad than she does. Is it possible for you both & especially dad to reinforce how much she is loved & wanted, even though her behaviour is so challenging? Of course sanctions for poor behaviour are still appropriate but she is of an age anyway when she is figuring out how she fits in.

Taking phone/laptop/tv away wont work because she literally uses them for a bout 10 mins in a whole day when she is here because her and DD are off playing all the time.

She defo knew I wasn't pleased, but she said sorry and DD accepted. Which is fine, until next time..

Fuzzy - I don't think it's possible for us to show her how loved and wanted she is here. She loves coming here and we always have fun. We all have a good relationship with her. She is rough with her dad as well, she just jabbed him in the ribs and he snapped at her.

I just feel like because she does this every time she comes down, we need to do more to stop it because it's obvious just telling her off and getting an apology isn't enough. I really think leaving her out of days out will not be proactive. I think she'll end up feeling very secluded, and we've worked so hard for her to feel welcome/loved etc.

oops meant to say...

Fuzzy - I don't think it's possible for us to show her how loved and wanted she is here, more then we do already. We honestly go out of our way to make sure she gets the best of our time and love, to the point that we've had to reel it in a bit because it was getting a bit unfair on DD

I think the best way to make step children feel included is to treat them like your own children.

Including sanctions for bad behaviour. If she really is being bad and you'd warned to leave her out of a day out but she still continued it may give her the jolt she needs.

She won't feel too secluded missing one day out. Besides if you don't do something just because she is a step child it runs the risk of treating her more like a guest in your home than a genuine part of the family.

That's all my own opinions though and is what works for us. Everyone is different

Totally agree with you Looking... The way you worded that makes so much sense. Sanctioning it is then. tbh i know it's the only thing i can do really.

She could have badly, badly hurt your DD! :(

What would you do if it were your own child who did that?

OK, then - do that.

Looking has it exactly...

Cancel the day out until you can get some childcare for the thirteen year old, then take the ten year old. That's what I'd do with my own children.

In fact, my children were once so naughty, I took my step kids to a theme park and left my bioklids at home sulking!