Maintenance now dsd is 18. Opinions please.

[clumsymum]

I'm stepmother to two, now aged 23 and 18, I've been married to their Father for 13 years. I was NOT the reason for the divorce, didn't know him then.

The 18 y.o. is just doing A'levels, and about to go to Uni (as far as we know, she doesn't actually have much contact with us, her choice).

I've always accepted that dh had responsibility to pay for his children, and have never complained or commented. When his eldest was 18 and left home, dh reduced his maintenance payments to X wife by 1/3, so has been paying 180 pounds per month.

Until a couple of years ago we saw the kids every week, but recognised that as they grew up they had things they wanted to do, so made it an informal arrangement, and told them they can see us whenever they like, just ring.

DSD has basically stopped any contact with us. She has never shown any affection or regard for her father, NEVER bought him a birthday card, or any sort of present. There isn't any animosity, just a general 'can't be bothered'ness about it. If dh phones or texts her, she doesn't chat really, or doesn't reply.

I have suggested that when she finishes school, he needs to change his approach to maintenance (assuming she stays in education. If she doesn't, maintenance stops anyway). I suggested that he pays it to her, not her mother, at £150 per month.

I think this is more than many students will get, and as her mother now has a very good job (I reckon earning as much as dh does, if not more) she can contribute too.

I'm not intending to be mean, but I do feel aggrieved that she makes no effort to contact her father, or her little step-brother, who misses her a great deal, and often asks why we don't see her any more. She didn't acknowledge his 6th birthday, BTW.

hyacinth your attitude towards an 11 yr old girl is disgusting.

You have just made the point that it is not just you that she does this to, so obviously this is a problem that goes much deeper than her just not liking you. She may be shy of people or not like strangers which is what she will judge you as onsidering your attitude towards her.

When she goes to secondary school she may come out of herself a bit but if she contunued to totally ignore you I have to say I wouldn't blame her.

also, if it's been going on for "years and years" that indicates that it's not something simple for which she can be held responsible. she's not an adult now and she certainly wasn't an adult when this started "years and years" ago. I do have sympathy hyacinth, I can see how incredibly wearing it must be for you to keep on trying, but it doesn;t seem to me that she can be blamed for this. as I said below, I'm afraid that divorce really screws children up.

Her parents were not married. Divorce does not always screw people up. I have step parents and I would never have ignored them, my parents taught me better than that. It is wearing, I just wanted to tell someone about it not have all this abuse thrown back at me.

Would you want someone in your house for days on end, sometimes a week when they do not respond. She doesn't even have the audacity to say hello to me when I greet her.

What is the point in speaking to her?

i would like to defend hycainth. My step son lives with us. A shorten version of the story is DH was giveb custody when step son was 3 he is now 16. we were married 4 years ago i had no part in the split up. step son has brought drugs into this house, abused me verbally, abused teachers verbally, been physically aggressive towards me and teachers, we as a family have been unable to go on holiday since our honeymoon, he drinks, steals, he allowed social services to think that we or rather i was abusing him in some way. I have lived with this for 4 years and i have had enough. He will be moving out to a flat shortly curtesy of Social Service. Social Services were considereing keeping an eye on my ds1 and new baby because of the drugs. Yes i dislike him. i have tried and tried and as i have said before i sometimes feel that i should have left with my children. I regret the marriage though i love my husband very much. Rant over. i await the flac.

Hi nicnack2 - thank you for your understanding. I do not know what else to do. I end up in floods of tears every time I see her because she is so rude to me.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment and quite frankly do not want to put up with her being rude anymore.

I don't know what to do. It's makng me very depressed and I end up arguing with DH about it because he will not tell her to answer me, or even to say hello to me.

no probs. are you on msn so not to hijack the thread?

Hyacinth, I also feel that the person you seem to hate so much is a little girl, a child.

It shouldn't be about your dh TELLING her to answer you. It should by yoiur dh, her Daddy, sitting down with her (and possibly you, altho that may come later) to ask why she is soooo unhappy, why she doesn't want to talk to you and others.
It sounds to me like you all need a bit more affection and understanding between each other, TBH.

HYACINTH, I do sympathise, the relationship with my dsd was very much like this at first. I kept on trying and trying to no effect, then I read a really good book by Cherie Burns - How to survive stepmotherhood without feeling left-out, frustrated or wicked. It really helped me understand the relationship and how I could make things better.

I agree with clumsymum you and your dp should get together and chat with dsd (nothing too heavy) to try to find out why she is so unhappy. I also found that pretending and acting that I loved dsd very, very much helped and the feelings (after a while) became real, dsd reacted to me differently because I was reacting differently to her and now we are really good friends and I care for her deeply.

I realise that you need help to sort this out not the slating that you are getting here, it will only make things worse for you.

Please try to get the \link{http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609807447/002-2951742-4777621?v=glance&n=283155\book}, I hope it helps.

That link was to Amazon America, doh! try \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060970642/qid=1150470962/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/026-3796977-2908446\here}.

i had a quick look at it and read the extract looked good

It was life-saver for me, I read it just before we all went on holiday, I can't tell you how much it helped.

that book looks really good I think I might have to read it.

I think your ideas on maintainance sound quite reasonable clumsymum BTW.

Myself and DH have sat down with her and tried talking to her but she just shrugs her shoulders and doesn't speak. DH tried it without me around and DSD just said that everything was all right.

Will try and get hold of the book - thanks.

Didn't need a slating just got me more upset - thanks!!!!

Hi nicnack2

Yes I am on MSN.

It can be really hard for children to deal with a 'what's wrong' conversation, especially when something really is wrong. Almost impossible to articulate your feelings. Which doesn't make you feel any better, I know. Hope the book helps.

hyacinth I hope you didn't think i gave you a slating or threw abuse at you. I specifically said I had sympathy and my comments were not at all abusive - they were about your dsd not you - I said I didn't think she could be blamed, I said nothing about you - only that I had sympathy

Only read the OP.

I didnt even realise you had to pay maininance at 18 I was married with a child by then. I thought that because they were legally an adult they should have to look after themselves, get a job or something (I have a very simplistic view as ive never had to deal with any of this) So from your OP it seems like you are being very generous, and I do think that it sounds good to pay the money straight to her rather than to her mother. (although would then expect her to pay rent to her mother type thing)

Thing is Tamba, if you go to university, you are assessed on your parents' income. Even though you are an adult, have the vote, can sign contracts, for student finance purposes you are treated as a child. Bizarre but true. So most parents support their adult children at university.

Hyacinth if you felt that I was throwing abuse at you I wasn't and I certainly wasn't giving you a slating.
I will stand by the comments that I made because I am disgusted that you can talk about an 11 year old girl the way you have, that doesn't mean I do not sympathise because I do. However you made it very clear that her refusal to speak is not just aimed at you she doesn't speak to anyone but her Dad (and I suspect Mum) and this has been going on for a long time.

This makes it clear to me that this little girl is not just the rude girl you are making her out to be, she is either very very shy and slightly scared by you and others or she is very very unhappy spending time with you and your dh, so if this has been going on for years and years I suspect she damn more unhappy about everything than you are.

I do not mean to come across as nasty but I will say again that she is 11 years old ffs and you are on here slating her and then moaning when you get a slating yourself.

I hope that you do get this sorted out as I have a stepmum and a stepdad and would never change them for the world (even though I hardly ever spoke to my stepmum when I went to visit as I was scared of her) and I hope that your Dad pulls through his illness.

Thanks aliigator and Tamba for your comments, I was beginning to feel like a wicked stepmother.

I'm glad that you think it's reasonable or genorous to offer £150. W hen I was a student (many moons ago) we got grants, but most of us worked part time to supplement it, and I think that's an important part of growing up, esp as she's reached nearly 19 and never yet had a holiday job or weekend job.