Travel arrangements to see skids question

[Reddwarflover]

I have 3 skids and since December we now live about 4 - 4.5 hours drive away from them as apposed to the hours drive it was before.
When we moved we asked my dh's x if she would mind meeting halfway to drop skids off and do the same on the way back.
She agreed so we thought great that means the day before Xmas eve hubby won't be driving 8-9 hours non stop to pick up his kids.
Only she turned around the week before and said her live in bf couldn't do it as he was working and his x also said why should her bf drop them off anyway (she can't drive) he's not there dad, my dh reminded her that i shuttle her kids about and i am not their mum but she pointedly ignored that so seeing as we were due to move on the 22nd Dec dh had to let his kids down and not see them at all over Xmas which was awful.
We figured it was probably the cost of fuel that put them off so we upped the maintenance to easily cover fuel costs and the costs of food and drinks along the way which they agreed to.
So roll on Easter and we had arranged to have the kids then and he asked her again to drop the kids half way and his x agreed and all went well.
Summer hol's approach and low and behold his x decides that her bf can no longer do the drop so they rope dh's parents into dropping them off and in her defence they gave them half the extra money to cover costs but the x has said she can't pick the kids up which means my dh will have to travel all the way to hers and back (extra fuel costs for him) which would be fine under normal circumstances but my dh had a fractured spine and can no longer sit in a car for longer than 3 hour periods.
I cannot go with him to drive because I am looking after my own 3 kids.
So I was wondering what people do in these situations? I know we can't force her bf to help us out and neither would we want to but surely he can see our point because his dd from his 1st relationship is dropped off via his ex in laws to his.

[Reddwarflover]

Btw my dh doesn't know I'm going yet as I've only just decided to do it myself today. He thinks he's going and hasn't complained once about that its the messing around with promises he's annoyed about. He loves his kids so much and done and put up with so much so he can be with his kids and while we have moved because of work we are trying our best to keep up contact and if that means I go to collect the kids or he does then so be it.
I was just wondering what other people's experiences with this sort of thing were because I know we are not the only family to be going through this. It's sometimes nice to know you are not the only one.

[Reddwarflover]

Yeah I know your right china and its an on going struggle but we have to keep it at I'm afraid. We've already had the 'any date you suggest is when we are busy' debate.

[Petal02]

There are two particularly good suggestions that have been made:

Firstly, consider having fewer visits, but of a longer duration. Probably not ideal but definitely more practical.

Also secondly, I think the idea of visiting the children, but not necessarily driving them back to your house, is worth exploring. And if the money you save might cover a Travel Lodge etc, then it could save a lot of hours on the road.

And who knows ? with the forces you could find you?re soon posted again, fingers crossed you might be a lot nearer the children!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

red A common issue faced by many SMs that you may want to consider is that some mums will refuse to handover the DCs to SM - so you may may drive all that way only to face a refusal from her to let them go with you.

[sweetpea13]

Sorry that's my fault, I missed the part about the forces.

I'm not sure though, something to me just doesn't quite add up. Like you were moving on 22nd of december but the kids were coming to stay with you the day before xmas eve (23rd dec)??? really????? your DSC were coming to stay the day after xmas eve? when the house was turned upside down and ever room is piled high with boxes? And because she wouldn't drive half the journey it meant that he couldn't see the kids AT ALL over xmas? really? So he couldn't have picked them up, taken them to a relatives or out for a meal or to the cinema or anything what so ever over the whole xmas period? really???

And she forced him to take a posting that he didn't want to take? Really? That's funny because I have quite a lot of family in the forces and they never get a say over where they get posted. Yes they might get to request something, or if they really don't want to go to a particular place then they might ask for somewhere else or they might see if one of their mates wants to swap postings but as you said yourself, you had no say over where you moved to, you have to go where you are told. But she made him accept somewhere he didn't want to move to??? really??

As I said, this story just doesn't quite add up to me.

[sweetpea13]

Sorry typo - was meant to say 'your DSC were coming to stay with you the day after you moved?'

[Petal02]

I agree some of the details sound a bit strange, but as we're all anonymous here I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume they're telling the truths. There's no reason to do otherwise when your identity is concealed.

[runawaysimba]

sweetpea I just assumed that was one of those things - Christmas visit had been prearranged and then the move date was set, didn't want to cancel the kids' visit.
Anyway, OP, just wanted to say you sound lovely. My DP's ex moved a five-hour drive away when she left him, promised to bring their DD back for visits regularly. She did that once in 6 years. He has spent hundreds every month on top of maintenance on driving and motel bills to see his DD. Even when it's unfair, you can be happy that someone is prepared to suck up the expense/inconvenience to put the children first.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I'm not sure it's always the right thing to do to rely on stepparents to fulfil the practicalities needed for DCs to maintain a long distance relationship with either of their parents, though.
It covers up the lack of commitment on the part of the parents and should circumstances change, or relationships break down, then a DC can be facing the loss of contact with a parent alongside the loss from their life of the stepparent who made that contact happen.

In this instance, mum doesn't drive, dad can't drive long distances at a time, so a different solution needs to be found.
Relying on one (or both) stepparents to fill the void and solve the problem is a recipe for resentment, obligation and disaster in my opinion!

[sweetpea13]

I just think that where there's a will there's a way. If both parents are really committed to maintaining a good relationship between the absent parent and the child then it's quite easy.

It would seem that Mum isn't really that bothered about her kids seeing their Dad, if she was then she'd get on the train or a bus with the kids to take them half way. If Dad was really that committed he'd do the same.

I suspect that Dad doesn't bother with the kids that much, the kids probably aren't that bothered about seeing him so Mum and her bf have got the attitude of 'why should we do all that driving so that he can see them? If he wants to see them he can come and get them himself'.