TWAT FACE

[stepmooster]

I need to let this out or I will just explode.

DH managed to get DSS mum to stick to original dates that we would have him this 6 weeks holiday, major respect brownie points earned with me. I already posted about this and also about how DSS was with us when DD was born last year and how he got very upset about it, it was quick and messy and not something DSS handled well. I already posted about how DSS has just relocated and has a really complicated commute coming up to his secondary school which he starts for the first time in September.

I am being induced at the end of August with DC2. DSS is going to have another sibling soon so plenty of emotional things happening in his little life.

DSS arrived with us on Friday, we are told via DSS we are to have him an extra 3 nights because his mum needs to get over the jetlag from her second honeymoon (DSS words not mine), and that we will just agree to switch all the EOW weekends around so that from now on we have DSS when it should be her weekend etc. Only snag is that would mean DSS is with us the weekend which is 2 days after I am going to be started off with induction. DH will stand his ground and not agree to this, and either say to his ex one of them forfeits a weekend to make sure that the weekends he is with us does not change. There is a supposed agreement in place that if one or other needs to switch a weekend, then we both do 2 double weekends in a row. I have no issue with DH, I am sure he will stand his ground with his ex, but why must DSS be even involved in these discussions??

DSS has had nightmares/night terrors/sleep walking every night since he has been here. He is shouting out for his mum in his sleep and its quite disturbing. DH comforts him, tells him his mum loves him etc. We have noticed that these episodes only occur when some stressful events are taking place in DSS's life. Less than 2 weeks ago DSS moved home, away from his friends, his mum has gone away for 17 nights, DSS elder siblings are with their father, and that means his older sister is not here for him either, they live miles away and DH is strictly not allowed to contact them by request from the ex's solicitor. DH is trying very hard to be here for DSS but he just won't open up about what he is worried about. We acknowledge the new sibling could well be the problem and we've tried hard to reassure DSS... but he just says nothing and shrugs his shoulders.

OK I grit my teeth and try not to think how his mum could maybe postpone said second honeymoon to some far flung destination where DSS can't ring because the calls cost to much until say, after DSS has settled in at school, got used to his new home, sibling etc..

DSS has also hurt his foot, and DH has just been with him to the hospital. DH sent a text to his mum's phone to explain what is wrong with DSS and asking her to call DSS (no idea if she will even see these texts where she is), we know the country she is in and that's it. DSS sees DH typing in his phone and notices that DH calls his mum by her name in his contacts and pipes up, oh mum calls you TWAT FACE in her phone. Nice, really nice. I am so glad DD was not with them when it happened.

DH is not best pleased at this.

Question:

Would it be prudent of DH to discipline DSS when he has been asked before not to bring up thigns like the TWAT FACE comments, even if his mum does say it? DSS was laughing when he said it apparently, so DH does think it's not right for an 11 year old to call their dad this name even if its one his mum uses. Mostly DH just tries to rise above these snides remarks (mum says your fat, mum things people who drive your kind of car are knob heads etc etc), but I'm not happy that these little digs keep getting parroted to DH from DSS. DSS is getting older and we have other children who can quite potentially hear them and pick up on it.

Also I have asked DH to try not to mention the twat face incident to his ex. I assume this is the most sensible thing to do?

I know I could have just asked about the TWAT FACE issue but I really needed to offload the rest, it's hard to disengage when I have a high amount of emotions and hormones surging around my body at the moment.

hi stepmooster.personally i wouldnt discipline the boy, for just repeating a word.try nd sit him down nd explain that you wouldnt want the word said again incase your other kids hear it..as for expectin mum to rearange holiday,theres nothin you can do bout that,.poor lad has got a lot of changds in his life at mo.just keep reassuring him that it will all be ok in time.also does he have a mobile to maybe contact his sister himself.

Tricky. I would try and explain that it hurts dad's feelings when he says that and that it would be kinder not to.

It seems a bit mean to punish him when he's just parroting what his mum says.

I'm not asking anyone to rearrange holiday, but please if we have plans for the weekend the ex wants to rearrange (in this case actually giving birth) then why should we be expected to rearrange it? Our plans are no less important and if we were free then of course we would swap dates. Neither DH or I are asking her to rearrange her holiday, it's just that we deal with the fallout of the bad timing. Bad timing for DSS. That was a rant that I needed to get out of my system.

Natashabee, DH has no contact with his ex's first husband. I think any attempts to meet up with his sister would have to be initiated via DSS and his sister.

I suspect though if we did this and the mum found out she would probably not be very happy to here that both her ex husbands are getting in touch and organising contact between them without her involvement. In the long term is it worth it??

I think you are right about the punishment thing, but I don't think DH should just ignore it, and there definitely needs to be some sort of discussion about not saying hurtful things in front of the little one(s). And perhaps if he does say them in front of the little ones in future then DH does tell him off for it?

Your husband should bring his son up on using that name for his father and how upsetting it is. IMO he should also bring it up to his Mother too and (not in front of the children) explain to her that she can refer to him as whatever she wants if she so wishes but she should not allow their children to witness it and he has and it is out of order.