Am I being unreasonable? I honestly don't know.

[Rooners]

Ds is 10. His father left when he was about 1 and a half. We didn't have any contact for about 6 years then we met by accident, and started to talk and eventually he started to see ds every few weeks.

Then he told his wife he wanted to see him, and it was formalised to every month for 2 hours. This was when ds was 8, so he's known his dad since then, but things are still pretty tentative and though it's gone up to 4 hours, it's still only 0.06% of the time (me and ds worked it out one day!)
They get on well, ds doesn't like his step mum but he largely just keeps to himself or talks with his step siblings (all much older) and his dad and they just mess about and he comes home.

I stopped contact 2 years ago for about 6 months when his dad turned up drunk for his birthday, and I had to ask him to leave (he is passive when drunk, well always really, but he could barely function)

Since then he hasn't been drunk on a visit, though sometimes he calls me when he is drunk which I hate so I try and end the call asap.

Often he wants to change the date of a visit and normally I say, no problem. I normally get some warning, like a few days - but if he is coming, I only get a confirmation on the day before, sometimes on the day.

This time I thought he was coming tomorrow. Met his wife on Weds who said they are going away for a long weekend. Hadn't he told me? No.

I just got a text saying 'so sorry I can't make it tomorrow. Can we do next week'

I sent back a very factual 'I think we are busy next week' after a couple of cross drafts.

He's taken his wife and her children to a festival. Ds would have loved it, but he never gets a look in. I am starting once again to feel as though ds just doesn't come very high on his list. He will blow his visits off for anything and also, when he brings him home in the car, he seems to be using it as an excuse to go shopping for alcohol, and I don't know if his wife even knows he is buying it (he has a problem with it and used to stash it somewhere secretly)

I feel like ds is being used and picked up and dropped and just not valued. Never mind wasting our time with not bothering to tell us he won't be there.

Ds has said he;d like to cool it off a bit as his dad is 'losing his trust a bit'. I agree - but is it wrong to begrudge them a family trip away?

It's just that it's ds's weekend and he does this sort of thing at least every other time...they are on holiday, or having a party, or something. And it's always more important than ds.

IMO it is totally wrong to with out very very VERY break a promise to a child.

Your sons "dad" has done that not once but many times.

I'd say you need protect you son. He really doesnt need a message from a parent who does not really care, that he his second best.

ERx

What do I do though?

I want very much to protect him but don't know which is the best way to do that, iyswim?

Thankyou for your reply btw.

I got a text from him a few minutes ago, saying 'my fault, I forgot my holiday dates'. Yes he isn't great with dates but it's 12 times a year FFS and his wife was fully aware that they were going away this weekend/ I think he is lying very badly, he knew full well and just didn't give a fuck.

I sent back 'I think ds feels very much at the bottom of the list to be honest'.

Now he has said he is 'gutted' to hear this and he can come over after work on Monday.

I said don't worry, we have a busy and full week and ds is happy and fine otherwise. We can discuss it at some point.

He just thinks he can do what he likes when he likes with no notice and ds always comes last.

Unfortunately you can't control your ex's behaviour. You sound like a lovely mum, obviously thinking of your DS.

DS has already said he wants to cool it a bit, take your lead from him. It won't be many years until he has much more interesting things to do, like see his mates, than spend time with someone who doesn't put him first.

Just keep being there for him, he will gradually realise for himself what his father is like. Let him talk when he needs to and give him a hug when he wants one.

Sorry, not much help really.

DS wants to cool it off, he is only letting him down and he doesn't deserve to be left looking out of the window every time his dads due to pick him up, personally, I would be tempted to cancel all contact, once speaking to DS of course, but it doesn't look like he can be bothered with his dads antics much longer anyway! You just keep letting him away with it so either stop the contact or "deal with it" as such sorry but you can only decide what's best for your son, sometimes no dad is better than a lousy one who does nothing but let DS down for 4hours a month, not exactly loosing much anyway

Good luck x

Thanks both, it is helpful MsWazowski, really it is.

Smile, I know I have to deal with it but have not known how to go about it. His dad is the sort of bloke who is very gentle, and amiable but he will avoid conflict at almost any cost. So I have not stood up to it till now, partly as I understand he is rather commitment phobic (or so I thought) and I have been like that in the past so I know how it feels and don't want to pressure him.

I knew if I said 'you have got to come every time or it's over', he would freak out. Basically any conflict freaks him and he'd leave, and despite him being a dick, ds actually really gets something from the contact. Even if it's just a sense of positivity which his dad does well (well, when he turns up that is) and a face he can put to a name.

It's just this time, I've realised that he is not afraid of commitment to her, and her children, only his own - and he knew full well he was going on holiday this weekend but just didn't bother to tell us.

It is giving ds the message that he doesn't give a shit about him. And I don't want that for ds. But as MsW said I can't change his dad's behaviour, or feelings about ds come to that

So do I stop all contact? Do I just let ds decide when he wants to call his dad? How far do I go in protecting him?

I would let DS decide, but that's just my opinion. He's 10 years old and has a good idea of what's happening. The only thing you can do is support any decisions he makes.

His father doesn't sound nasty, just a thoughtless arse. If DS thinks that he's getting something from this infrequent contact, it's fine. Let him go with it. If not, then tell his father that DS will be in touch when he's ready.

I personally would follow your ds's lead in this one and ask what he wants regarding contact. He sounds mature for his age, and I'm sure if he later missed the contact with his dad he would ask to up it again - just be flexible. Try to have something vaguely formal in place still so he has stability and knows where he stands, but maybe let DS choose how regularly and for how long, then make sure his dad understands that it is what he wants.

As for protecting him, all you can do as he gets older is be there for him if it goes wrong. Have you explained to his dad how it makes DS feel when he acts like this? As much as he deserves a bollocking, if he doesn't respond well to conflict or ultimatums then try the 'softer' approach? Maybe make sure he understands that it is all about his son, and if he carries on letting him down DS won't be interested. He might only think of the impact on you as it is you he discusses arrangements with. Would he be able to let DS down so easily if he was the one who had to tell him and then deal with him being upset?

Not much helpful advice sorry! Totally agree with MsW and Smilehappy though, your DS sounds like he is less and less bothered. In a few years he will be able to tell his dad exactly what he thinks if he lets him down again!

Thankyou very much for the excellent advice.

I am a bit confused really. Ds does have little grasp of times and dates and so on and he is used to me saying 'daddy isn't coming this week, it'll be in a fortnight' and it means little to him especially if I don't get annoyed visibly.
He seems to accept it - but I suppose growing up so far with no expectations of his father has made him see any contact as 'something nice' but he has little attachment or dependency on his dad.

Which given his dad's nature is a good thing - he left another child as well, in the past, having been there all her life, and I think that probably hurt her immeasureably. But ds has never really known him.

I wonder if it is me that is most bothered by it. I think I have taught ds in a sense that daddy can behave how he likes and it doesn't matter? When actually it DOES matter. It was only the drinking that I got very angry about and ds decided about giving contact a break - I made it clear that it was up to him but I did feel very angry and I didn't hide it very well. So perhaps he is taking his cues from me.

I know his dad wouldn't be able to cope with telling ds himself, that he was letting him down once more. He does take the piss royally, because he knows I enable it so I'm going to stop enabling it - I hadn't ever thought of it in that sense.

I suppose the bottom line is that he doesn't give a shit, really. And that is going to be hard for ds to take. I assumed he did care but really I think his actions especially lately have confirmed that he doesn't.

'I forgot my holiday dates' is just baloney isn't it? Clearly he's been there since Thursday and can't have forgotten he was on holiday, yet he didn't let us know. More like he shafted ds and was too much of a coward to let me know - or else, he was afraid I'd ask if ds could go with them, and didn't want that to happen.

I do not know or understand his reasons but I do know we put his visits before other commitments, and he puts them after everything else.

I think he's a twat.

Ultimately you don't really have much choice. His dads a bit crap and that's something you'll have to help your son deal with. You sound like a wonderful solid parent so your son has all the parenting and stability he needs. I would encourage your son to be frank about his father not being great at something's but reassure him that he is valued and loved by both of you. I would try to make sure they don't drift apart. Not having a father at all is worse than having a rubbish one.