Bad day, feeling so overwhelmed and resentful

[Tittypulumpcious]

I am struggling today, I feel resentful of my sd (9) and of my dh. My sd because of the way she behaves, her sense of entitlement, her blatant disregard for anything or anyone, her rudeness, her loudness, her lack of manners, her refusal to turn the fucking tv down until I turn it off and it starts WW3. The noise of her in general, nothing is ever done quietly..doors must be slammed, stairs must be stomped on loudly up and down. Her constant interference of our animals wether they are eating, sleeping or going outside. No matter what I say she openly defies me which causes upset because I warn and carry out. No ifs or buts.

My 'd'h because he only has eyes for her, because she can do no wrong 'she's just a kid' that no matter what happens I am always the bad cop. The fact he's so blind to her poor behaviour that he thinks she is the worlds next genius (pretty sure that's norm for parents?)

That he allows her to watch her tv programmes all day until bedtime some days, we only have 1 tv and is reluctant to remove the remote from her. I want less screen time for her and at a certain time for it to be off or to be on a channel we can all watch.

He never wanted to be a father but is 50/50 in the care, I see it as babysitting not parenting. He sees nothing wrong with his little darling.

I am so sick of this. I have nothing to do with his dd outside of our home. But, in our home it's our rules. I seem to be the only one enforcing them.

I am just having a bad day and rightly or wrongly I resent them, both of them and I want to pack up and take myself off until she's left home. I think I need to see someone about this!!!

Firstly, I truly do not mean this to flame you. Believe me, I have been there. BUT. She is 9, and your issues ad with your dh, not her. Remember that. Also, my dsd is 8 and behaves like an absolute teenager at the moment, it is normal! (I hope!). You need your dh to step in and remind her what is acceptable and what is not.

If I were you, I would go out, gt yourself a coffee and some cake and chill out, then go home and leave all parenting to dh. Explain to him what you feel is acceptable ie less screen time, but let him do the enforcing. You need to take a step back, it is time for dh to take over and PARENT her. Whilst in this frame of mind I wouldn't attempt this yourself, you will just feel more resentful.

Remember though, you are having a bad day and they will get better.

I don't care what anyone says I believe that anyone in your situation would feel the same! I am in a similar situation and it causes a lot of grief between my dp and I. I have been close to leaving because although I expect things to get easier it seems they are getting worse and I have more 'bad days' than good! It's so hard sometimes, maybe you should make the most of the time you are with dh. Have some quality time together just the 2 of you and meet friends more etc! That's some of the things that keep me sane!!

OP - How often is she with you? Do you have any of your own children too?

I have to say, I have a daughter of a similar age and she sometimes behaves like the whole world revolves around her too! But she is a lovely, kind and sweet girl, I honestly don't think she realises sometimes that she is being a bit bossy/rude entitled.. I think of it as practicing for being a teenager! :)

OP you sound like you have my life except that I am also 17 weeks pg with mine & DPs child so there are additional hormones in the mix. If I tell 8 year old SS off DP accuses me of undermining him & making him feel like a terrible parent. We have the same row every time SS is here (half the week) & it's tearing us apart. I have booked an initial consultation with Relate tonight as it was either that or a hotel room to leave so I will let you know what they say. Hopefully they will want to see DP too & he will be forced to listen to my view. He cannot see that from my perspective I feel like a second rate citizen with no control over what happens in my own house.

tittypul, all my sympathy. Been there, although with a slightly older child!
Do you have house rules? Like, actually written down, agreed with DH, with set consequences?

I recommend them. Focus on the things that you can solidly demonstrate have a real impact on you (in other words, beyond just being irritating). For example, I would get nowhere trying to argue for less screen time for my DSCs: I might not agree with it at all, but I leave that kind of decision to their dad. On the other hand, if I never get to watch telly, or my DD never does, because DSD is planted in front of it 24/7, that is my business. So the answer might be a rule about sharing the TV, or a system for deciding who gets to make viewing choices. I'd get nowhere with suggesting changes to the DSC's eating habits - but I can insist on them cleaning up after they fix a snack rather than leaving the mess, or decide with DH what is covered by our grocery budget.

If you focus on finding solutions to the ways that things affect YOU and on the house rules (rather than the 'kid rules'), you may find it much easier to have your DH on side. That's what I've found, anyway.

Frogcatcher - I'll go halves with you on that hotel room?! 27 weeks pg and 2.5 weeks into having DSD7 for a month solid over summer hols. If I wasn't pregnant I think I'd be drinking red from the bottle tonight....

Maybe we should open some kind of respite centre for step-parents about to explode...