Ask an adult stepchild- I'm here for your questions!

[dizietsma]

Having been a stepchild in the most complicated stepfamily for about 24 years now I think I'm quite qualified to give an insight into how it feels to be a stepchild in various situations for anyone who wants to know, I'll happily play devil's advocate for your queries.

Hi there, I am seeking a bit of advice as I am at my wits ends!!!
I am 32, married 4 years ago, have a beautiful 16-month-old daughter and a nearly 18-year-old step-son who came to live with us in November of last year.
My step-son lived with his grandparents for nearly 5 years as his mother dumped him on them never to return, which is very sad, as i do feel all children need both their parents, be them good or bad.
However, my step-son came to live with us, (there is also about 200 mile distance between us and my in-laws), because my in-laws couldn't take his laziness and verbal abuse anymore - he once threatended to push his granddad down the stairs whilst arguing with him at the top of them! He nearly came to live with us then but granny smoothed it over again!
However, since living with us he has done absolutely nothing. He doesn't want to go to college as he doesn't like it and he just will not bother about getting a job - his dad and I look for him. But I am now at my wits end because he is so horrid to me when his dad isn't about - not all of the time though but he is agrumentative with me, even when I tell him I am not argueing with him in front of my daughter he continues on, and this has now happened a few times. He keeps on and on and on and I have now told my husband and him that I am not doing anything for him anymore until his attitude changes, then I will change mine. What can I do? as I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband threatended to throw him out a few weeks ago when they fell out for 2 weeks, it was horrible being piggy in the middle, and I advised both that being thrown out was not the answer. My step son needs to be proactive in getting a job and being sociable instead of just sitting in a dark room all day and playing games on his computer, its not right nor is it good for him. We have had numerous chats/me lecturing him about life and life skills and he always agrees with me but then does nothing.
I do feel for him that he has come to live with us and he has no friends here to go out with and that I am his stepmom and I don't try to replace his mom in any way but I do my best to make it work with him and put a little extra effort in to see that he is happy, I try to incorporate him in family activities but he just doesn't seem to care about anything but his computer.
Sorry to go on but i really am at my wits end, any suggestions?

i have a 16yo step sun adviceseeker ahe is just the same. He has now left school, due to behaviour, drugs etc. We have had so much trouble that social services have now been involved and he will be moving out to supported accomadation.

Please see post, Just so hard. How does it work when you split with DP. Miss them all.

Hi dizietsma,
I know you posted this a while ago but if you can still help?

I moved in with my dp and his son (18) about 9 months ago. I am a few months pregnant and have just broken this news to his son and daughter (15), who doesn't live with us.

His daughter took the news really well and was lovely about it but his son didn't say anything (other than don't know in response to asking what he thought) and hasn't come out of his room for any length of time since.

I do have a better relatioship with dp daughter as the three of us do more stuff together. His son being 18 is more independent.

should we push him to talk about his feelings or leave it alone?

Any advice greatly received.