AIBU - holidays

[Nadalsballs]

I knackered, I need some help with the DCs and time off, desperately. DH works long hours and we don't have relatives nearby. My DCs are 3 and 1.

I really want a change of scene and some help for a week, nothing fancy but I need a holiday. DH refuses to go away unless his two DCs from his previous marriage come too. I totally understand this but it doesn't help me get some time off. Places with kids clubs are too expensive so I just end up looking after and catering for four kids instead of two.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Any ideas???

Yes, I struggle with this, or something similar. My struggle is with DP's expectation that, because I work PT, I will look after both my DSs and his DSSs in the holidays when I am not working. Our usual routine is worked out around my days off so that I am here to pick up from school etc. I find it stressful, and I become resentful. I have now put my foot down and said I can't/won't do it, at least not on a regular weekly basis, but that has resulted in him being grumpy and accusing me of not treating his DSSs as part of our family.

I understand where he is coming from, but let's face it, it isn't him home all day with 4 kids. It is me. I've also said that it is my/my ex's responsibility to organise childcare for my DCs when I work, and it is his/his ex's responsibility to organise it for his DCs when they work (both full time), and not to rely on me.

Your issue sounds similar. I have tried to explain how I feel to DP, but it always just sounds as though I am being unreasonable. It's not my DSCs that I find difficult per se, they are great kids, it's just the number of them all together, and finding things that they are all happy to do that I find difficult, and also the sorting out fights between them!

In your situation, I imagine your DSCs go on holiday with their mum too? So they are getting double whammy. I don't see why you shouldn't be able to go away with your DCs (presume they are your joint DCs?). My ex goes on holiday with his DW and their DS without my DSs. It has never been questioned by my DCs.

Could you go away with your DCs and your parents? Somewhere in the middle of you both? Or with a friend?

Do you have relatives you could go to stay with for a bit of a break? Or a friend (with or without their own kids) that you could go away with for a few days without DH?

Or would your DH take a bit of leave and just stay at home - have some day trips out, do whatever touristy things there are to do where you live?

We do usually take all the DCs and DSCs on holidays if we're both going (though not if it's to visit relatives as they can't fit us all in). But our DCs are older and a lot less work than 1 and 3 year olds are.

I find this a bit odd. My DSCs go away with their mum, they won't always be able to do everything that DP and I do with our new arrival and both DSCs and Mum seem fine with this.

Equal is not always exactly the same. If they couldn't go away with their Mum we would make sure they came away with us if they wanted to.

Are you set on going away with DH? or could as suggested above go see you family for a few days?

Earlier this year DH took DSS to disneyland for a week, he did want me and DD to go as well. I politely declined to him on 3 points

1. Its no holiday for me trying to look after and entertain an 8 month old for a week abroad, without all the toys and baby equipment readily available at home.

2. With a 10 year age difference whatever we did would leave one child bored, probably DD who would cry and then leave everyone frustrated. Or I'd have to take her off somewhere to calm her down. And it would be an expensive waste of money to take her + me if we wouldn't enjoy ourselves

3. DSS would love some one on one time with his dad. That way if DH only took DSS with him he is both pleasing his wife, daughter and son. I took my DD to my sister's who has a dog and a baby too. DD had a whale of time, new friend, new toys new dog. I got to share childcare with my sis and catch up and relax, and DSS got his dad to himself. When DH came home he realised he wouldn't have had as much fun if we had gone. He said he saw stressed out parents of a baby at breakfast every morning, and older kids playing up because the baby kept crying. He thought that it could have been us and was thankful I had agreed not to go!

Its the way you sell it to your DP. If you make it sound like you are just moaning (which I don't think you are btw) but if you've got 2 small kids and elder DSC what exactly can you do that is age appropriate for all the children?

Could you have a weekend break with some girlfriends before or after the family hol to recharge your batteries.
We would never go away without our ss as I think he would feel left out of the family but that's just our situation everybody is different obviously

Thanks all! Great advice. I have spoken to DH and he's agreed that I can go away with my mum and the children. I don't have family to stay with (my step father doesn't like children so can't stay at mum's) but going away with her helping is a good compromise.

I don't want my sdcs to feel left out but I really need a break too, we don't have relatives nearby and I rarely see DH during the week so no help there either and we have the sdcs at the weekend.