when birthdays and other important dates clash

[stepmooster]

Recently it was DD's 1st birthday, and DSS was not with us which was fine as we timed her party to be the same as the weekend DSS was here.

DSS telephoned on DD's actual birthday and he told DH that that day was a sad day because his mum was upset as it was also the day her stepfather died years and years ago. DSS told DH he didnt want to be sad because he died before DSS was born and he wanted to be happy because it was DD's birthday. And asked if it was ok to be happy? DH said yes it was ok to be happy and not to worry too much about not feeling sad because he didnt know his mum's stepfather.

After the phone call DH was fuming, apparently his ex never had much issue with the anniversary of her stepfather's death before. They were together when it happened and for some years afterwards, she seemed to be more bothered about not getting any inheritance than his death.

Is this how it is going to be then for the next x amount of years until DSS leaves home, that he has to join in on his mum's 'sadness' of a family member he never knew rather than get excited for DD's birthday?

Part of me is being very cynical, I think the ex doesn't want DSS skipping about the house talking about 'a year ago today my sister was born and I was there blah blah blah,' pretty much like he was all weekend. I lost my grandma about 3 years ago and she was like my mother, i don't ask people to be sad with me on the anniversary of her death, neither do I dwell on my mother's death either.

This is also reminding me of christmases with my mum, her dad died around Christmas time and for 15 years afterwards Christmas was cancelled. So I do know that for some people there really is an important if not unhealthy need to be sad around these types of anniversary. It just seems to me from what DH tells me that this is not some annual occurence but something that has in the very least developed since they separated.

I am trying hard not to be very wound up by this, I have DC2 due to be induced at end of August, which is about the same time as the ex's new husband's birthday. If they end up on the same day I can forsee that any future birthday's will be some kind of weird competition between DC2 and DSS's SF, and DD and DSS's mum 'sadness' day, whereby DSS has to pick between the two and not for instance be able to share his love equally between 2 families.

What do other step families do in these situations? I really don't want to see DD and DC2 have limited contact with their brother on their birthdays especially as they get older and start asking questions.

well, logically, you're not going to get a court to order that every other half brother's birthday must be spent in dad's household, are you? So there is no legal redress (not suggesting you're looking for that, just that it's the fall back position - would it be ordered or wouldn't it - so you know what your bottom line is).

The reality is that your children are likely to have limited contact with their bother on their birthdays, surely? unless you have a very amicable arrangement with the ex? You do exactly what you did this time. If the birthday falls outwith normal contact time (which is likely to happen most of the time), you arrange the birthday treat for the nearest weekend spent with all of you. Just as you would arrange a birthday treat for the step children on the nearest weekend to their birthday, regardless of whether or not you spend time with them on their actual birthday. It is normal to do birthdays at weekends whatever kind of family you come from because that's when most parents are around and available to pick up children and drop them at parties or just spend time as a family. Your children won't feel upset about it unless you make a big deal of it.

the child doesn't need to pick between two 'events' unless you ask them to. If mum is going to pull some kind of stunt then step back and do what you have to do. Don't you celebrate Xmas at some other time with the step children already, for example? And if mum isn't really that bothered about her step father, the less fuss made now, the less likely this is to be a recurring thing in the future.

ds1 gets on very well with his half brother and half sister on his dad's side, but honestly like most kids he is really not that bothered about anybody's birthday other than his own. his half brother's birthday is only a few days away from his, so there has been a clash a few times with both boys having their parties on same day and therefore not being directly involved in each other's celebrations.... birthdays are supposed to be fun not made into a row. i really think it will only matter if you make it into a big deal.

With Christmas, DSS asked to spend it with us last year but the ex didn't let him. He wrote this big letter to his parents, so DH went to the solicitor and started to formalise contact arrangements as Christmas and DSS birthday has always been at mums. All was sort of agreed but the ex has changed her mind, but we have no money at the moment to fight for anything really. I know my DH and he does find this stuff very important, he doesn't understand why he should always compromise and I can guarantee if the ex doesn't at least become a bit more flexible DH will be back at the solicitor trying to sort this out. But I know what solicitor's are like, sometimes you can get a bit more of a balanced view from people with experience of these matters... i.e. you guys.

DSS elder half brother has his birthday around xmas break as does DSS (2 days apart) so all DSS birthday celebrations are during school holidays. DSS was supposed to be at ours for his birthday last year because it fell on DH weekend and DH did not see DSS at Xmas, in the end we had DSS for a half his birthday and he went back early the next day so he could be at his mums for his brother's birthday. As it was important to mum to have all her babies under one roof on one of her DC's birthdays, and I really don't think DSS elder brother would've cared if DSS was there or not, he is a lot older and doesn't even live there anymore and they don't see much of each other and DSS finds him annoying. DSS never even said he wanted to be home for his brother's birthday anyway if he did then we wouldn't even consider him not going home early. But DH agreed to do it for the ex as it was important for her and we could make the time up some other date. If it is equally as important to DH to see his son on his birthday or to have all his children under one roof for a least some of his other's children's birthday is that really unreasonable?

I just hope this is going to be allowed for us, DC2 will be born during 6 weeks school holiday, I can't see why DSS shouldn't be allowed to spend the day with us if he wants to? We are supposed to have DSS for 2 weeks during that time anyway, but so far the last 2 weeks of august have been off limits due to Stepfather's birthday, and he likes to go to see his family who are the other end of the country.

Things are more complicated by the fact we don't live close by, and unlikely to in future as the ex is moving further away.

DH had proposed that DSS's birthday and Xmas be shared alternately each year to be fair, as I say the ex did agree initially until it actually came to xmas itself. It didn't even enter our mind that the ex might not be willing to 'share' contact if another special date clashes.

What is the psychological message DSS is receiving if all xmases and so far only one half birthday are at mums, and that elder half siblings birthdays require DSS attendance but all younger half siblings with clashing birthdays are not to be mentioned because it's a sad day or have to be celebrated on an alternate date because mum's side of the family has someone with a birthday on that date instead? We are reacting to a phone call from DSS who asked if it's ok to be happy on his sister's birthday? I don't think it was us who was making the big deal out of it, just the ex.

i think i get where you're coming from, and obviously it's hard to comment without projecting my own experiences. we have no formal arrangements for Xmas, it just depends what ds1's dad and us are doing as to who he is with on xmas day and who he is with on boxing day. we live 2 hours drive away from ds1's dad, so it is fairly unusual for ds1 to see his dad on his actual birthday. we are obviously very relaxed about it. it seems to me that you can either choose to get into a fight about every xmas and every birthday with dss's mum, or you can start trying to give him the message that it really doesn't matter that much whether a birthday or xmas is celebrated a day or two early or late, just that it is celebrated, and that sometimes it will be possible for everyone to be together and sometimes not. that is normality for my ds1, and as a result he is completely chilled out about who he sees on what days.

DSS is 11 he hasn't spent xmas day with his dad since he was 6 years old. Last year we had DD and DSS wanted to spend xmas with us, I think he thought he was missing out on something. DSS half siblings have other siblings who they have seen quite regularly for years. DSS would be at home alone when that happened. For the first time DSS is able to say I have another sibling too! He wrote a very heart breaking letter to his mum and dad, which DH decided he had to act upon by seeing a solicitor. DH was happy for DSS to spend xmas with his mum every year if that's what he wanted, but it wasn't.

DSS is the youngest child of the ex by nearly 5 years. The eldest left to live with dad and the other is coming up to college, all signs suggest when the ex moves away she will want to remain behind and stay with her dad and brother where all her friends are.

I think the ex is putting a lot of emotional pressure on DSS, he is about to move far away from all siblings on both sides. Her emotional needs are somehow more important than that of DSS.

DH is I'm afraid the sort of person to think, my son asks me for help I must help him!

DH isnt going to mention DSS phone conversation to the ex there is no point.

Does anyone have other arrangements for birthdays of siblings?

I can't help feeling sorry for DSS this xmas it could be possible that his 4 siblings will not share any of the day with him. If that were my 11 year old self I would be pretty upset tbh.

My DH has a deal with his ex that they alternate Xmas and Easter and then share DSD's birthday each year - so she wakes up with one and spends half the day there, then goes to the other and sleeps there. Father's Day weekend is with Dad, Mother's Day is with Mum.

She then always spends her Dad's birthday with him , Mum's birthdya with her and all of her half-siblings birthdays (half brother and sister here, half-brother at Mums) with them regardless of whether it's Dad's weekend or Mum's weekend. They have a mutual agreement not to arrange anything on a birthday weekend as it is assumed DSD will be spending it with her sibling.

It's all written into a parenting plan that was attached to an SRO at court.

They're not particularly amicable - actually they only really communicate by email.

I think it's 'fair' if not always practical....