I don't like the way DP speaks to DS

[twinkletwinkle9]

DP is usually the most kind, polite, patient, mild mannered man but in the mornings he can be really horrible.
This morning DS (his DSS) who is 3 (almost 4) woke at 6.30am, he was actually woken by our baby who was happily sat in her cot babbling away. DS came and got in our bed and started talking to me. DP started telling him to go back in his bed and go back to sleep. That was never going to happen, he's an early riser, always has been. But then DP started shouting at him and told him to "SHUT UP!!".

I defended DS because in my eyes he hadn't done anything wrong, 6.30 is early but not ridiculously early. Kids get up early, that's what they do, if you don't want to be woken early then don't have kids.

I would never tell DS, or anybody else, to "shut up", it's just sooo rude, HE was soooo rude and it's really upset me that he was so rude to him. How can we expect DS to be polite and kind to people when he's being shouted at like that?

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, he's often just very rude to me and DS in the mornings. There was a time once when I had to speak to DP about the way he'd spoken to me in front of DS, he spoke to me like utter shit, again it was first thing in the morning, from 8am-bedtime he's a different person.

The thing that makes it even worse is that DP has got 2 other children and I have never in my life heard him speak to them the way he spoke to DS this morning. When they wake early they get in bed with us, they talk, play games on our phones...no shouting at them.
Even when his kids are being very naughty he rarely even disciplines them.

Firstly, am I being unreasonable? At 6.30 should we expect DS to be going back to sleep?

Secondly, what do I do about the way DP speaks to DS and myself? I have spoken to him about it on numerous occasions previously but it doesn't seem to make any difference. At 6.30 all he can think about is his sleep, nothing else matters!
But I don't want my DS to be subjected to such rudeness in the future or for him to witness a man speaking to his mother so rudely.

I also don't want to end up losing a relationship with a man who is lovely after 8am.

You might want to take this to the relationship thread too.
I got some good advice there as I felt my own dh was being emotionally abusive.
Have started couple counseling. It's all a matter of perspective. Basically dh wants me to see everything from his pov!
Don't accept this behaviour, it will only get worse.

Well, there are several issues.

Personally, I would be getting DS to go back to his bedroom til 7, but that's just me. When my DSs were younger they had those bunny clocks that light up when it's time to get up, and they knew not to come out before that (this was while they were still in nappies for nights). We still have a rule in our house, that both my DSs and DSSs adhere to - no-one gets up before 7 - if they need the loo, they go quietly and then go back to their rooms. So, I don't think you should necessarily expect DS to go back to sleep, but he could be quiet and play in his room. I don't think 4 is too young to understand this. My youngest DS has been doing this since he was 2 and no longer in a cot. However, you and DP need to agree on this as an approach.

I agree he shouldn't tell DS to shut up, yes it is rude. It sounds as though your DP is very definitely not a morning person. However, this doesn't entitle him to be rude. I would talk to him on your own though, not in front of DS.

You also need to be treating all the children the same, and I get the impression this is another issue for you, in that you feel your DS is being treated more harshly. So if your DSCs are allowed to come into your bed before 7, then the same rule should apply to your DS. If all children are to be in bedrooms til a certain time, then that needs to be enforced for all of them, not just your DS.

YANBU to be annoyed that he spoke to your son that way. I would be furious.

Having said that, I am really not a morning person and a 3 year old chattering away at 6.30 am would probably do my head in so I do sympathise with your DP (although would never condone shouting at a child to shut up).

We have a rule as well that nobody comes into our room before 8.00 (ours are older and can go down and put the tv on, get drinks etc for themselves) unless in an emergency.

Seems like a compromise is in order for the mornings, could you agree that if DS wakes up early you will take him downstairs until DP has woken up properly? In return maybe he could do so at weekends or when his dc are staying and then let you sleep in too?
Whatever you decide it is vital that all dc have the same rules.

I would sit your DP down and explain to him that next time his children visit and if they wake you up then you are going to scream at them to shut up and frog march them back to the bedrooms.

Of course he is going to object to this, which is when you ask him why it is OK for him to shout "shut up" to your son but you are not allowed to do it to his children.

And I dont think 6.30 is too bad for a small child either. They wake early, its what children do!

I would be very careful about all this and watch is behaviour in the future.

My ds was a terror. He seemed to need very little sleep and what he had was broken.

I agree with VodkaJelly. Make him understand that it is unacceptable to behave in this way to your son. Actually, to anyone, really. He sound very rude and whilst he may have spoken/shouted in anger (sleep deprivation's awful) it sound like he needs a good talking to.

My husband told my son to "Shut Up and Listen!" today. We were in Costa Coffee, having breakfast. My son has Aspergers and OCD and was obsessing about something. The people at the next table turned to have a good look. There are times, my DH is too harsh with ds. He can be a loving and supportive stepdad and I've no doubt, that ds gets on his nerves. There are times I snap and I'm not proud of myself, saying that, but day in day out, it is hard.

However, if I'd ever spoken to one of his kids in that fashion, I'd have been told, in no uncertain terms. I did tell my 17 yr old SD to tidy her room, two years ago, and I was apparently such a heinous bitch (in so doing) she has not seen us since. It sits badly with me but I have to swallow it. I don't forget, though.