Advice I think....might be long

[Notmydolly]

I'm not quite sure what I need to be honest, might be advice, might just be helpful to write it all out.

I have dh who I really do love, we have been together for just over two years and we have a 7 month old ds. I also have dd from previous ex but she called dh 'daddy' as she doesn't really have contact with her father.

My dh has dd and ds with EW. This is were I struggle...........

I can't cope with the drama and stress she has bought into my life, she is the cause of every argument we have. Every week is a new thing.

In the last few weeks, it's been her bf saying awful things about my dd, her cancelling contact as she has plans, emails and texts about lunch boxes, kids clubs, sun cream.......everytime dh's phone goes I feel my heart start to race as I think it's her starting about something again.

I want to change my reaction to all this happening and to not feel this way but I'm unsure how to do this.

Any advice would be amazing, how do others get through the nasty bit of dealing with weird ex's to it being ok?

Well done for recognising that it's your reaction that needs to change - you can be sure that you can't change anyone else!

How do you know about the things that she (and her b'f) are saying about you and your DD? If they are contacting you directly, then it will help you a great deal if this stops. Change your number and ensure that your DP is the only one who deals with his ex.

Ask your DP not to use you as an emotional dumping ground. If he gets stressed/angry/upset about his conversations with his ex, then that is his issue to sort out and explain that you can't support him through that right now as it is stressing you out so much. There is a great helpline offered by Family lives - either by email, or phone - where he can vent his spleen about his ex and get some impartial advice without burdening you with it.

Detach. Accept that you cannot make his DC's life any better and it is not your responsiblity to cover for their Mum and Dads inability to get on. Don't badmouth, but don't get drawn in - make sure the DSC see you as independent and uninvolved (this one took me the longest, but has made a huge difference now I've got there).

Oh, and helps, too!

I totally get where you're coming from, I still remember that sick to the pit of my stomach feeling whenever dh's phone used to beep to say he had a text cos we both knew it could be dsd mother causing hassle. Luckily for us dsd is now grown up so contact all sorted through dsd now but it did cause alot of problems.....though we often knew when she was going to pull one of her stunts!
I just stepped back and let dh deal with it (it still annoyed me but it wasn't worth the hassle). However, once our dc came along we did have more issues but basically got to the point where we arranged our lives and if dsd could be part of everything great if she couldn't we'd still do things cos its not fair on our dc. I think dsd mother got bored in the end as what she was doing didn't bother us anymore.
I think if you let her have a hold over you nothing will change. Just be prepared to stand your ground and help where you can if arrangements change but if you can't just say no.
Best thing is to let dh deal with it and don't bend over backwards for her. If your dsc lived with you then they would fit in with your plans not their mothers so if she changes plans last minute she can't expect you to change yours.
Hope you manage to find some way to deal with things, it's not easy but counting to ten helps at times! :)

Thank you so much for the replies.....I feel less crazy already.

Notadisneymum - EW's bf sent an email listing all the faults my dd has, commenting on how we raise her 'as our own' - it's this email that has had me stuck for weeks. I didn't get involved and didn't reply as dh did and pointed out that his opinion was worthless to us but I still can't let it go.

Ican'tstopeatinglol - I think you are right about detaching, I thought that by seeing everything, reading all texts, emails etc it would help as I'd know what was being said etc but maybe I was wrong.

We have spoken at length about starting to function as a family (just the 4 of us) more as previously dh has only taken time off work when we have his dc's here for holidays/weekends/school hols/christmas and I've found this hard. I feel that our 2 dc's miss out on the 2 holidays/christmas's as we are together.

I really want this to work so thank you for your help