Please can you tell me about your experiences with relationships between siblings/step-siblings particularly large age gaps or when not living together all the time?

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DH has two DC from his first marriage. They are now 15 and 13 and see us every other weekend and adhoc occasions during the week when they can (this has been steadily decreasing as their social lives have increased). Both are girls. I have been with DH for 10 years and although there has been the odd hiccup here and there, have enjoyed playing a role in the lives of my DSDs. We have been very close as a family although the dynamics have been changing recently as they've got older.

DH and I now also have another DD who is 5. Both DSDs were overjoyed when she came along and couldn't do enough with her and appear to have thoroughly enjoyed her early years. Recently though, neither have had any tolerance for her whatsoever. None really- just lacking in interest.

Trying to look objectively at the situation, I am sure that DD can be somewhat annoying but not excessively- she is inquisitive, sometimes noisy, loves reading with people or people playing a game with her, gets overexcited when happy but not in a major way. I am also sure it is fairly common for teens to be indifferent sometimes with younger siblings. But here are some examples of recent (bearing in mind sometimes they haven't seen each other for up to two weeks)

• when asked by dd to read her just one short story/ play one game, answer is always no (if they think we are in earshot it's a nice no "maybe later" if they think we can't hear its often more an abrupt"No I'm busy".

• never, ever get in touch themselves inbetween contact to say hello to dd or ask about her. is always initiated by us. DH has spoken to them about this as we top up their credit a lot, but nothing has changed. Dd was quite poorly a few months ago- not dangerously thankfully but still no texts or messages inbetween contact.

• there is a real lack of thought. One very cold evening I asked DSD 15 to put DD to bed. She just literally needed to pop her into bed. I told DSD that DDs duvet was in the other room, could she make sure it went on the bed. When I went up later on, dd was laying in bed asleep with one of DH'S thin cotton t-shirts on top of her. When we spoke to her about it she just said matter of factly that she hadn't seen the duvet (it was where I had said) so she'd grabbed the nearest thing.

• most recently, I had initiated for all 3 girls to watch a DVD together before dd went to bed- the older two were quite keen which was nice. They all snuggled under a throw. Heard noise later and went in to find DD laying outside the throw crying. Said she was cold. Turned out that dsd13 had got cross about dd fidgeting her legs and rather than speaking to us, had made dd lay without a cover. We do speak to them and DP in particular gets really cross, but it never really improves.

Sorry realise this is an essay but wanted to set the picture a bit. Does is sound typical of big age gap sibling relationships to you? I am concerned because DP is keen to stop at one DC of our own. I accepted this (though would have liked more) but was pleased that dd would have siblings anyway. But at the moment I can't see a close relationship between them in the future.

Thanks- I think definitely 'teen lethargy' is playing a part because there is an unenthusiastic, passive vibe about both of them nowadays not just dealing with dd. As you say, probably normal but it is reassuring that the sibling relationship can be part of that lethargy. They are lovely girls to be with a lot of the time, but show more interest in me than their sister.

I definitely wouldn't expect them to play with her all the time or spend hours in her company at their age (that's hard work at any age!) but I guess I would just like a little more thought there. We have Skyped occasionally but it seems quite strained and awkward- perhaps practise would make it better.

To be honest it sounds like fairly standard teenage crapness. I have two DCs in their twenties, and then two much younger DC from a second marriage - and while the older ones loved the little ones very much, and they have a lovely relationship now, there was that same disinterest/lack of care for parts of their teenage years. It'll get better, I'm sure of it, as they mature and become a bit less self-absorbed.

Thank you- is reassuring to know it will hopefully improve. Eldest dsd talks longingly of leaving home and the area to go to uni, which is great but it has made me think about how relationships will inevitably change.

So going on the basis that this behaviour is fairly normal for teens, would you actually do anything about it? I.e would you force any of the issues like,say, asking them once in a while to read one story? Or would you ignore?I am trying to think how to strike a balance between letting them be and to counteract a little of the disappointment that DD shows when she is brushed away?

I think forcing the issue will make it into a bigger thing than it needs to be - or at least pick your battles carefully. Obviously you need to come down hard on any thoughtlessness that causes your DD to suffer, and maybe you need a chat about not hurting her feelings etc., but tread carefully.

We have similar gaps to you: DSS1 is 18, DSS2 is nearly 16 and DD is 8. They get on brilliantly. But I never expect the DSSs to read DD stories or put her to bed or otherwise take responsibility for her. I think you shouldn't force this.

The DSSs' favourite thing to do with DD is to play with her. This involves larking about and lots of noise... They also like playing with her friends...

Does your DD ever sleep in your DSDs' bedroom(s)? DD loved "having a sleepover" with her brothers when she was little. Especially if they had friends over for a sleepover!

I think you need to encourage DD to join in with her big sisters rather than trying to make your DSDs take responsibility for their little sister. They will all have much more fun that way - and fun is how real relationships and bonds are founded.

Hi Bonsoir,

Thanks for your reply and experiences. We don't really have expectations of dsds taking any responsibility for dd. we've never asked them to babysit, and the putting to bed thing was a one-off when I was really busy. The stories, playing are what dd has asked of dsd herself. The thing is, they don't mess around or play with her either let alone do any tasks related to dd.

Can you buy a film for your DSDs and let DD watch it with them? Can you all have a girly outing to the hairdressers or for a manicure and include DD?

Also am thinking there should be some compromises in there somewhere. Dd does try to approach dsd- an example of this is dsd was in lounge watching a music channel. Dd went in and sat next to her for a few mins then got up and did a little dance when a song she liked came on. Dsd said "dd, be quiet" and gestures for her to move out the way.

This is a scenario played out in millions of homes with teenage dc but it is coupled with not much in the way of other interaction with each other either

Yes film idea is good. Also dd is just about getting to age when a trip to have nails done might be appreciated- thanks!

Speaking from the older sibling point of view. There is a 13 year age gap between me and my little sister (technically my half sister as she is my dad and stepmums daughter). What you are describing sounds "normal" to me, thinking back I used to moan a lot when I was a teenager and my sister was a toddler. She was just doing normal things like wanting to play with me, wanting to show me her toys/music/tv programmes but as a "moody" teenager, I found this annoying sometimes. I would play with her for a while but then get fed up with trying to entertain a young child. (I realise now it doesn't sound very nice and I feel like a horrible big sister). My stepmum would make comments and tell my dad I was being rude to her and my sister so then he would have a go at me. I didn't live with them til I was about 16 and we just clashed anyway, I ended up moving back out. But anyway, I grew out of my moodiness and now have a great relationship with my sister. I grew to love spending time with her, taking her places etc. Now she is almost 12, an Auntie to my baby, she was fantastic through out my pregnancy and we have really bonded. I guess what im trying to say is, give it time. Right now they are probably caught up in their own interests, seeing friends. They probably don't even realise how it comes across to you and their dad. If they continue to not seem interested in their younger sister then maybe have a chat with them. Or when they do help out, be kind of overly grateful for their help (not in a sarcastic way) say you really appreciate them watching her for you whilst you do something and the little one really enjoyed it too and wants them to play with her again sometime. Or maybe have a girly day out, all of you together so they can see being with their sister can be fun.

My mum and dad split and my mum went on to have two children with another man who she is married to. They are 3&2. I'm 22.

I tend to treat them more like they are my kids then siblings as I also have a 3 year old.

I'm currently sat with my 2 year old brother watching Mr Tumble as hes a little poorly while my stepdad takes my sister shopping. Mum is at work so I offered to watch him.

It is strange been so much older but I wouldn't change them. One if my brothers never accepted them so he never sees them. They wouldn't know who he was if he saw them and hes 21.

My 19 year old brother dotes on them. Especially my sister. He is her favourite no doubt.

Give them a chance to get out of the moody teen phase and they might surprise you.

Good to have perspectives from older siblings- thank you. I hope dsds and dd grow to have a similarly close relationship. From an older siblings point of view, as a teenager, how much/ little would you have thought was fair or unfair to be asked to do? I am just wondering out of curiosity more than anything. As I mentioned, we don't really expect anything of the dsds care-wise. It was mine and DHs decision to have a baby and our responsibility to physically care for her. Yes I did ask one time for one of them to pop dd into bed but I don't think this is too much to ask really. They are not asked to babysit her, bath her or any of those kinds of jobs. But I can't help wondering (and I know this point gets made a lot in this topic, but not stirring- genuinely interested) in a family where all the dc live together full-time, would parents really not expect their older DC to do ANYTHING for the smaller ones? I am sure that if I ever did have another baby I am sure i would sometimes ask for Dds help on occasions

I don't remember them specifically asking me to do anything, I guess I would just say, I'll do that for you etc I started babysitting when I was 16 I think and would also take little sis to the park/on the bus to the shops as she liked the bus and it would give parent(s) time together or cleaning etc. I used to not like it when she just wandered into my bedroom and I felt she was pestering me. My stepmum would say to her "DD come here, DSD doesn't want you in her room" then I would hear her on the phone, 5 mins later my dad would call me and have a go at me. I wouldn't recommend you reacting that way as I saw it as my dad taking their side and not believing me. (sometimes little sister would pinch me or shout for her mum and say i said something horrible when infact I didn't).
I am sure ALL parents ask their older DC to help out. I hope your DSD start to take more of an interest in your DD. Also the older I get the better i am getting on with both my dad and stepmum, so i think ita just a matter of time :)

I agree that its just typical teenager behaviour. There isn't a big age gap between me and my sister but she annoyed the hell out of me as a teen. Give them time and space and their attitudes will change!

Tbh the bigger deal u make of it the longer it will last!