Any advice on telling younger sibling that their older sibling has a different father?

[Newdaynewdawn]

I was 19 when I had my dd (now 14), her father was a wrong 'un and died of a drugs overdose 2 years ago. We last saw him when my dd was 3 months old and had no contact until his brother sent an email to say he was dead.

My dd knows all this, she chose not to go to his funeral.

Since she was 4 I have been with dh. He adopted her when he was 6. When she was 8 we had a baby.

We've never told him that she has a different father as we didn't know how in a way he could understand. Then when her biological father died we decided not to tell him as he was only 4 and would worry his own father could die.

He's now begun to work out ages i.e. knows we've been married less years than his sister is old. Also he now thinks he's adopted as in his words he's not the same as his sister. She is the spitting image of me and he looks like dad.

Has anyone any experience of telling a child about a very absent man?

And how to reassure him that she is very much his sister?

Any advice gratefully appreciated.

Just be honest. He will be able to handle it.
He is probably more confused by what you haven't told him tbh and will be relived to hear the truth.

It is not quite the same situation, but I have two teenage DSCs and a 3-year-old with my DH. The teens' mum passed away (before i ever met them).

We have never directly 'told' DD that the other kids have a different mum, and have never spoken to her about the fact that the kids' mum is deceased. But she understands that I am not their mum. In my case, the kids were so much older when we all got together, and I haven't adopted the older kids - your's is complicated - but also easier! - because your DH is now your DD's father.

DD and I do talk quite a lot about how all the families we know are different - some have a mummy and a daddy, some have just a daddy or just a mummy, and some have two mummies. Some have lots of brothers and sisters, and some don't have any. Some mummies had their babies in a hospital and some (like a friend we know) went all the way to Vietnam to find their baby.

She is younger, so it is more baby-ish, I guess. But I suppose that is where I'd begin the discussion with your DS. Talk to him about how different families are made in different ways. Then I'd work around to telling him how you, DD, and DH were not always a family, once upon a time it was just you and DD, and then you found DH and he became DD's daddy and you were all a family. "And then we had you." He is 6, right? He'll already be aware of other kids who have step-siblings and half-siblings, perhaps, and he knows already about adoption. So just tell him in the most matter-of-fact way possible. It's only a big deal if he is made to feel it's a big deal.

He may start asking questions to show he's ready to hear more. I gather that DD's biological dad is not someone who just gets casually mentioned in the home; you will have to answer questions about him eventually, but I wouldn't bother at this point, to be honest. He'll ask when he's ready. What matters is that you aren't secretive about it.

I , in your shoes, my focus would always, always be on how you all came together in this wonderful way to be a family. DD is his sister, and your DH is both kids' dad, and that's what matters most, not how you got to that point.

My mum told my siblings when they were old enough to understand.

It was obvious our dad wasn't biologically our dad though. I'm darker skinned, blonde and my brother is dark skinned, dark eyes and dark haired. The man we call did is pale white and ginger. Our mum is pale white too.

They had questions once they found out and now and again when we argued they would say 'go to your real dads' etc that kids will say.

I have nothing to do with my bio dad. My brother does though.

I was also adopted by my dad. They were a little confused and asked 'are they still my brother and sister?'

Mum answered yes because mum carried us all and dad raised us all.

I was always honest and open with my dc's (two fathers - 3 yr age gap) right from the off. In an age appropriate way of course. When they asked I answered and now 10 years later I am glad as there are no difficult explanations needed.

Unless you live in the back end of nowhere your dcs will come to know families where mum, dad and 2.2 children is no more 'normal' than your own situation or any other Children are very accepting of the facts I've found