DP says he can't live like this any longer

[postmanpatscat]

We have been together 2.5 years and live together. Mine are 15 and 13, his DD is 4 and stays only in school hols. We have had a lot of issues with both our exes. Mine has improved, his will be a thorn in both of our sides for years to come.

Over the last few months, DP has struggled with some of my children's behvaiour regarding tidiness and respect for the house and contents. There has been room for improvement, they have accepted when they have been at fault and worked on it. DP and I have presented a united front. My DDs love him but the youngest is in a bit of a bad place at the moment, hears negativity and thinks he doesn't want her here. He adores them both, but his past relationship also involved two step children, one of whom was a difficult child and there were many rows between her and her mother, so it was not just her relationship with DP that was a problem.

DP says that he will not come between me and my children and if one/both is not happy then things cannot continue as they are. He has been working abroad a lot recently and there are many opportunities for him. He now says that he will take a job abroad, not with the intention of ending our relationship but because he thinks history is repeating itself, we will end up in a situation where we are all unhappy and he wants to avoid that.

We have pledged to spend the rest of our lives together and I feel like he is running away rather than deal with something that can be fixed. My kids are fairly normal, smart, happy teenagers who sometimes forget that we have house rules about tidiness and respect (and I'm not talking OCD levels here).

I wonder whether some sort of family therapy might help? I know that his ex is part of the problem and working abroad would also make it more difficult for her to have an impact on our family life and emotional wellbeing. It's not just bad feeling, I had to report her to the police twice last year and had her served with a harrassment warning.

I'd let him go abroad to give you some space.

He doesnt sound very committed to a relatively new relationship which involves 3 children especially if he can just up and leave his own DD so easily.

Therapy might help but i would look at how he thinks your DC are supposed to fit in with his idea of how family life should be and if he is compromising his own behaviour to fit in with your family.

It feels like he is running away because he is running away

Hopefully someone else will put a positive spin on your situation x

Sorry to day it does sound like general running away, he sounds like he has unrealistic ideas of how teens should behave.

I personally could not share a house with any kids who were not my own. Unless the alternative was them going into foster care etc. that said I really need by space but I am more than happy being around my 10 year old dd. I like it when my husband travels for work as I like having the house to myself. Maybe because of the 3 hours a day commute.

So what will happen to his dd when he works abroad? She is 4- he should be keeping contact regularly and consistently. Is his ex unhappy because of this sort of parenting?

I hear a few alarm bells really. Your dc don't sound over the moon... he doesn't seem happy either. Having such issues over being tidy etc that you consider seeing a counsellor so early into a relationship doesn't seem fun to me.

I also wanted to ask Fairylea's first question, but I suppose if he only sees her in school hols it would be easy to work round? How did that come about? (The only in school hols bit, that's awful for a 4 year old)

Anyway, teenagers can be very hard work if you're not used to them (and if you are, TBH). DH had some difficulties with DD when she was about that age (having had a wonderful relationship before - we got together when she was 8). She was going through a very difficult phase, lots of issues I think to do with her own father's increasing rejection of her. DH saw a counsellor to get some help and it really worked - helped him get a sense of perspective, loads of strategies to help him manage/react to her behaviour better. They get on great now, and he is dreading her leaving home (she's 18, off to Uni).

But I think the crucial thing was his acceptance that as the adult, it was up to him to manage his own reactions and not blame her for the problems. Perhaps your DH needs to realise that the common denominator in the 'history repeating itself' is HIM.

balia, that's great advice. I have often said "But I'm not HER". We have talked this evening, he gave DD2 a big cuddle and reassured her that he loves her. He seems more accepting of the fact that he does not have to understand her every mood and emotion, nor to make sense of it or evaluate it, but to accept her as she is and help to boost her self esteem as she's really down on herself at the moment.

He has a great relationship with DD1, although they also had a run in when she left her room and bathroom like a bombsite and went to dad's overnight. As DD2, she also admitted it was wrong and went straight upstairs when she came back and sorted it out without any fuss.

His own DD lives about 250 miles away. He sees her EOW, but only at our house in school hols. He has spent over £10k on legal fees to secure the contact he has, and each visit costs us over £300 in travel and hotel expenses. This is not a man who wants to see his DD so little. He writes to her often, c/o grandma, but his ex will not permit telephone contact. His ex is a nightmare.

So, he has not followed up on any job offers and I hope the storm has blown over for now. Thanks for all your support :)