Moral dilemma (sorry, bit long)

[balia]

DH has a (hard won) contact order for DSS, whose Mum has MH issues. His ex has a very chaotic life and is frequently late for handovers; either not there or refuses to let DSS out of the house until he has done certain things (related to the MH issues). To avoid this impacting on the amount of contact, the arrangement has always been that time is added on equivalent to the lateness, eg if she is an hour late handing DSS over, DH takes him back an hour later. In practice, this never really works out as it wouldn't be fair to return DSS at unreasonable hours when he has to get up for school etc. However, things rub along fairly well and if DSS is going to be back late DH always rings and explains why (eg over half-term we got caught in terrible traffic)

So, due to the MH issues ex has been living with her mother for the last six months or so. When DH returned DSS at half-term, ex's mother asked if he would be sure to return DSS at the (court-ordered) specified time because her mother (DSS's great-gran) needs a lot of care and ex was refusing to allow anyone to go and do that until DSS was home.

DH's position is that this is ex's family's problem, they allow ex to control them in this way, and he doesn't see why DSS should miss out because of it. His ex has always been against contact and he feels that if she realises that DH is sticking to the court-ordered times, she will simply hand DSS over later and later to cut down the contact.

It is possibly relevant that ex has refused any treatment for her MH issues, and the family ennable her massively.

I think DH should have some compassion for this old lady - he says his priority is DSS who has to cope with all this chaos. I do see his point.

Any thoughts?

Why would DSS need to be home in order for his mum or gran to go and care for the great gran? Do they need to take him with them or something?

Best thing would be to say to ex that she must stick to her times, then he will do so too.

I'm not really convinced by your DH's argument that he's putting DSS first though - returning him at the court agreed time (regardless of whether there had been delays in picking him up) - would surly be better for him than being treated like a possession to be divided up fairly between his parents. You're not reducing the chaos for him by returning him late.

His being home is related to MH issues. Gran could just go, but doesn't like upsetting/standing up to her daughter.

Clearly, it would be much nicer if she would stick to times, but she can't/won't, so way back when DH was going through the court process the Cafcass Officer suggested that the time be the constant (ie DSS gets the time with his Dad that the court have decided is in his interests) because ex was being increasingly late to cut down the contact. This way, she knows it won't gain her anything by being late and has an incentive to try and be on time. It has worked, not perfectly, but it certainly improved the situation.

I think it is deeply unfair to suggest that DSS is treated 'like a possession'; it isn't a question of dividing him up fairly, it's about what he wants - which is more time with Dad. It reduces chaos for him because he knows he can count on his time with Dad. Why should he have to take responsibility for his mother's MH issues (any more than he has to already, bless him) and his family's inability to deal with them?