Struggling to be a step parent

[Gangle]

I posted a while back looking for some general advice on blended families. I have 2 DSs, aged 5 and 3. DH and I separated in June 2011 after I found out he was having an affair. He then told me he wanted to be with the other woman rather than me so I filed for divorce a few months later then met DP in November 2011. I was with DH for 11 years in what can only be described as an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Whilst the affair was no surprise the breakdown of the marriage and the callousness with which he left me was still a massive shock. I then met DP who has been nothing but amazing to me and is fantastic with DSs. He is also divorced with 2 DCs aged 10 and 7. The reason for the split was that he had a 2 year affair although according to him there were other difficulties in the marriage. It took me a long time to accept that he had basically done to his ex what my ex had done to me, albeit it under very different circumstances, but I think I am now ok with it although it has taken a lot of convincing. Anyhow, DP then proposed back in November and we are looking at getting married in May 2014 and all moving in together just beforehand. Whilst I know I love DP and he is a great match for me in pretty much every way and makes me really happy, I still have some big fears and concerns about how we would make the blended family work. There are the emotional issues such as my fear that he could have an affair and leave us, however irrational, and also practical/logistical difficulties not to mention how we become a "blended family".

DP has his children 50% of the time so if/when we move in together it would basically mean his children living with us half the time. I have a 5 bedroom house whilst he has a 1 bed flat (kids share a room and he sleep on the sofa during the 3 days per week they are with him) so it makes sense for them to move in with us. However, it seems like a massive change for all of us and I am sure will be fraught with difficulty. We have spent a fair amount of time together including going on holiday and weekly sleepovers and all seemed to be going ok although his DS is often, quite understandably, a bit sulky and resentful about sharing his dad with me and DSs. DSs adore DP and are often hugging and kissing him which upsets DSS. We all went out for the day last weekend and DSS just looked miserable all day and basically just wanted to be with his dad, cuddling him etc. I then end up feeling bad that we were upsetting DSS by our very presence. He was also a bit funny with me and made a couple of means/snipey comments to me which I ignored but which added to the tension.

I discussed with DP (not the snipey comments) and he agreed that DSS "just wants to be with his dad" and, as a result, we agreed that we should stop the weekly sleepovers we have been having with the children. DP also said that he was worried that I wasn't bonding with his children as much as he would have liked and that I don't ask to see them. He is probably right to say that there is not a significant bond there at the moment. I think this is mostly because I haven't spent nearly as much time with them as he has my kids and also because I work full time and feel like I don't have any time with my own kids, let alone his. DP is at my house 4 nights a week (when he doesn't have his kids) so see lots of mine and is amazing with them. He is has a job which means he has loads of free time during the day and evenings/weekends which allow him to give his and my children that time. Now that I know DSS wants more time with his dad, my instinct is to back off even further and give him/them that space. Just worried that if/when we move in together, the same issue will keep arising and how we will resolve it then. I could see that we could easily end up as two families living separately under the same roof with huge amounts of resentment. The problem is compounded by the fact that I earn significantly more than DP and, as a result, there often seems to be an assumption that I will pay for everything which is starting to grate a little and makes me paranoid that if/when we live together I will end up paying for everything. DH is here 4 nights a week and his DCs 1 night/half a day per week but he rarely goes shopping. I know his DCs are only here for 3 meals per week but it starts to feel wearing when I have to stock the cupboards every time and they bring nothing. DSS often asks me for money for sweets and also asked occasions how much my house is worth which also really grates! Just worried that resentment is building on both sides and how we will work it through. Bottom line is that I love DH and want to do the right thing by him and his children but there are so many issues/problems that I am starting to wonder if it is at all possible. Our relationship is also starting to suffer as we are arguing about both small and big things. What should I do?

Sorry, DP stays 4 nights per week, not DH!

Put the breaks on.

There are so many issues - and if they are not resolved before you live together/get married, then the foundations of your whole future will be unstable.

It is a big thing to accept infidelity of a partner; even if its not you that he betrayed.
You have significant financial concerns - perhaps some form of legal agreement (presented as a way of protecting your DS inheritance) would reassure you?

More worryingly, your DP seems to have unrealistic expectations of you regarding his DCs. Your relationship with them can't be forced, but needs time to build - telling you that you haven't bonded with them and at the same time reducing the contact between you is not going to help!

Many "second" marriages begin with couples counselling or relationship support - have you considered Relate, or the Alpha programme?
Time together in that way gives you the chance to explore issues that you may not otherwise talk about until a crisis occurs.

If you are serious about living together I don't think stepping back to appease your partner's DS is a good idea. I can only say that it is bloody hard work and takes a long time to get all the aspects of a blended family working - and even then (mine is four years on) there are times when it's hard. The important thing is that you both agree on where you are going with this - and that includes the issue about money - you are going to end up paying for bits and bobs for all the kids - but you should be sharing the main costs... My advice: don't move in together until you've discussed all these things with your dP that are bothering you because once you are all living together they will seem even more annoying as you won't have a break from it...

Thanks NotaDisneyMum. Think that is what is going to happen anyway. Feeling horribly anxious about all of it and worried he is now putting on the brakes as I am not able to engage with his kids in the way he wants. I am not so why I find it so hard. I would definitely want a pre-nup or a trust deed to cover the big financial issues but we would still need to talk about the day to day. From the few conversations we have had I get the impression that we may not be able to agree. We also get next to no time together, only from 9pm onwards 4 nights a week once kids are in bed but by that point we are exhausted, so very hard to find time to discuss any of this properly. Any suggestions as to how I manage his DS at the moment? DSS, 10, is lovely but finding it very hard to engage with DSS (7).

Sorry, DSD, 10 is lovely.

Problem is that even talking about it is very difficult as there are so many sensitivities. Maybe Relate could help although I feel like a bit of a failure for having to do that at the start!

Gangle - don't feel like a failure - it's better to have the discussions calmly with someone helping that arguing about it when you're living together - In terms of your DS - I would suggest finding out what he loves or is interested in and just trying to chat with him about that (e.g. if he likes motorbikes, get him a sticker album or something and everytime he comes round get him some new stickers - he will be looking forward to seeing you then!). it won't happen overnight - with my DSD's - one relationship took a lot longer to get right than the other.

Thanks Fooso. Last time his kids were here I bought them each a pair of really nice pyjamas as thought it would be a nice way of making them feel welcome but they didn't even say thank you so not sure buying them things is the way to go. I was a bit annoyed with DP as he didn't prompt them to say thank you. As a bit of a loss to know how to handle it other than to back off.

OP, are you sure dp is so different to dh?
I'm only asking because I was first married to an ea man, then spent over 8 years as lp, and though self sufficient, confident, etc. I ended up in a second marriage where I also now feel bullied.
We now have nearly the same set up as you, and dh has been a bit shitty about my names the house (my very much bigger contribution), wont share any financial information, although we contribute to a pot for household bills. I'm very open because I see no need for secrets.
After 4 years of "blending" the situation is as follows:
Dss has moved in 50:50 because he wants to share my ds/ his friends but doesn't wan to share his dad with us. Always makes a point of doing things just with his dad, quite rude of both really as makes the rest of us feel used and then redundant.
Dsd tortures her dad with less and less of her company but is willing to be bribed with expensive gifts she does not thank him for...
His money will always be for himself and his kids first, blended family never comes into it, unless I or his parents pay for stuff like holidays for all.
Don't move in together. Even if legally protected your dp,will never stop whining about some injustice... Let him keep his place and visit. Much better for you and yours.
Try posting this in relationships, the advice there is brilliant on situations like this.
Ps dh was also unfaithful to exw. Some men just like to drag strong women down...

I agree with earlier poster. STOP!!!
if you want to see DP, see him. But do not move in together in the current situation. You will resent paying for everything and if you read back what you originally wrote, it sounds very sad.. Please dont do this to yourself or your kids.

Sounds to me like you badly need some more time together with just the two of you to really talk though all the things you want and how it could all work. Do you have your DCs 100% of the time? If so, would you be able to get a weekend away by leaving them with your parents or someone?

Or get a regular babysitter for one night a week and have it as a "date" night - to get some real time together? It's really hard getting a relationship to work when you've both got children from the start and don't get any time together. DP and I are in a similar position of getting very little time without either lot of DCs - but have really made an effort to get some, and it's been really good for us.

In terms of your relationship with the DSC - I think it's much harder to build up a strong relationship with your DSC when your own are around. I get half my weekends with only the DSC (whislt mine go to their dad's) and it's at these times that I really do stuff with them and feel like much more of a stepmum. When mine are around I'm always conscious of trying not to make my DD jealous by being overly close to DSC. So that's probably why you're not as close to your DSC as your DP is to yours - he gets time with yours when his own aren't about.

We have similar issues with earning different amounts - DP earns a lot more than me and we moved into his (larger) house. We have a formal agreement to split all the main bills, and then he pays for most extras such as holidays on top (because if was up to me we'd just go camping, which he doesn't like). We're both relaxed about the small expenditure - including weekly shops. Seems to work for us, but I think there's a mixture of independence on my part and not wanting to be reliant on him, and a relaxed attitude on DP's part and accepting that he earns more so he probably pays for more overall. Sharing the house that was his house on his own previously has been harder - DP finds it hard to really see it is "our" home rather than "his" house.

But there's really no rush to move in together. Why not spend the next year enjoying doing stuff together but without any deadline for deciding where to go next from it? You've both agreed you want to be together, but there's lots of fun to be had along the way, keeping separate houses for now whilst you take the time to sort things out.

I agree - what's the rush?
Take it slowly and DO NOT move him in until you have resolved all these niggles.
With hindsight DP and I moved in together too fast and it made for a whole lot of unnecessary problems which should have been ironed out before.
Regarding your DSS - well I agree you can't force things. DSS will need one to one time just with his Dad (as yours need time with you) but he will also have to learn that being part of a family means you have to share the attention as well. This is one of the hardest things to do imo - to make sure they all get the individual attention they need without leaving anyone out and still being a 'family'. Its a juggling act that takes time and patience and it is vital that you and DP discuss everything and are united. Until you can do this then moving in together will be disastrous.