Shared residency order

[nicknamegame]

Some of you might remember that my ex took me to court to change the way he sees our dd and blamed a 14 mile distance for no longer wanting to have contact mid week. He wanted three weekends in 4, and I objected.

I'm pleased to say we had the final hearing and he agreed during negotiations to all of my proposals, which were basically to have every other weekend and a mid week if he wanted it. He agreed to every other weekend and every other mid week. It was all over in 10 minutes. I couldn't believe he rejected these offers in mediation and at 2 prior hearings yet he agreed in 10 minutes. He asked for a shared residency order and I agreed on the basis that it means nothing in terms of contact arrangements.

What I'd like to know is...is this normal? To take it to the wire, spend thousands of pounds on legal fees and then agree it all in the end anyway? He told an awful lot of lies in his statement and I submitted over 20 exhibits which would have made him look very foolish during cross examination I think....so is this reason he backed down? Did his barrister tell him not to bother? Obviously i am relieved but I am furious that it has all been for nothing and the strain has been immense.

I'd like to be able to anticipate what his appetite for doing this all over again will be. I know it's not uncommon to abuse people through the courts and I just couldn't fave this again.

Am I right about the shared residency order meaning nothing really? Is this something he could use as yet another stick to beat me with?

Sorry it's a bit rambly, lots of you will know who I am ( hi Disney!)

Maybe it was the SRO that he really wanted and the contact variation was a cover? I know my DH was very determined to get his SRO - he applied for one regardless of having 50 / 50 contact.

My understanding of it is that while it doesn't dictate a specific share in contact, it is legal recognition that the child has two, equally important 'homes' and as such, two equal parents. I think it's also an attempt to throw away the notion that just because a child spends more time with one parent, it doesn't make that parent more important in the child's life.

My DH had various reasons for wanting one; his ex would regularly begin her tirades with "I am her mother therefore......" or "I gave birth to her therefore....." and "I'm her mother therefore her passport belongs to me...". She'd also refer to her new partners as DSD's "new family", sometimes days after she'd starting seeing them and that made DH nervous.

Another reason was that he was struggling to get DSD's school to consistently send home two copies of all correspondence and once he had the SRO, they seemed to think they were legally obliged to do so (they were anyway because he had PR but whatever works I guess).

Mostly though I think DH wanted his ex telling in no uncertain terms by a judge that he was an equal parent to her and actually, for DH, it did have some impact and was ultimately worth doing. His ex seems to have far more respect for his status as DSD's father since he got the SRO.

So basically, it has had no impact on contact but it has resulted in a subtle change of attitude by his ex and by DSD's school.

I think the only technical difference having an SRO makes is that either parent can take the child abroad for up to a month without seeking the agreement of the other parent. If there isn't an SRO in place, only the RP has the right to do this.

Hey nickname I'm so glad it's all over for you!

I suspect your ex's Barrister explained the realities of life to him - I've never forgotten seeing DPs ex yelling and wagging her finger at her own Barrister who wasn't giving her the advice she wanted to hear!

Even if your ex (or his DW if she is still pulling his strings) has an appetite for more legal action, he's not going to have any grounds unless you breach the order in some way. Hopefully it's watertight and there's little room for negotiation.

Thanks Disney and Xalia! I'm so glad it's over...ex is bleating on about having 'won' but as my barrister said after he compared ex's statement to the evidence I submitted...my ex has a perception of things that not based on reality. In simple terms, he is a liar and was found to be just that...hence the fact that he did not want to go before a judge. He agreed to my draft order word for word and it was all over in 10 minutes. A pathetic waste of time and money and energy.
Xalia, my ex is very controlling and his wife is worse. I've no doubt they will be down at dd's school with the SRO shouting about their 'right' to correspondence. He even wrote into his statement that I the school fail to duplicate letter and that I was behind it. You couldn't make it up what he wrote in that statement, truly.
If anything, the SRO will give me more freedom because he was always harassing me about taking dd away and I needed to 'ask him first'. This will mean he cannot control our movements, it'll also mean he can't hold me responsible for not getting letters from school. He has a MASSIVE problem with me referring to myself as the primary carer for our dd, (which doesn't mean that he is not an equal parent) but he still goes batshit crazy. Hilarious really when he petitioned the court to impose a schedule on dd that would mean he'd only see her at weekends.

my ex has a perception of things that not based on reality

Don't you just love the way solicitors and barristers can sugar coat things!
I bet your ex got a right bollocking from his barrister when yours casually handed over all the evidence refuting his statement! Your ex obviously underestimated you - the strength of a woman when fighting on behalf of her DCs is formidable!

Well done for sticking with it - and let's hope he does make an arse of himself at school and with CM etc - you'll be seen as the reasonable, rational one

Yes Disney,the barrister was brilliant. Ex had a new one I'd not seen before. I'm hoping it his was barrister who urged him not to go before the judge because there was literally nothing I could have been cross examined on - he submitted ZERO evidence to support his allegations, so he was going to look like a loon and he knew it.
We were at a review hearing a month ago and he rejected my proposals. Suddenly though, at the final hearing he decides they are all fine. I doing very much that this was about him just wanting an SRO...if it was he wouldn't have needed to submit a 40 paragraph statement about how the court needed to change the contact arrangements as they don't suit his family. He devoted a few lines in his statement to why he wanted an SRO.

This stems back to an argument we had last year when it started where I was unhappy with an incident that occurred at their house and how dd was treated. I queried it with him and the next thing you know, he sent me a court summons. Him and his wife tried to bully me, and they lost, no matter what they tell themselves!

Oh well, glad it worked for you in the end then and you can go away as you choose!
I wondered after my last post if your ex might have used the contact thing as a cover for the SRO application - I think SRO applications on their own quite often get thrown out because of the 'no order' principle so if you stick a contact order application in at the same time you might have more chance of your SRO application being heard but from what you're saying, it doesn't sound like that was the case. He just sounds a bit unhinged!
Big vino for you tonight...

Thanks xalia. I guess if someone was reading my posts for the first time they'd think I did view him as an inferior parent to me, but the thing is...I just don't ....and my barrister summed it up nicely when he said that much of the conflict between ex and I was based on injustices that he perceived and not actually based on fact. When you are dealing with someone who has victim mentality it is truly excruciating, he blames me for absolutely everything. According to him, it's even my fault that him and his new family can't go on holiday.
He convinced himself ( to the point of frenzy) that I controlled his relationship with dd, yet he asked the court to agree a schedule that would mean he'd see her less. He hates me calling myself the primary carer, but that's what I am. When you walk out on your newborn child to skip off with someone else, you have to live with the fallout that will ensue. An SRO does not change that, whatever he likes to believe.

Sorry for ranting away there....I am just so happy it's all over and although he is gloating about his SRO, it means bugger all in my eyes.
He agreed to my terms within 10 minutes at court and those are not the actions of someone who has conviction in his beliefs. Thank you all SO much!

Xxx