So I'm becoming a Step-Parent - what do I need to know?

[Gigaflops]

OH and I have been dating for nearly two years, and have finally decided to move in together, with the view to getting married in two years if all goes well.

I have a DD (4yo) and he has two children who he has every 2nd weekend, DS (12yo) and DD(6yo) - we have spent loads of time together (camping, sleepovers, swimming, Disneyland Paris etc) and have a brilliant time.

OH will be moving into my house, and the girls will share a room while DS gets the boxroom to himself. All three are very excited about the idea - we've spent the last three months trialling sleepovers, and spending as much time together as we could, to see how they all get along and they haven't fought yet!!

I know that moving in together is totally different to Disneyland and camping though - so if possible I'd like to make sure I avoid some of the most common mistakes that stepmums make! What do you suggest I do to help keep everyone happy?

love them like your own

and good luck

Never, ever say anything negative about their mum.

Keep communication between the 2 families civil, friendly would be better.

And yes, love them.

Thanks Trinity and Schooldidi - they are such lovely children, it'll be a pleasure having them here!!

PS Trinity I've just finished the squares for your blanket... I've been thinking of you loads this week! I hope you're alright...

Decide on both your and your dp's responsibilities and discipline rights and methods BEFORE you move in and make sure they are the same for all 3 children.

Other than that, it sounds like you're doing things right :)

I hate to be a party pooper - but it's a lot more complicated than 'loving them like your own' for most blended families.

Firstly, forget the idea that you will keep everyone happy. It won't happen. You will be resented by your DSC at times, they will irritate you, and you and your DP will disagree over the DCs, about issues you can't even begin to predict right now!

You and your DP are about to embark of a journey that fails for up to 80% of couples - but, if you get through the first three years, your relationship will be stronger than most 'first' marriages.

As a stepmum, no matter what you do, someone will criticise you. If you 'love them like your own' you will be accused of trying to replace their Mum. If you distance yourself, you will be accused of making them feel unwelcome. If you discipline them, you will be accused of overstepping, but if you leave them to their Dad, then you will be accused of treating them like a guest rather than a member if your family.

Read the threads here on MN to give you an idea of what issues SM face.

On a practical level, one of the most valuable things that DP and I did was attend a parenting course together before we combined households. Not only did it equip us with additional parenting skills but it initiated conversations about our parenting values, boundaries and beliefs. We compromised and agreed how we would deal with issues before we faced them so that we have been able to present a united front to the DCs despite their attempts to divide and conquer!

Also, I recommend reading 'Stepmonster' by Wednesday Martin. It won't tell you how to be the perfect SM, but it will reassure you that what you feel and experience is perfectly natural.

NADM - thanks for being so honest! I've ordered the book, it arrives tomorrow and will look into parenting courses. What a good idea - it's always the things that you haven't thought of that throw a spanner in the works!

Any other tips?

Take it slowly. Step-family relationships take forever years to evolve and can't be rushed.

Be flexible: things will change over time so you need to be prepared to adapt your approach as they grow up and get to know each other and you two better.

My DSD definitely enhances our family dynamic when she's with us.

Good luck

Don't bother about trying to love them like your own.

Just try your best to treat them respectfully, and always, always expect the same from them. Be open to whatever feelings develop.

Make things 'normal' - don't apologize for your family's differences, don't try to compensate for being a blended family...just begin as you mean to go on.

Have rules. Communicate them and enforce them, and always be consistent.

Make your relationship with your DH a priority; without a strong relationship between the 'heads of the household', the kids will suffer.

Build your relationship slowly, get to know their likes and dislikes, I always cook with that bearing in mind (dss appreciates me digging mushrooms out of his dinner before I serve it to him!), I try not to sweat the small stuff, ds has been raised different to mine and I always try to remember that, so I have different expectations from him. I dont get involved with his school stuff but listen when he wants to talk about things. I try to agree with his mum (even if I dont) as I think its important that he understands that we`re all together on things. Oh, and Im quite happy to tell dh if I think hes wrong (and vice versa, begrudginly)

Are things all good with their mother and you and your dp? Thats a massive help if it is.

Don't expect miracles.
It will be a bumpy ride and may take many years before you feel anything remotely like a family but when it all works its the best feeling ever.

Are things all good with their mother and you and your dp? Thats a massive help if it is.

It's not unusual for a previously amicable ex to become hostile when a g/f becomes a live in DP or DW, or if/when she becomes pregnant.
I'd hate for the OP to think that everything is always going to be easy with her DPs ex - it may be, but not necessarily!

Agree with above about dp and ex relationship having an impact on yours. I have had a lovely step parent experience but DH and his ex wife have always maintained an amicable friendship.

Don't make it too complicated either or over analyse. Treat them well, your home is about to become a second home for them and well, yes definitely helps !

I echo never saying anything negative about their Mum. My Mum and Step Dad love to get a dig in about my Dad being an alcoholic and I find it hard as an adult. If it had been 20 years ago I don't know how I would have handled it.

There is a difference between 'saying something negative about Mum' and doing things differently to Mums way, though.

Too many SM (and many NRP) feel completely powerless when faced with the cry of "Well, at mums I can do/don't have to......"
It is perfectly reasonable to explain that things are different in your house and when DSC are with Dad, they do things his way. I think it's also important that DCs understand that both parents have a responsibility to participate in key decisions and that sometimes, Mum and Dad don't agree.

DP didn't do this enough and DSS is now struggling with the reality that his Dad has an equal voice in his life; he's grown up under the misapprehension that what Mum says is 'law'. Imagine being told by your 10 year old son that where he goes to school next year is 'none of Dads business, it's Mums decision'

YY NADM. Or DSS17's mantra "mum says....", and "mum is always right about these things"

Sorry I disappeared - builders in my back garden! Aargh!

DP's XW is nice, their relationship is amicable and she is quite chatty when we're all together (birthdays and such). DP has told her we're moving in, apparently she smirked but said she was happy for us? We'll see!!

The book arrived today - it's next to me now and as soon as I can tear myself away from AIBU I'll get stuck in...