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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My partner wont bond with my son...

19 replies

kayenails · 29/05/2013 07:54

Hi
My partner and I are expecting our first child together. Problem is I have a child from a previous relationship and my new partner has no bond with him. He says he's not disciplined enough and I don't deal with it properly when he is naughty. The way I see it is my Son is crying out for attention. When my partner is not there he is an angel, he just gets excited as 3 year olds do. It's putting massive strain on my pregnancy and makes me think I'm better off on my own?

OP posts:

EleanorHandbasket · 29/05/2013 07:56

Leave him.

I'm not being flippant. Leave him and put your son first.

This will only get worse. I'm sorry.

LooseyMy · 29/05/2013 07:58

I would never have got serious with someone who didn't accept my son, let alone have a baby with them. My son always comes first, as yours should. You come as a package, loving your son should be non optional. Leave him.

Kaluki · 29/05/2013 08:11

This will only get worse once the baby is born and your partner bonds with his child. It will make your ds feel that he has been pushed out.
You need to sort this out before the baby comes and tell him you come as a package deal!
In what way dies he think you don't discipline him properly? What would he do? Maybe you should sit down with him and discuss what levels of behaviour / discipline are acceptable.

Original poster

kayenails · 29/05/2013 08:19

He would take the shouting route where as I try to take the calmer talking route. Our relationship is long distance. I'm in the midlands and he lives in London. He only comes back every other weekend. He's very used to being on his own and i knew he struggled to accept I already had a child but thought as he spent more time with him he'd love him like I do.

OP posts:

JumpingJackSprat · 29/05/2013 08:24

If youre long distance what are you going to do when baby arrives? Your p probably hasnt had a chance to get to know your son and a bond is not something that can be forced. What is he like with him generally- is he always shouting or does he play with him, read to hin, show him affection or is it just the shouting? Have you ever lived together as a family?

JumpingJackSprat · 29/05/2013 08:27

By the way you need to accept that no partner will love your son like you do thats unrealistic. maybe your partner is feeling that pressure. i guess im lucky that my dp has never tried to get involved in me bonding with my dss, just encouraged and it has gradually built up over the past few years and i do love him but never as much as his parents do but thats the way it should be imo. I am 'allowed' to tell dss off when required but dont often have to shout.

Original poster

kayenails · 29/05/2013 08:35

This is the problem I don't know if I want him to move back or live as a family in case it goes wrong. My partner generally ignores my son. Occasionally plays with him but not often. He has no experience with children and his expectations of my son are unrealistic. My sons biological father is off the scene. He was very abusive and violent. All of which my son witnessed so given the circumstances he's grown fantastic.
Deep down I know it's not going to work but I worry about coping on my own with 2 children. I'm sure I will but its not ideal :(

OP posts:

quietlysuggests · 29/05/2013 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soupa · 29/05/2013 10:25

The good news is it will be easier single with two children than pregnant with a child and this horrid man. You know this, move on make your family work. Your children can know love and acceptance and you will all move forward. Eventually when you are all happy alone you might meet someone who deserves you all and who you all esteem. Nothing less is worth anything.

Good luck

needaholidaynow · 29/05/2013 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 29/05/2013 11:10

I don't expect my DP to love my DCs - certainly not the way I do. But I do expect him to be kind to them, to take the time to get to know them, to be patient with them when they're having a strop or being unreasonable and generally to be around for them. In return, I try to ensure that their behaviour is reasonable, and allow him to tell them off when it isn't.

If your DP isn't able/willing to get to that sort of comfortable coexistence with your DS, I do think you'd be better off on your own. I had a 3.5 year old and a new baby on my own. It's hard work, but a lot less hard work than coping with a 3.5 year old, a baby and a partner who's behaving like an extra child to be managed. You will cope, and will form a nice little family unit with the 3 of you in the long term.

Kaluki · 30/05/2013 21:56

Same as purpleroses said.
I was a single mum to a 3.5 year old and a newborn and it was a breeze compared to being with an overgrown immature man-child.
You should put your ds first. Your partner won't accept him which will make you lose all respect for him in the long run!

BOF · 30/05/2013 22:00

He doesn't really sound like a partner, tbh. He sounds like a bloke who got you pregnant.

Cut your losses and give your boy the happy stable home life he deserves.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2013 22:25

You can't live with a man who is going to treat your 2DCs differently.

K8eee · 07/06/2013 13:16

I know early on in mine and dh relationship I found it so, so hard to accept my dss, but since we've got married, we have bonded so much more. I get emotional when we give him back to his mum and really enjoy his company. I think we've both learnt to accept each other and don't have any 'beef' with each other. He's nearly 7, so maybe his age has helped with our bond, although his mum does try and turn him against me for some reason

Give it time, it may take a while for you dp to get a good bond with his dsc.

Sarahplane · 07/06/2013 14:07

I think you should end this relationship. I would be really concerned that it may be worse when the baby is here and your ds may feel really shut out. Although being a single parent to two will be hard it sounds like your boyfriend won't be around much to help anyway and when he is it might be more stressful always having to keep the peace.

Princessjonsie · 02/07/2013 03:23

Never going to work only get worse when his biological child is born and he treats that one differently from your son. It's hard being a step parent but he has to accept and treat your child like his own. He may never love him like his own he he has to not show it and at least treat them the same. My heart goes out to your 3 year old who just wants love . Please put your kids first . No man is worth your 3 year old being treated like that

Roshbegosh · 02/07/2013 05:08

Not sure about the "wise and adult" comment.

Eliza22 · 03/07/2013 08:28

He's soooo little. I feel for you. The man will (most likely) not accept your son. He had his misgivings (and you had your doubts) at first but in my experience, it is likely to worsen.

As you don't live together anyway and see so little of each other, I'd say try to do this on your own, without this man. Have you friends and family support available to you? If he wants to see his child, that's good but really, this is not a good situation for any of you. Sorry.

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