Ex threatening to send DSS here to as punishment?

9 replies

whilewildeisonmine · 25/05/2013 22:31

I really need a bit of perspective on this one, I'm furious at the moment and finding it hard to bite my tongue as I would usually do.

First of all, I'm a stepchild myself and experienced similar threats from my own mother which I think is fuelling my anger right now.

Today Ex asked DP is eldest DSS (12) could come here and stay for a while. DP said of course and asked if everything was OK as the message was worded in a very peculiar way and it is rare for only DSS1 to come without DSS2. In the 2 hours or so it took ex to respond DP managed to get himself quite worried that something was up but ex text and said all ok. A couple of hours later she text to say he wouldn't be coming after all. It's emerged that she was using coming to stay here as a 'punishment and a consequence' of bad behaviour! However 'it worked' and now DSS has learned his lesson.

DP said he is their father and not a punishment to which she replied that she could do whatever she likes (and a load of other abuse).

My own mother used to do this to me and, as much as I adored my dad, I lived in fear of one day being too 'naughty' and being sent away from my home. It really affected me and made me terrified of ever doing anything wrong in case I was kicked out.

I hate the thought of DSS feeling like that. He's a lovely boy and going through enough as it is without that threat of being sent away to dads if he doesn't behave hanging over him.

I keep out of DP and ex's squabbles (she's being vile to at the moment but by next week she'll be over it and he's so desperate to avoid her wrath he goes along with it), this one has really irritated me though.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 27/05/2013 19:55

It's bad parenting on the ex's part. But that said, in the heat of a row, I'm sure she's not the only one to have said something she didn't really mean. We've all have enough of our kids sometimes.

I'd stay out of it, encourage your DP to do the same, and make it clear to DSS that he's always welcome at yours regardless of behaviour and that his mum probably didn't really mean that she'd throw him out when he was misbehaving, she was probably just angry.

Booyhoo · 27/05/2013 20:04

i'll be honest. i think it's appalling to threaten to send your child anywhere away from home as a punishment let alone to their other parent. their other home should be a place of security and comfort and relaxtion, not a place associated with fear or threats or tempers.

i think if it was my EX i'd have to confront him about that. i couldn't let it go.

K8eee · 28/05/2013 11:01

Argh in the same situation myself!!! Dh ex threatened dss with living with us for the rest of his life if he didn't behave himself. We felt awful, but more importantly poor little dss shouldn't be made to feel like this by his own mum. He always loves coming to our house, and has even admitted he says things to his mum, and agrees with her on everything just so he doesn't upset her. I do wonder how this will affect the poor child when he gets older. She's now programming him to enjoy football and 'become a footballer' at the age of nearly 7, and then suddenly when dh picked him up yesterday he quite clearly said to dh that he hated football and doesn't enjoy it dh ex said it was just because his dad was there, and was lying.....this isn't the first occasion this has happened!

theredhen · 28/05/2013 11:24

Ds used to get threatened with sending home to me when he was at his dads and misbehaving. Of course, going back to the only home you have with all your toys and possessions and your mum that you live with 90% of the time is a punishment!

sanityseeker75 · 28/05/2013 14:42

My DSD was frequently given a black big bag and told to pack her stuff as she can go and live with her Dad if she doesn't behave - I just figure one day she may just say go on then and turn up on our doorstep!

littlejosh · 28/05/2013 14:45

Just to add, we used to have this a lot with dss's, and I always disagreed with it. Always felt like our home was the awful house you went to, to be disciplined. Also if we ever had plans (to go out) I always thought it threw the dynamics of the house off, eg you've been naughty at mums house, but we're going to take you out! Just odd...

likesnowflakesinanocean · 28/05/2013 16:51

this would annoy me the hell out of me but no way would I go along with being the punishment house. they are welcome here if there is somethin going on at a time they aren't usually here but not as a punishment if I were told x has been really naughty so he's coming to you I would say no it would make everyone involved miserable

UC · 28/05/2013 17:19

I think this is a terrible thing to say/do on the part of the mother. To be labelled "the house you are sent to when you are naughty" is horrible.

We once had a situation where the DSSs did something awful, and were meant to be coming to us that night. Their mum rang us and explained that she wanted to keep them for that night so that she could carry out the punishment of a very early bed. We said fine. It's only happened once (if it happened a lot I'd wonder what was going on), and I thought good on her. We were totally supportive, and DP had a word with the DSSs about their behaviour too. They don't try to play us off against eachother, because it doesn't work, and I wish more divorced/separated parents were able to see this and act together.

ladydeedy · 29/05/2013 19:32

it could all come to haunt her. My DH's ex used to threaten this all the time with my two DSSs - that she would send them to live with us if they misbehaved (i.e. she was just v cross!). And one day one of them said, ok, I'm off. He's been with us 3 years now and she simply cant handle the situation. She even told my DH that he should have sent him back to her after being "punished" and told to apologise to her and she would "allow" him back. Needless to say that didnt happen. He's happy here and she cries every day about what she has done to alienate her child. Tough.

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