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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would this piss you off? Or am I being hormonal?

14 replies

wellhellobeautiful · 21/05/2013 11:57

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant with my DP. He already has a DD who's 6.

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage so we've been trying not to get too attached to this one just in case anything goes wrong. But obviously I'm hugely excited and over the moon and can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm pregnant.

DP keeps forgetting though.

The other day we were talking about going skiing next year and I said 'yeah but we'll have to find a resort with a creche'. And he said 'no it'll be alright, DSD can just come on the slopes with us'. I said I wasn't talking about DSD, I was talking about the new arrival. Then I got really upset that he can just forget about 'us' so easily. And he just thought I was being silly.

On a related note, we've been planning on buying tickets to an event and taking DSD with us. But on the weekend he said 'hold off on buying the tickets until I've checked with DSD's mum that it's okay to have her that weekend'. I really want to go to the event and DSD's ticket would be free so I said to him 'well we can still buy the tickets and go anyway even if DSD can't come with us', and it was like that hadn't even occurred to him. It's like it wasn't even an option to go if DSD wasn't coming

Again, I got upset and he thought I was just being silly. But I think I'm entitled to be hurt. What do you think?

I might put this in chat too as I'm really interested to hear opinions on this.

OP posts:

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 12:17

sounds like man being emotionally clumsy rather than mean. thats what they do sometimes. forgive the idiot and move on as not worth the hassle!

theredhen · 21/05/2013 13:24

If you put it in chat you will probably get a load of non step Mums telling you that you should expect to be bottom of the heap because he has a child by another woman and you should suck it up.

However, us step Mums can probably be more objective in our opinions as we have experience. I think as a step mum you do have to develop a thick skin and the things you suggest ARE hurtful and uncaring but I don't think they are that unusual. He probably feels guilty he's not around his daughter all the time and your dp will behave the way he does out of guilt.

We have a family party in a few weeks time, it's on a weekend when none of the children will be around (my ds will be with his Dad, my DSC will be with their Mum). DP talks to his family and me about how he wants his kids there, contacts his ex and becomes disappointed when he realises he can't have his kids on that day. Of course, it doesn't occur to him that my DS won't be there either and I'm not disappointed in the way he is. I'm quite happy for DS to be with his Dad and to enjoy the party child free, but non resident Dad ends up feeling guilty. It's the difference between being secure in your parenting and the relationship with your child than not.

Perhaps the conversation about ski-ing, you should have mentioned about how nice it will be nice for DSD and how nice it will be for the baby to be with you. If you mention both kids, he might be more inclined to see you as a family unit rather than his DD and your baby, almost as two seperate units. Sometimes you have to choose your words wisely with an insecure man!

purpleroses · 21/05/2013 16:38

I'd think he's just being a bit clumsy, and you are maybe more emotional than normal - which is understandable too! In terms of forgetting about the new arrival - it could be that your DP is just being more successful than you are in putting the pregnancy to the back of his mind because of the miscarriage in the past. He may be genuinely able to think that it's not really real until you're past the 3 month mark. Even though you're finding that quite impossible or course.

On the second issue - if he was happy with your suggestion of buying the tickets anyway, once you'd pointed out that DSD would be free, then I'd put it down to just not really thinking it through. On the other hand if he seemed reluctant to have any fun with you when DSD's not around, that is a bit of a problem.

Original poster

wellhellobeautiful · 21/05/2013 17:27

Yeah he seemed happy enough at the thought of going just with me. It simply hadn't occurred to him as an option though, which is what I got pissed off about.

But the general consensus here and on chat is that I am probably being a teensy bit hormonal and he is being a bit of a doofus.

If I'm honest, I'm a little bit sad that I'm going to miss out on all the PFB excitement because he's already got a child and so is very relaxed about my pregnancy (to the point he keeps forgetting about it!). Lots of firsts for me that aren't firsts for him. I know there's nothing I can do about it but I'm super sensitive about it all at the moment.

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 21/05/2013 17:32

well i was going to post but after seeing that non-step mum's opinions aren't valid here in stepparenting i wont.

fwiw i wasn't going to tell you to suck it up and accept your place in the bottom of the heap.

Original poster

wellhellobeautiful · 21/05/2013 17:37

Who said non-step mum's opinions weren't valid? I already said I wanted all opinions, that's why I posted in chat too. Everyone's opinion is welcome and useful.

Some may have said non-step mum's opinions might be different but no one said they weren't valid.

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 21/05/2013 17:42

"If you put it in chat you will probably get a load of non step Mums telling you that you should expect to be bottom of the heap because he has a child by another woman and you should suck it up.

However, us step Mums can probably be more objective in our opinions as we have experience"

out of interest has anyone ever said to a parent posting in chat " ooh dont post here you'll get a lot of non parents telling you that you should expect this because you're a parent and should suck it up, however us parents can be more objective in our opinions as we have experience"?

specialmagiclady · 21/05/2013 17:45

When I was early-days pg with OUR PFB my DH used to forget a lot. For me it was all-consuming, I felt sick, my tits hurt etc. For him, nothing had changed - I was just in a permanent grump.

He is used to thinking about his DS, he just doesn't consider the new one yet. Once he's seen a scan and you are showing, he'll start to factor in your DC.

If he doesn't, come back and see us again!

purpleroses · 21/05/2013 17:45

Wouldn't worry too much about it not being new for him - every parent with two children will tell you their second was just as special as the first.

And really do think men take longer than women to get to grips with a pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my first (my ex's first too) my ex would do things that seemed to suggest he'd forgotten there'd be a baby next year. When he came along to the 12 week scan he looked really quite shocked and said "there really is a baby there isn't there?"!!! It's just so much more real to you when you're the one who's pregnant. He'll catch up :)

NicknameIncomplete · 21/05/2013 17:56

Maybe he has put it to the back of his mind because of the miscarriage. He might not want to think about it incase (hopefully not) it happens again.

You are only 8 weeks u still have a looonnnnnnnggggg way to go.

Have u spoken to him about it?

Frikadellen · 21/05/2013 19:41

Op when I was expecting our pfb (for both of us) dh didnt get excited until he could actually feel the baby move.

Perhaps your dh is like that?

piprabbit · 21/05/2013 19:52

I can completely remember thoughts of my pregnancy occupying almost every waking moment, especially after my MCs.
Now my DC's are at the forefront of my mind most of the time.

I suspect that the pregnancy doesn't seem quite real to your DP yet. His DD is at the forefront of his mind and rightly so. He has been clumsy and a little thoughtless to you, but I don't think this indicates that you and the new baby aren't massively important to him. It is just that the new baby remains for him a hope and a dream, while his DD is reality. Things will adjust as your pregnancy progresses.

YouMaySayImADreamer · 21/05/2013 19:53

Op i know exactly how you feel about it not being his first born and even started writing a post before asking you if thats how you might be feeling!! I used to always ask dp when i was pregnant whether he was excited and whether he felt the same as with his exisiting dc. He didnt seem anywhere near as excited as me or even as excited as he had been when we used to talk hypothetically about having a baby.

He said that it just wasnt real for him yet and probably wouldnt be until the baby arrived, just as it hadnt with dc1. He did admit that he couldnt imagine loving another baby as much as his first BUT i have heard sooo many parents say this about their second dc and of course they do love them the same! Also, i caught my dp with tears in his eyes at my 20 week scan and of course he was excited and loved our ds to bits once he arrived and it was real. I just think it is more real for us women whether our dps have existing children or not!

Also, before i was pregnant, i thought id be elated and excited for the whole time i was pregnant and that id think about it not stop! But even i "forgot" about it for periods of time as the news sank it and as i was busy thinking about other things day to day, and that was even when i had a huge bump. So imagine for the men who arent carrying it! Honestly in my experience it will fall into place, dont worry!

Also i agree with theredhen that some guilt is coming into play on his part. I used to have very similar feelings and conversations with dp over his dss. He used to treat dss who is now 8 (so at times obviously younger) as a third adult in our relationship. Hed consult him and let him overrule us both on "adult" decisions such as what time to eat or go to bed, or watch on the only tv in the house. He'd keep him up with us until as late as 11pm when he stayed over, or even midnight every night when we were on holiday so that we got absolutely no adult time together - it was as though we werent allowed any time to ourselves. He even once retorted "this is dss's holiday, not ours" (it was our only holiday/time off work that year). It used to drive me mad, but he didnt even realise he was doing it and admitted when challenged that it was guilt. So there may be a bit of this going on, not that he doesnt want to do nice things with you on your own too - in his head he probably sees you on your own all the time and just wants to do special things as a family.

EvilEdna2909 · 21/05/2013 23:03

Op I felt the same as you as my dp already has a dd and ds so I thought I can't give him anything different and it won't be his first boy first girl so I thought he wwouldn't be excited or as bothered but I truly think I was being daft. He never loved his kids' mam and boty kids were traps by her. He seems them once a week so I know when we have a kid of our own it'll special and different and I honestly think you'll realise that when hes holding your baby :-)

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