Ups and downs - birthday week.

[MsColour]

Last week was both my own son's birthday (4) and my OH's son's birthday (7). Found myself experiencing some emotions I hadn't really been prepared for.

Me and OH are planning on moving in together in the summer so we are currently trying to forge a family unit. Our relationships with our exes are at total opposite ends of the spectrum. Me and my ex can't bear to be in the same room as each other. He took me to court earlier in the year to try and get 50:50 and lost. His contact is set out in the court order. My OH and his ex have an amicable relationship with a flexible 50:50 arrangement but his ex generally calls the shots.

So my son's birthday, I had to work unfortunately but was able to get away early and my OH and his son came over to join us for tea. All felt good. OH's son's birthday OH, his son and OH's ex went bowling. Was managing to be grown up about this and telling myself that it's what separated parents ought to be able to do for their child once a year and then his ex posted about it on fb and tagged him in and then I got all upset about it (irrationally, I know). I hadn't really expected to get so upset about not seeing OH's son on his birthday. Also reinforces the pain of not being able to do this for my own children.

Had a day out for both boys' birthdays on Saturday which was lovely. Then on Sunday, it was my son's birthday but OH's son had to go back to his mum's for a family gathering and couldn't stay and be part of my son's birthday party. My children also couldn't go to OH's son's birthday party the previous weekend as it was their contact with their dad.

We've had some great "family" time this week but it has also highlighted some of the situations we are going to have to encounter in the future. Lots of compromises and having to deal with emotions involved with sharing these children with the other parents.

As your kids are quite young it's understandable you feel hurt for them regarding the particular day.
Dh and I both made a serious effort to establish our own 'house rules' regarding any celebration. We simply pick a day around birthday, Xmas etc were everybody concerned is definitely going to be there and party then!
It's a lesson in swallowing pride, but ultimately the kids see the value of being flexible and tolerant and now the dc are nearly all teens and still look forward to our special 'kiddie' days, arranged just for them.

Sympathies - birthdays are neither easy or fair in complicated families. I spent last Saturday helping out at DSD's birthday - which was a huge big affair organised jointly with a friend of hers and held at the friend's enormous mansion of a house with swimming pool in the garden! My DCs weren't there because it was their weekend to be at their dad's. But they'd have loved it and I was sad for them to be missing it.

Most of DSC's birthdays have been organised by their mum in the past, and she never invites my DCs. Whereas DSC (who come every weekend unless by special arrangement) have been to all of my DC's parties for the last 2 or 3 years.

We do do like you've done, and the poster above too, and have our own family celebration with cake, but they're still aware of the parties.

I do not think that DP should still be going out with his ex and their son for birthday outings (and you not being included)if he is in a serious relationship with you.

Fantaforever, my OH's ex has agreed that from next year, me and the kids will come along too on his birthday. But even if this wasn't the case, I wouldn't want to get in the way of this. It is one day a year, they have managed to do this for their son once a year on his birthday since they split, I don't see why either OH or his son should miss out on this just because now he is in a relationship with me. If it was more than once a year I would be objecting.
The fact that my OH shares a son with someone else will always hurt. But so do I so we just have to deal with it.

I think you're right to let them spend one day a year together. If things are really amicable in the future, there's no reason you and your DS couldn't join them too.

It is just a minefield of things to work out though - and sounds like you're just in the process of adjusting to the reality that you're never going to have a nice simple nuclear family.

My DSS see his mum every other wknd and my DP has to spend that time with her as she is not allowed access alone.

It used to bother me a bit, i know exacltly where you are coming from.

DSS birthday every year is a day out with mummy and daddy. I don't get see him, but used to that.

This year was different , where he wanted to go wasn't open on his birthday and so they went a few days before. On his birthday (At DSS's request), DP,me, his gran and my DC went bowling. I loved it, but was concious that his mum didn't actually see him on his birthday. Ideally she should have come too, but as she verbally attacked me the week before i didn't want her to.

Moving forward we need to sort something out. DSS had basically 3 birthdays this year, its maddness.
We will have to all do something together next year, its just too much money otherwise.

I think you just have to work around these things as best you can. Not all situations are the same my exDP takes my childeren out for dinner the day after their birthdays, it works for us, and he has never wanted more.

I agee that if you all get on well maybe in the future it could be all of you that go out together on DSS birthday, if its not possible though, i think you should allow them to have that time if DSS wants it.

It is typical in our lives that either my DS spends his Bday with either me or his dad (very rarely split time and we would never do a forced group outing as it would probably end in WW3 and that is not the way I want my DS to have his Bday). The first few times I didn't see him on his bday it felt very odd but he is now nearly 14 and me and ex split when he was 2.

My DSC usually either wake up with mom on bday mornings and come to ours later or vice versa.

There is exactly a week between youngest DSS and DS bday and exactly 3 weeks between DS and DSD bday so we usually do something in between that is more of a communal celebration.

Christmas is always a bit different I always have DS on Christmas Day and he does Christmas at his dads on Boxing Day and we always have DSC Boxing Day and have never had them on Christmas Day.

As it has always been the norm for us nobody ever questions bdays and I think the kids would find it a bit weird if we had to all be together for the day - not sure they would know who to revert to - if when older they asked then maybe a meal or something would be fine.

Christmas is starting to get a bit difficult as they are starting to question why they don't see each other.

TBF they are at the age where they love that they get two lots of bday celebrations and Christmases and we do skype each other. Not sure if it is easier because we have EW access so never really much time in between seeing them?

I've always spent some time with ExP on kids birthdays/xmas etc.

I totally plan on including ex's girlfriend in these treats as and when exP and her would like.

Its a real amicable arrangement and no skin off my nose at all.

I have a friend though whose partner spends high days and holidays with his ex of 10 years and the ex will not 'allow' my friend or their ds at these meals/events.

Its perfectly clear to all and sundry though that she is a highly strung woman used to getting her own way; and more importantly she seems to still harbour feeling for my friends partner but dresses it up as 'family' time.

My point is, a pair of genuinely friendly ex's would want to include the new significant others in these events and you shouldn't feel as though you are stepping on toes if invited