Stepchildren, the Ex from hell and being the OW!

[ticktocktammy]

The history: Me and DP been together nearly 3 years. He left her after years of conflict and family problems; she asked for divorce and he asked me for relationship, both said yes but now branded as OW; very bitter divorce followed in which she branded him the adulterer and sole cause of marriage breakdown...
some details to give you a flavour for JUST HOW BITTER: she refused to leave house for over a year; came to my house repeatedly and physically attacked my 8 year old son twice and was arrested; threatened DP with a knife repeatedly in front of their children at their home; made police allegation of abuse including coaching her 14 year old daughter and her 12 year old son for 3 months to say they had been abused by DP and me; social services called to supervise her by police but refused to allow her daughter to have counselling as DP ?the problem?; stripped house of all furniture, all childrens photos and possessions in breach of settlement; refused to agree mediated contact arrangements; refused to give childrens new home and telephone numbers to their dad ; refused to allow children to see their dad and had to get court order; still prevents them seeing 84 old grandma; spread malicious gossip in neighbourhood and screaming matches at our childrens schools about me and DP and so bad I changed my sons school ... and more, but you get the idea.
Now DPs daughter (16 years old) is not in contact and refuses to see her father; DPs 13 year old son now comes every week and they have a calm and happy time but its 3 hours with a ?check point charlie? handover in a car park in which, until I wrote a letter to DP ExW threatening to call police, involved her screaming abuse while holding the DPs door open. The whole thing is a big mess and the children are very messed up. The daughter is incredibly hostile towards both me and DP and although some thought she would mellow and accept the situation she had not at all.
So I need advice as DP putting me under pressure to meet his DS and his son seems to be open to it. Part of me thinks, ?be the adult?, nurture that poor kid and that this has to happen if DP and are going to stay together and be happy. But frankly I don?t want to meet either of his kids and don?t want my son to meet children with these kinds of emotional problems either. A good time to meet them for me would be never! Advice to get me out of this bad spot please!

I think there's no harm in meeting if this is indeed what DSS wants and he isn't being talked into it by your DP.

It doesn't have to be a big thing - maybe just lunch or something easy going at first.
I would be worried that this would inflame things with the ex even more if (when?) she found out.

A number of issues. I feel quite angry and distrustful of dds. I know he was 12 and put up to it by his mum, but he did support his mum in making allegations. I feel when I am in that space its better not to meet him but then how do things improve? Also not sure if he been lend on by dp. Dp is very keen to reform his family plus he's bribing him s I have a holiday home etc etc. And he suggested to ds not to tell his mother. Obvious why but I wonder if this puts dss in bad position.

I'm confused - if you've not yet met his DS, why were you in the carpark witnessing his mum screaming at your DP?

I can well see why you want nothing to do with his ex - and it's clearly best all round if you stay well out of her way. But it's not her DS's fault, and can't really see why you're resisting meeting him if you see a long term future in the relationship. You could meet him on your own first, without dragging your DS straight into it. And just because he's been through a rough time with his mum doesn't mean he's be any kind of risk to have around your DS.

But if you're not sure that there is a long term future together, then I guess being asked to meet his DS may make you uncomfortable.

Cross posts - yes I think your DP would put is DS in a very unfair position by telling him not to tell his mum he's met you.

You're saying you're cross at this boy because he lied when his mum pressured him to, but you're suggesting that your DP may do exactly the same and ask him to lie to his mum about meeting you!

Re car park I was not there. But of course dp comes back very fraught and upset so I hear about it. That seems to have finished as she's afraid of police again. Also I think asking a child to lie about being abused to police is differwnt from asking not to tell his mum he met me... Dp is says to dss, don't tell don't ask,and just to not say anythiing. He's careful not to ask about his ex etc. Do othe sps think this is ok approach?

Hi Op, Sounds like your DH ex is a bit like my mother was. Though my father never embarked on another relationship after their split for a good few years - owing to a complete mental breakdown.

From a child's point of view, if you're mother is acting like this you are going to have a lot of emotional problems, and you aren't going to know who to trust, and I think that goes for every relationship in life from friends/family/partners. I would hazard a guess that the ex issues threats to the children if they even dare to speak to or see their father. Takes a strong child to tell mum to s*d off. For sister and I it was when we became teenagers.

I think your DSD has probably been brainwashed into believing you and her father are the devil incarnate for having this 'affair'. I say that as how DSD probably perceives it and not how I perceive it.

If DSS wants to meet you and you are prepared for any fall out in advance maybe do meet him, somewhere neutral - briefly. Don't include your DS just yet.

Don't encourage lying though. DSS may have worked out for himself what to tell his mum and what not to tell his mum in order to keep the peace.

Also any other sps who have had this hostile start, how did you handle it (and does it get better)?

I'm a bit confused. Did contact stop for a while as you say you we're accused of abusing him and now there is a suggestion you meet? So this would be renewing your contact?
I think you need to clarify things your dp tells you have happened and things you have had happen to you as your op is a bit confusing.
I think the only way through this stuff (having been both sides) is to be the calm mature rational one doing the right thing. Eg it is not right to meet dss behind his mothers back, so that won't happen. Etc.

No accuisations were dismissed immediately by police and then they contacted social workers to intervene with the ex wifes behaviour. Police were very level headed and could see it for the bs it was. Then at court ex w tried again and the police reports on her attacks on me And my ds were presented. Sorry if confusing but don't want to make too long as otherwise nobogy reads it! Contact order was issued as dss told cafcass he wanted to see his dad despite pressure from his mum but took a few months for court order to be issued and meantime she stopped him coming. Anyway mpre on how this feels foe dss is useful as I need to see this from his side. But don't agree ex w should be told or agree as she never will and that perpetuates things never being normal family life for dss...

Ok, it makes sense now. I don't know, could it be in a casual come round the house and you are there way?

OP, dh ex was far more subtle in her reign of terror over dc and dh.
And I literally cried tears of frustration for years until dc AND dh grew up and stood up to her. Of course I could have detached in theory, but as I had met dc early on I could not help feel for them.
3 years on and ds has decided its fairer to spend half his time with dh, his mum was unhappy and tried all sorts of incredibly obvious and expensive bribery to keep him (and maintenance ...sorry, not nice comment, but true in our case). Dds is living with gps atm and does not want to move back home. She totally sided with mum after split (although mum was at fault) and now I think she feels her bridges have been burnt regarding dh and me.
Tbh life would be easier if she never got the notion to join us, but having been in her life for so,long now, I can't help putting their chance of a normal,life over my convenience.
Is this what you're really dreading OP, becoming too involved if you meet them? Good luck either way.

yes "reign of terror" is a good description! Its very hard too to see my DP as its so hurtful for him too and he misses his children. Their mother was determined to destroy their relationship with their dad and sadly she has succeeded. I find it hard to understand how someone can do that to their kids just to get revenge.
I guess too I do dread getting in too far and getting overwhelmed with his DCs problems. I also don't want my son to live in such a toxic family environment. Its easier to remain detached and just push them out but it also seems a bit selfish and somehow a denial and its not what my DP wants. Sometimes I think I should let him go to find someone new who would be more acceptable for them but we are very close and hes my happiness and support in my life.
And yes DSD has been incredibly vicious towards DP and sided with her mother totally. Its very "parental alienation syndrome".
Well this is very helpful for me to hear your experiences and know we are not the only ones in this situation. keep your thoughts and experiences coming.

nerfmum: thanks for your suggestion. we had also thought of this although its a bit of a "trick" but might make the initial meeting easier and hope once the ice has been broken he realise I don't have horns and things are fine. however he was round DPs house (I vacate it for his visits) and my aunt (a cuddly 70 year old lady) who was staying for the long weekend came back unexpectedly. He had what I can only describe as a panic attack and locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out claiming it was a "plot" by texts. after about an hour he came out and spoke with her and calmed down. but it made me worry about how fragile and on the edge of a breakdown he might be. hes only 13 but likes to act the much older big rugby player macho type and refuses to speak at all about the divorce (unfortunately a bit like his dad... emotional communication is not exactly part of this familys patterns!) but beforethe divorce he had very disturbed behaviour including aggression and hyperactivity.
we are planning to live together soon but this is a problem as if I am living there I don't think its reasonable to expect me and DS to vacate our home whenever he comes over....

There are a number of issues here. Unfortunately, if you chose to continue your relationship with this man, you will be linked with the ex forever. It may calm down slightly but it also may not. It will be stressful and uncomfortable and all you can do is remain as calm, reasonable and rational as possible.

I think you should meet DS. Probably something low key, but perhaps a neutral location? If you are to be part of dp's life, you will have to be part of his children's, too.

You absolutely cannot expect ds to keep meeting you a secret. We have issues with dsd's mother asking her to keep secrets and it has caused her so much distress. With a parent like ds's mother seems, what he needs is clear, reliable, responsible adults. Asking him to keep secrets is not being this, although I can understand why you would think of it to keep the peace in the short term.

My advice is just to stay calm, be pleasant at all times, be reasonable and reliable and just keep smiling. I fear you are in for a bumpy road but it will be worth it eventually!!

I really feel for you: blended families are really hard at times. I am now in a happy position of good relationships with my steppies ( adults) and can only think that those adults at the time who kept calm and reasonable are the ones happy now. Not easy but if you act reasonably and kindly no one has anything bad to remember.

Why don't you ask your son id she can use his room for the week, he can sleep in little DDs room and the problem with long lie ins is solved.
None of the issurs that you describe sound insurmountable and I think you risk making her feel even more unwelcome by making an issue. At 15 my parents were lucky to get the odd hrunt and demand for a lift from me and I turned out ok ish. My sister was an angel and there is no way that the same rules applied to both of us.