Financing stepkids. What to do???

[LipGlossDontShine]

DP has 2 kids. Both I have helped, shown love & affection for since i met them (11yrs ago) & assisted with finance when / where I could. They have never wanted for anything and whatever we could give, we did.
Both now 17 and 21. Youngest lived with us for 4yrs & eldest stayed with the X being financed by us. Youngest now finishing A levels bak at the X's.
Now I'm a new Mum, on less money than ever; DP is retired and on basic pension and they are still demanding money from us to fund Uni or their lifestyle. Any money given has been blown on drink / bands / designer labels / holidays etc.
The eldest won't work at weekends to fund h/self as that's 'time for going out and they are entitled to fun'. The younger one is still being financed by us until 18.We voluntarily increased funds to the X (Not via Court Order) for the 17yr old for 8 months, but due to financial crisis (!) with our new DD arrival, we've had to revert to the original agreement (not less, just what it should have been). We've tried to be reasonable and now labelled as 'mean' and 'uncaring' and the X threatening to take us to Court again.
Some1 told us we'd be entitled to ask for a reduction in payment if anything due to the newborn. Is that right??
DP loves his kids vy much, but it seems to be getting out of hand. Your views? Are we horrid?

Do you know what the original court order said when they divorced? For example, it might have said that your dh pay for the children until they reach 16 or finish full-time education, whichever is the later. Or it might have said until they reach 18.

Also, have there been any further orders increasing the amount to be paid?

If dealing through the CSA, certainly the amount your dh has to pay is reduced if he becomes responsible for another child.

He has no responsibility (other than perhaps a moral one) to fund the elder through university unless he is able to do so.

I don't think you are horrid, but it's always a shock to find one's finances worse off and they seem to be reacting to that.

Arguments about money are often really displaced arguments about other things, and I think that is especially true in stepfamilies.

What your s'daughters are probably really angry about is the fact that you have had a baby and it means there's less of everything to go round - attention, affection, money.

You need to explain to them honestly about the financial situation, and make your committments to them clear.

For exapmle, if you can afford it, can you give the eldest a monthly allowance, however small? Let her decide how to spend it (it's not up to you to say how), but make sure she understands once it's gone, there is no more in the pot.

You could even consider doing teh same with teh younger one?

DH was paying his maintenance directly to sds & sdd from their 16th birhtdays until he stopped paying.

Court Order was to pay until they reach 18yrs, no other Orders have been made. We gave the eldest an allowance that has all been spent. We've tried talking and supporting. I think there is an element of emotional jelousy / anger etc I wonder if they are both seeing love at a price. Feel like we're in a no-win situation until they cool down.

the one at uni is lucky to still being funded by their dad - they don't have too, DH's dad had been supporting him when he was at uni but when he fell ill he stopped, he also then stopped paying fro DH's sister when she reached 18. He claimed he couldn't afford it but but it wasn't true more his new wife didn't like the arrangement. Dh's mum tried to fight it but to no avail once there 18 or leave secondary school you don't have to pay.

So if she decided to fight it throught the CSA thn she aint got a leg to stand on

It's a complete emotional rollercoaster you know! I've never been SO STRESSED. I feel really sad for my dh as he loves our newborn so very much and would love to share his joy (as would I) with both his other kids.

Sometimes, I wish we could win the Lottery to just pay and keep them happy. It's not intentional to not help them out. Now they are so rude to dh that I find it hard to remain calm and supportive of them which is so alien to me as I loved them both as my own.

I think this is really a relevant question for kids regardless of the family situation. They can only have something from the pot in as far as it is there to be had and if they are old enough then they should be earning themselves.

Maybe by not having an endless pocket, in the long run you'll be doing them a favour. All kids - whatever their family situation - need to learn the value of money, and sometimes by being generous, we all make it harder for them.

They also need to respect what you have done, and the situation they are now in, and basically grow up.

I do feel for you and your dh though - especially as you have given so much willingly for so long.
Enjoy your dd, and give them time to mature, and hopefully understand the situation you're now in.

I agree with Zippi ..... irrelevant of the family situation, there is only so much money to go round. End of. Your DH is paying what he should as defined by the CO, past experience has shown that when he was able to do so, he actually increased this sum for as long as it was sustainable, plus he gave the eldest an allowance.

He is on a pension FFS !

Sorry - if these kids refuse to help themselves by working then they have no right to moan and pressurise their dad. It's ridiculous to say that weekends are for going out and having fun. Whatever happened to working during the day, and going out at night ..... or working weekday evenings ..... or going out and having fun on a weekday ? Any ex student knows that you are not committed to study each and every day during the week ..... there's generally lots of "spare time" slots between lectures, not all of which are taken up with reading etc. and when I studied, I had at least 1 whole clear day each year of the course.

It's a sad fact of life that many parents cannot afford to fund their kids through Uni .... I have a 16 yr old (+ 2 younger skids) and a toddler, and I worry terribly about my oldest because I know I won't be able to help him. I hate the thought of him starting life with a load of debt but that will be his choice if he decides to go to Uni, minimised hopefully by any p/t work he can pick up. There are thousands of families in exactly the same situation you describe ...... very rarely is it the case that parents refuse to help their student kids through petty spite or meanness ..... most of them are eaten up with "guilt" at being unable to do so, since fees were introduced and grants withdrawn.

It's very simplistic - and, IMO, very immature to "blame" the new baby for the lack of funds from dad. These kids are quite capable of helping themselves and on the cusp of adulthood, (though I disagree with the withdrawal of govt funding for higher education) I don't actually think that learning independence, learning how to budget and finding out that you don't always get what you want is such a bad thing.

I know it's easy to say but I think you and your DH have to stop feeling guilty. It's clear from what you've written that you do care very much and I'm sure that were you to have a bit of good fortune, you'd use it to help his kids. If so .... then you have nothing to reproach yourselves for.

Thanks for the comments. I'll let DH know what you've said. It's going to be a tough few months I can see, but having DH and baby is so wonderful. Little 'uns smile makes me melt. I just wish they could share it.

Out of curiousity, at what age did everyone on here stop being given pocket money form their parents??

For me I'd say at about 17 when I got a job, my parents still paid for books and clothes and stuff, untill I left uni and got a proper job.....

Just wondered, as the eldest child is 21 and tbh I can't think how anyone would be ordered to pay child support to a 21 year old....

My parents paid me an allowance when I was at uni. It probably made up about 1/4 of my overall expenses.

I also got a small grant (those were the days, eh!) and took out a loan in my 3rd & 4th years.

I also worked each holiday and during term time when I was in the 2nd year.

DH would have supported his children as much as we could afford if they had chosen to go to college or uni, but it would not have precluded them having to take loans or get part time jobs too.

We will expect to support Ds as much as we can if he chooses to go, too.

The figures given for parental contribution only allow £75 pa for each other child under 18, which has stood since I went to college (in 1969 ). It is patently ludicrous and pisses me off hugely.

When DD1 started uni we had 3 other children at home, average income, relatively large mortgage and small pension contributions, and we were still expected to contribute over £20 a week which we just couldn't spare

Tell them if they want extra cash they'll have to work for it, LGDS.

I agree with the idea of a monthly allowance adn then letting them get on with their lives. I'm quite shocked that they don;t want to be independent. having your own money - that you've earned is a real thrill and an important first stage in growing up. I got my first job at 14 and after that the only financial support I got from my mum was a roof over my head and food on the table.

SS lives with us. His mother gives us money through the CSA although she has only paid for 5 years out of the 13 yrs DH was a single parent. She belives this is enough and does not believe that she should support her son financially in away. She always pleads destitution though she and new hubby have been to Oz and spain this year and are renovating the house. We incidentially have not had a holiday since iur honeymoon. The tables may weel be turned just shortly as ss wishes to live with her, she is very unwilling stating 'financial issues' as one of the problems.

I think you and your husband have been fair in your continuing support both finacially and other. It does seem that jealouy all round seems to be at work. Please do not let it spoil the precious time you have with you baby. :)

I never got pocket-money and any money I earned from 14yrs to the time I left home was expected to be given to my parents as we were brassic.
I have gone on to get qualified at evening classes and internal courses at work.
The idea of children demanding money from parents is awful! I would never have dreamed of it. I think of all the sacrifices that my parents (and probably every parent) made from the day I was born to the day I left home- I'd probably be in millions of £'s worth of debt in gratitude for their selflessness, love and devotion. Money don't grow on trees!

I think your being completely resonable. I have a step daughter aged 3 and we pay over £80 a month for her and we have her for 4 nights a week, which makes it difficult for us as we then have little money left to do thing with her when we have her, we try to go out as much as possible as a family and she has her own wardrobe here with lots of clothes and toys and i feel we pay too much sometimes as we have her for more than half the week and feel why should her mother get this money when the care is more than 50/50 with us. I understand it's difficult being a single mum but i see no evidence that she buys our SD anything productive with the money she turns up in dirty old clothes, wich at times are too small (size 18 months old and she is 3yrs old) and has no new toys untill xmas or birthdays. It makes me angry to know that her mum goes out every weekend clubbing when my SD has nothing bought for her. She recieves freee child care and council and housing benefit pay for her flat.

I am a 20 year old at uni and my mum and dad are split up too. i recieve £100 a month from my dad to help me out, which is all he can afford so thats fine. My mum also gives me the same amount to help me out. I work during the holidays, but can't during weekends due to having a 3 yr old step daughter. I have worked since i was 14 and have never recieved pocket money or an allowance untill now, due to living on just my partners income untill i finish university. Money is the root of all evil isn't it! lol but god knows we'd all love to have more of it!!

You poor thing. It shouldn't be your problem at all. You have your new baby to think about.
The problem is the chance in circumstances and his retirement. The older children probably never expected that to happen which isn't their fault either nor that they have a new sibling. Difficult all round.
I am supporting 3 children at university or will be if the 3rd has passed his A levels and I am lucky to be able to do but a lot of parents don't and many aren't able to which makes it unfair on students too because they don't have that similarity of income/need to work etc. But you can't make money appear from nowhere.

I believe children at university have a legal right in their own name to apply to the father (or mother if they don't live with the mother) for support. The court look at his income etc in assessing what is payable if anything and it's an anomaly as children whose parents live together have not obligation to support children at university. Can't between you, the father and the mother you all take on some more work just to pay some of the costs and divide it up that way (obviously share the child care too)