Dealing with step children in terms of your own emotions?

[TentativeWhistleBlower]

I love my DSD, I am so happy she is in my life an I care about her so much. She gets on really well with me, on all sides, e.g will come for cuddles, playing and other fun things, but also trusts me on a more practical side of things eg telling her off, helping with night time toilet trips etc. all in all, I feel like a parent.

So on a totally selfish level it hurts when I think about the fact that I'm not. I'm not her mum, I never will be. Is this normal or am I over stepping a line? Obviously I don't try to pretend to be her mum, because we both know I'm not, but I do wish I was.

I'm not sure how you deal with that, from my own side I love my stepchildren, I do my best for them and we are a family who are together but I'm not there mum and i don't long to be. they have their mum and rightly so. I think you just need to look at it that your doing the best for her you can and she is lucky to have so many adults who want to care for her and improve her life

I have the same sort of relationship with my DSD, and I have the feeling like I would never change her or wish she was different, I just wish me and my DH had her together instead of with his ex . But I always respect the boundaries of the fact I'm not her mum and she has a mum who she loves very much. It is hard though because she's lovely

You are lucky to have such a great relationship with her, you must keep this feeling in perspective. There is a place for you in her life as a stepmum but her mum will always be Mum.
You aren't wrong to feel like that but you would be very wrong to let anyone know about it.
I feel close to my DSD because I only have sons and would have loved a DD. When she is with us I do all the 'mummy' type things with her (eg I help her wash her hair then dry it for her) and we have girly shopping trips and stuff but I'm always happy to hand her back. There is only so much girly chatter I can take and she can be a bit full on!!

IME, your feelings are normal. I've had similar feelings about my DSD.

I think seeing my DSD with her mum a few times - even just briefly - helped me accept that I would never be able to fill that role completely, though. DSD is just different with her mother - hard to explain how, but she is. And her mother understands DSD in a way that DH and I never will, because there is a part of her mum in there.

It sounds sad to say all that, but accepting this was actually good for both of us. It allowed DSD and me to build a relationship more on our own terms, rather than trying to rehash mother-daughter ones, and it's therefore allowed us to remain close. I think acceptance also gave me a break on the days I feel out of my depth with kid-raising -- ie, I don't have to be Supermom, two other people in DSD's life have a four-year bond with her that I don't, I just have to be a responsible adult.

I don't really have any advice, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone, I feel exactly the same way and it has been really, really hard for me over the years. It has made me irrationally angry because DSD's mum is not a mother to her at all in my opinion and I really hate the fact that the biology will always, always trump the day to day love and care.

The bottom line is, DSD adores her mum. Her loyalty to her despite everything is unconditional and nothing will change that. I have learnt to accept that whilst DSD and I have a very close relationship, I can provide the care and love and be involved in the parenting, but she will always have a mother, even if she is not there day to day, and that will never change for DSD. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me, it is just different.

I know some would absolutely slate us for feeling that we wish they were biologically ours, but I think you would have a heart of stone not to feel it to some degree. The important thing is to keep it to yourself so that it doesn't confuse the children. Good luck