To those holding out till DSC fly the nest, a cautionary tale

[Mindyourownbusiness]

of my BH weekend.
l had a nightmare six or seven years of two teenage/young adult SSs living with us full time - usual crap - Disney Dad, = two very rude disrespectful young men ruling our home. Wont bore as you are all familiar with my all too common story.

But then they 'grew up' and left home (couple of years ago) and l had dreamt endlessly of how 'blissful' it would be when they did, just me and DH. That was the only thing that kept me going tbh.
Anyway this was my much looked forward to BH weekend and some quality time with DH.

Saturday morning we had to go shopping so l suggested we call in (it's en route) to DSS2, his DW and 3DCs as they usually visit us every weekend so DH can obviously see his grandchildren - fair enough - l am very fond of them too. So we visited them on way back from shopping and stayed a couple of hours, all very nice and everyones happy so far and l'm thinking that's one box ticked l must admit . Then DSS announced 'We were going to come and see you though tomorrow' to which DH said 'Well we're both going out tomorrow (we were, but separately with respective friends) so we thought we'd come and see you for a change'.

So Sunday l went out with my friend for most of day but DH cancelled his and rang DSS2 to say so (am pretty sure he only cancelled so DSS2 could visit after all tbh) - so he could come round with DGCs after all if he wished. No skin off my nose as l'm out with friend.
DSS apparently said yes he probably would (he knew l was out for day btw) but later phoned to say he couldn't be bothered and he would 'pop round' tomorrow. DH said he and l might be going out tomorrow (again true) so ring first.

So Monday comes and DH asks me what l want to do. Lovely day here so thought would like to go a walk, get some lunch etc, make a day of it. But l was doing something on my laptop that needed concentration so l said hang on a sec. Meanwhile DHs phone rang. So after call l responded to DHs question with my idea for the day as above.
DH looked slightly flummoxed so l said 'What's up, who was that?' and he said was DSS2 and he was coming round with DCs in about half an hour but had said 'was only staying for half an hour' . I expressed my annoyance at him for not waiting till l had answered before inviting them and he just said that they'd only be here for half an hour and then we could go out. So l was fine ,fair enough.
So nearly an hour goes by before they arrive (on bikes) and DSS2 announces on coming in that they can only stay half an hour as he had to get kids (and their bikes obv) home by 12ish as his ex was picking up her DD ( DSSs eldest ) later from his. So about half an hour later DSS2 asks if DGCs can have some sandwiches and have lunch here (?) DH makes them sandwiches and another half hour or so passes whilst they fanny around throwing their food around and then DSS2 realising he's behind schedule join the club! announces (note not asks) that he'll ring his ex and ask her to now pick their DChild up here at ours as he wont have time to all cycle back to his.
He rings her and she says ok, she'll be here soon. DSS2 then 'announces' (again not 'asks'!) that he is going to leave all their bikes in our garden and ring his current partner to pick him and remaining 2 DCs up when his DC1s mother has been and gone and collected DC1.
So we are all waiting for DSS2s ex to arrive and collect DC1 and she is nearly an hour DSS2 has been made aware earlier on that we are going out for day when they've gone btw.
DC1s mother arrives and collects her DC and so then DSS2 rings his DP and asks her to come and collect them ( he now has a spare bike DC1s obv. so they cant cycle) She is another half hour at least and it's now around 2pm.
As they are finally leaving DSS2 again 'announces' he doesn't want to scratch DPs car so he will call round again later in his car with bike rack and get two of the bikes and then come back again and get the other two.
So that's two more visits ffs and would mean we would have to come back early from our 'day out' (if we ever manage to go on it that is !!) . At this point l am afraid l lost patience and muttered something about 'oh don't worry, we don't want a life' and stomped upstairs.

So those of you that think you'll be throwing each other round the house soon once they've flown the nest, sorry to be the voice of doom.

If l didn't laugh l'd cry.

It?s such a sensitised and prickly subject, that unless I deploy special tactics, it will have dissolved into a row by the second sentence.

yep! Sometimes I worry that DH is incapable of having a 'normal' conversation about two of the three kids. And because he is so focused on doing PR work for them - only noting when they've done something well, omitting any mention of problems he's had with them, over-exaggerating their achievements and refusing to deal with the areas where they need some redirection - it automatically puts me in the position of 'bad cop'.

Yes and does anyone else get the rose tinted memory goggles.

Example:

(DSS1 is a pathological liar btw)

Me: (on hearing DSS1 bullshitting his dad about why his car isn't taxed nearly a month after it's due) It is weird the DVLA would send out a last chance reminder three weeks after DSS1 is saying (after his dad noticing his expired tax disc) he did it online and it has come out of his bank.

DH: If he says that's what happened, then yes, he wouldn't lie to me !

Me: Well why do you think he wouldn't open the letter in his car then (he was saying it must be the tax disc and he'd just forgotten to open it and display it yet). His dad kept saying well get it bloody opened and displayed then before you get fined for non display. DSS1 was like 'oh er, well er, l'll do it when l get home' . Then when his dad wore him down to open it, it was a last chance reminder to renew his tax or Sorn it.

DH: My son doesn't tell lies, ok

Me: Right Ok !

Meanwhile back in the real world his son lied about ringing the insurance company and checking he was insured to drive his dads car and then when he got points and a fine for driving without insurance he lied about paying it and just kept saying he'd appealed or he'd paid some of it and blah blah (he hadn't). Hence court bailiffs came to the house and threatened to take his car away unless he could pay the vastly escalated fine he'd been completely ignoring for months.
DH of course bailed him out.

No course he wouldn't lie to you DH.

I only weighed in on that subject cos l know what's gonna happen here and it will involve DH bailing him out again and DSS1 stalling and stalling about paying him back and then (he's got form for this) just absolutely deny that he owes nearly as much as he does and adamantly insist he's paid amounts back that he hasn't.

That's when DHs poor and rose tinted memory becomes useful to DSS1 because if he is adamant enough and has stalled for long enough DH is never sure and believes him. Done him out of £100s with this technique.

I hate liars too, my old dad used to always say 'Trust a thief over a liar any day' So l know , l know you wise ladies gonna tell me l should butt out and l cant win etc etc but it just so bloody annoys me to listen to him bullshitting his dad. I just have to challenge it every single time.

I've had people on here give me a hard time after telling me that all kids lie and I should just accept it. I even got called a liar myself for claiming my ds doesn't lie. I've always given big consequences for lying even if the original misdemeanour was insignificant and went unpunished.

By allowing kids to lie you are effectively giving them the green light to do it over and over again.

Yes l agree, Redhen and he is now in his twenties and no signs of 'teenage denials/lies' drying up. Going into overdrive if anything.

This all sounds so familiar! I thought it was just me that had problems with older dsc overstepping boundaries- it all seems to be problems with young families and dsc. I assumed everybody else had resolved their issues by the time their dsc were adults.
I have recently posted about issues in my relationship here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1746779-Stalemate-What-now with dh but I think lots of the problems arise due to his disney parenting

Hiya Niknak - you sound like you could be my soulmate

I have posted on your linked thread. Am going out tonight before we get more bloody visitors so will catch you later.

Chin up - you are not alone