Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

[sanityseeker75]

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

Op, you did nothing wrong. The ex was being a bitch and stirring up trouble for no good reason!

You sound like a brilliant and generous SM, and you are doing abreast job with her children, shame she doesn't appreciate what she has in you.

Not abreast. A. Great. Job!

Still struggling to comprehend the nutritionaly difference that some posters seem to believe exists between a roast dinner (say pork and roast potatoes with Yorkshire pudding) and a ham sandwich and packet of crisps - as the ingrediants are almost exactly the same If they're hungry they could have eaten two rounds of sandwiches couldn't they? There's no nutritional value in food being hot!

I agree purple - there is a typically British obsession with 'proper, hot dinners' . You get the same mentality on threads about packed/school lunches - why people can't have two cold meals in one day I genuinely don't know. It's not the temperature of the food that determines whether or not it is a nutritious meal.

OP, I think you are doing a good job for these kids and have been underappreciated on all sides. Do they help you make the roast? If not I would be roping them in now if you do decide to do it... maybe then they can teach their mum! (or dad!)

Re the 'causing people offence', how you split your household tasks is up to you if that's a matter of preference - if you would genuinely rather iron than wash up so that's how you split the jobs, then of course that's OK. But I am assuming that you can do the washing up if needsbe. What bothers me about your domestic set up is your DP's inability to cook. I once became ill unexpectedly and could never have foreseen it, and ended up spending 5 weeks on hospital. Now (hoping not, of course), say something like that happened to you, presumably your DSC would be consigned to McDonalds and café food all weekend every weekend. And while I'm sure they could manage ok on that, their father ought to be capable of doing more for them. I would really want to say that to him in your position.

Has there been any response from the ex to your text about how she can do the roasts now? Will be interesting to see. Quite a few posters have said 'well, go easy on her, maybe she was just stressed and spoke out' etc. IMO, it says a lot about her that she didn't do that for you, and when her kids came home having not had a roast dinner for the first Sunday in years, she didn't think 'That's odd, but as they always usually get well fed, there must be some good reason for it so I'll let it go'. She has shot herself in the foot there.

Really? Ham sarnie and a packet of crisps is nutritionally the same as a roast dinner and as filling????
Are you sure???
I'm not coming round yours for Sunday lunch then

OP - I know this is taking things slightly off-topic, but how come you have the step kids every weekend? Wouldn't alternate weekends be better for you and DH?

Op, we also have the hassle of roasting and showering on a Sunday. My dsc are nearly eight and ten and get back to their mothers home at 7pm, there is no reason why they can't shower then, but no. Showers have be be done slap bang in the middle of Sunday afternoon, straight after a roast lunch.

Although if I received a shitty message like the one you received, I'd advise her that if she contacted me again shed be subject to a restraining order, because I am NOT a fucking servant.

We shower the kids because they get whined at if they come home I showered. We feed them because apparently, she can't, and believes an adequate meal is noodles on toast. But it is Not My Job.

allnew So should a pwc be contacting the nrp on each day they are not fed a hot meal while in the pwc's care?

Or does your rule only apply to duty on behalf of the nrp/nrp partner?'

what a ridiculous comment. Like most PWC, I trust my ex to care for our children appropriately when they are with him. I don't question this. I expect him to provide decent food for our children, to keep them clean, safe and appropriately engaged. I am sure he expects me to do the same and sees no reason to question it either. I see no reason for him to tell me the finer detail and he certainly feels no reason to ask me the finer detail of what goes on in my home.

However, if something has happened prior to me handing them over to my ex, I will of course let him know. Been up late so they might be tired? One of them didn't have breakfast as he was having a tantrum - might be hungry later? I've not been well so they've not eaten anything other than soup and sandwiches for 48 hours? These are issues which may well affect how the children behave or feel or interact with other people when they are with my ex. It is polite to let him know what has been happening. It is right to let him know what has been happening because it may well change how he deals with them that day, what they do, where they go, etc. It is reasonable that he knows so that he is able to respond to the children's needs appropriately.

And I don't expect our children to have to act as go betweens between us. I don't expect them to understand that because they went to bed late last night, they might be grumpy by the afternoon and therefore don't expect them to convey that to their father. I expect, as a co-parent, to be kept informed and to inform. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Are you threatened by parents who are able to communicate effectively for the sake of their children? would you prefer that it was all about falling out and arguing so that you feel 'safe' that the PWC's ex has no interest in her? Is it in your interests to be constantly stressed? If one of my children hasn't eaten anything other than a sandwich in the 24 hours prior to him coming to your house, wouldn't you be cursing me for sending you a hungry child and muttering about 'neglect' and 'abuse'?

Flurp - Ham and roast pork are both made from pigs
Crisps and roast potatoes are both made from potatoes with a little oil and salt.
Yorkshire pudding is made mainly from flour, as is bread.

You might prefer a roast dinner, but you'd live just as healthily from sandwiches. As to which is most filling, well that depends how much you eat surely?

No, I wouldn't curse anyone who looked after my child whilst ill, I would thank them and say I hope they feel better soon

The ex has a bloody cheek.
Different situation but I got blamed for everything with sc and I have taken a step back and refuse to get involved anymore. I have better things to do than be the scapegoat for a jealous exw.

The ex doesn't appreciate what you did for her children. She must know what her exh is capable of making food wise and I'd leave it up to him to make meals for his kids.

With regard to access when he's not around the access is for him to see them not you - if he can't and it doesn't suit you then tell her so.

I am really annoyed on your behalf.

Petal We have EW because court ordered and mom wanted it. Yes EOW would be great as my DS goes to his Dads on that basis so me and DH would get some time alone for me to teach him to cook

Actually momandboys they had eaten more than sandwich in 24 hours. They have in the past come here at 9 on a Sat morning knackered from staying up late and not had any breakfast (so therefore def not eaten in 24 hrs). Ex doesnt inform us of this, they do. DH does not text to question it and neither do I, I just feed them

mumandboys No-one here would dispute that open communication between separated parents is best for the DCs involved, and its abundantly clear that that you have the ideal with your ex - are you oblivious to the fact that most who post here find themselves in less than ideal situations?

If my DP were to tell his ex that DSS had slept badly, not eaten a full meal or been upset after school it would provide her with an excuse to withhold contact. Several SM have posted here about Social Services investigations which have been initiated by the ex using "evidence" of exactly the type of texts/emails you suggest.

Some high conflict couples are actually prohibited, by the terms of court orders, to communicate in the way you describe.

Of course, the majority of SM in those situations know it is not ideal, and many, like myself, recognise that their DP has/is contributing to the ongoing hostilities.

The overwhelming advice given to SM by professionals and experienced SM veterans is 'disengage'. When parents are at war, the Stepparents to often become collateral damage and are advised to stay out if it.

In the case of the OP, the ex wanted to score points against the DCs dad and used the OP to do it. It doesn't matter how the OP chooses to behave, until the parents choose to engage positively, she will continue to get caught in the crossfire.

What strikes me most about this entire thread is that it's a one-off situation.

The DH told the ex he doesn`t question her so she shouldnt question what they are fed here as one off. He was annoyed and hurt on my behalf.

The more I think about it, the more I'm struggling to understand really why it has become such a huge issue, simply for the sake of a one-off incident. There must surely be more to this.

She has every right to question why the kids hadn't eaten a proper meal - I don't accept that a sandwich and crisps equates to a roast dinner, and my DD (12) certainly wouldn't.

OP you have every right to feel unappreciated and hassled and these feelings were magnified by the fact that you weren't well. However, I think your underlying feelings about the way you seem to be taken for granted are a problem you need to resolve with your DH, not the ex.

You say I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner. Well that's fair enough - you need to tell your DH to step up and pull his weight on a Sunday. As you said, he hardly ever needs to work on a Sunday, this was an unusual situation.

There's no need to go on roastie "strike", or refuse to have the kids showered - but you and your DH are entitled to organise your weekends in a way which suits you. I don't think it's reasonable to insist children of that age are delivered back showered - they can easily shower at home, there's plenty of time before bed given their respective ages.

Perhaps you could give more thought to the suggestion that you and DH start to explore with the kids how they would like their weekends to be organised?

At their age, it's probably about time things evolved and became a bit more flexible.

By the sound of it, she's hardly going to start denying contact!

Sorry but I don't believe your DH can't make beans on toast. My 9 year old can make beans on toast. I'm pretty sure you could teach a chimp to make beans on toast.

A grown adult who can't make such a simple meal is either:
A) unsafe to be allowed out alone or
B) lying out of laziness and the knowledge that if he just acts pathetic enough someone will do it for him.

I don't get the showering thing either. People shower and then go about their day right? What is this drama of having to shower children? It's like cleaning your teeth. Just something you do. I keep thinking I am reading a thread about very young children but they are not. Do you think you've all got a bit stuck in routines that worked a while ago and now need to be rethought.

Well, this is just mental isn't it? Why are the kids being "showered" before going back to their mum's? Who has a shower before the conclusion of the days activities??? Surely people shower before bed/ when they wake up. Ridiculous. And as for the dinner I dont really know where to start.

Theyre not babies. It's not like they were handed back in to mummies arms and left to starve because no one communicated that they hadn't been fed ffs. No one has a god given right to a roast dinner and given that the 13 year old is the age they are I wonde how much longer they'll even be around for that. My DSD is 13 and I don;t think she's made a meal time in the last year. She lives off of sandwichs and plated up this and that. She is usually directed to the pasta and a jar of sauce if she has missed the dinner I have prepared and I sure as hell wont be found slaving over a hot stove when ill to provide her with the meal that her mother deems suitable.

What happens if you have a day out, OP? Do you need to make sure you are at home every Sunday in order to prepare this roast?

If you want to get really finikity (sp??) then is her maintenenace pro-rated? If so, why does she expect you to cater for all these needs on a day that she has them in the evening? I would obviously never ever condone such pettiness but seriously - she can't demand this kind of rubbish.

I also agree about leaving their domestic arrangements out of it. If it works for them that she cooks, and he cleans then so be it. I don't think that's the issue at all and if he was there I'm sure he would have made the sandwichs etc.

Poor kids that they can't get back home on a Sunday evening and have a shower/snack when they want one!

The mother is micro managing everyone, including the op. am surprised she's allowed to get away with it.

And furthermore, if I discovered that my ex had gone to work and left my DD's poor stepmum in charge of her I would have asked why she hadn't called me to fetch them and wished her a speedy recovery- not chastised her cooking. Although, my dd is much smaller. Given the ages of the children in the op, if I were their mother I would have asked why they hadnt had the wherewithall to make their own dinner and not make their poor ill stepmother do it.

OP, if it's made you rethink your weekends, then brilliant. But please do drop the language of "I got in trouble." You are a not a child.

And these children were given the choice of soup and toast, which they turned down!

I keep thinking I am reading a thread about very young children, but they are not. Do you think you?ve all got a bit stuck in routines that worked a while ago and now need to be rethought?

Excellent point nkf. I think Allnew would also agree with you.

OP, just because an arrangement works at one point in time, it doesn?t mean you have to stick with it forever more. Maybe a more age-appropriate arrangement would be better? Even if the ex kicks up a fuss, there?s not much she can do about your choice of menu and whether (or not) the children shower before they go home. Otherwise I could see you ending up in a situation like Allnew and I, whereby you have step children of age 17/18, who still need to be home by 6pm sharp on a Sunday, fed, showered and ready for bed.