Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

[sanityseeker75]

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

[allnewtaketwo]

No they're certainly not treated like actual individuals with minds of their own. On DSS1's part, he has never showed any inclination to have a thought of his own, so she has a very easy job in controlling him really. Tbh it's like having 2 very young children round to stay -DSS1 hasn't changed at all in the 10 years I've known him. DSS2 has thoughts of his own buy these are quashed by his mother and of course DSS1 has set a precedent of compliance which makes it harder for DSS2 to break the mould so to speak.

[flurp]

So you refuse to coin roast dinners and do any ironing now on a Sunday. Who suffers? The ex? Your DH?
No it's the kids. Why should they get caught in the crossfire?
It's not about the need for a roast dinner but if kids are in your care and usually have a hot meal if is just manners to tell their mum that they might need more than usual when they get home.
My dc would be starving if they had only had a few packets of crisps and some sandwiches to eat for a whole day.
Again, the mum handled it badly but the OP could have just let her know!!!!

[allnewtaketwo]

Does the school let mum know if the children don't eat their school dinner? DS's school certainly don't, and he's not yet 5. I have a conversation with him and try to glean what he's eaten, and then base what I give him for tea based on that. I'm sure this process is much much easier with a 13 and 9 year old . In fact you shouldn't even need to ask - at that age they are more than capable of voluntarily saying they're hungry OR, heaven forbid, go and help themselves to something in the kitchen when they get home.

[thepig]

Firstly unless I missed it why is it being assumed the kids were starving? They were fed...heating something doesnt make it more filling.

Secondly some people need to get a grip. This is not an issue for the kids welfare its a first world problem.

So bloody what even if the kids had 10 packs of crisps that day, its a one off, an anomaly. Some people need to relax a little, theyre just children...not time bombs that will go if not fed a roast dinner.

[nurseneedshelp]

You sound like a really lovely step mum op and I'm sure you're doing a fab job.

[Pinkshaman]

It wasnt until much later in the thread that the op said he was at work, initially she said a couple of times that he went out.

And it was him that received the texts, not her and he didn't explain that the op was ill.

But even if he hadn't been at work and had been at home, he wouldn't have been able to cook them a meal. That's the bit I don't get. That he couldn't even put a pizza in the oven.

[Ragwort]

Why this utter obsession with 'hot dinners and proper meals' - sandwiches are a perfectly acceptable meal.

[Snazzynewyear]

Pink, I agree. If the OP wasn't in the picture, would these kids be eating sandwiches forever because their father would be unable to cook anything at all? He really ought to work on that.

[FrauMoose]

It sounds as if absolutely everybody has got trapped into a tight routine. A mother who is inflexible about visiting times.
A father who when present can't/won't/doesn't cook
A stepmother who always provides a traditional Sunday dinner - of the same type and same time.
Two teenagers who don't see their mates or go to parties and who seem pretty passive, and unable to adapt appropriately when somebody is ill. (Or perhaps the routines were so rigid that nobody thought to ask them to help out.)
Stepmothers can't always do a lot about mothers. But I might want to make the structures a bit less tight/rigid within the time my stepchildren were visiting. It might be a way of modelling a more healthy kind of family life...

[NotaDisneyMum]

Lets take the SM out of the equation, shall we? Lets assume the DCs normally have a roast dinner with their paternal grandparents while their Dads working every Sunday. Not a particularly unusual set up, ans one which may well have been in place for these DCs if the OP wasn't a part if their lives. Does anyone think that the grandparents are obligated to text the DCs mother to tell her what they have eaten ??

There seems to be confusion between two different families - as far as I know, it's not the OPs DSC who have a rigid routine and no friends; that's another poster.

The OP did say that she received a text directly from the DCs mum complaining about her care of the DCs after she had dropped them home..

[Cavort]

YANBU.

I am a step-Mum and a similar scenario for me would result in a very harsh reply going back to their Mum.

I agree with your proposed course of actions, even if you only do it for long enough to make your point.

[sanityseeker75]

Thanks for all the replies, I feel a bit like I need to defend/explain some of the points.

The DSC come EW and have for over 5 years because it is court ordered contact. DH's ex wanted this.

DSC do have a social life - DSS goes into town with my DS as they have a cross over of friends and she will join DS at High School in Sept.

I gave them options of beans and cheese on toast/ soup and toast or cold lunch and they asked for the sandwiches instead.

Before DH lived with me he used to take DD to MacDonalds/Cafe etc.

He is capable of making sandwiches or getting takeaway, I agree that because I always do it he has never had to.

We both work FT and I prefer to cook and iron (yes I prefer Ironing) to cleaning and washing - he does general cleaning and washing and washing up. I really never realised that this would cause such offence to people.

I have a DS who is nearly 14 and he is also capable, as is DSD of doing a couple of sandwiches (DSD sometimes has to look after DSS at moms and does indeed do sandwiches for them both).

When they have roast dinner they normally eat it around 3, this is about the time they had lunch still. They then go have showers etc and go home at 5pm. They live 5 min drive away. They are normally the first to say if they are still hungry, I had snack foods in fridge and they could of had them if they had asked but they didn't.

Ex text DH and then me complaining. It hurt and upset me because this is the first time I let the ball drop, if DH is away and she runs out of medicine etc for kids she doesn't mind texting me to ask me to pop some in, happy for DSC to come to ours straight from release from hospital after ops etc so despite the fact that we do not always get on she knows I would never neglect the DSC's and that is what actually really upset me. That and dragging my DS in to it and saying I should have known better having a DS of my own.

[NotaDisneyMum]

seeker You did not let the ball drop - despite what some people have commented here.
You have put yourself out for your DSC for years, accepting them as a part of your family and taking responsibility for them, because of your live for their Dad.

You have had that thrown in your face and quite rightly you feel hurt and unappreciated. You have no obligation to the DCs, and they certainly won't suffer if you no longer iron for them, or provide a hot dinner every weekend - the impact if your decision will lie where it should; with the DCs parents.

[NotaDisneyMum]

flurp I envy you your DCs if they have such high standards that they care whether or not their clothes are ironed and would suffer greatly if they weren't.

If their Mum wants the DCs clothes ironed on a Sunday, then perhaps she could teach the DCs to do it themselves when they get home from Dads (after their Sandwich tea, maybe?), rather than rely on SM to do it

[FrauMoose]

Sanity I got my postings muddled earlier. I can see why it was upsetting and hope that putting it all down here has made things better rather than worse.

[Petal02]

I think NADM sums it up very neatly by suggesting we take the "step" element out of the equation. It all looks very different then, doesn't it .... ?

[millie30]

If I posted in Lone Parents that my ex sent me nasty messages because I didn't cook DS a roast dinner he would rightly be called a controlling idiot.

If I posted in AIBU that I sent my ex nasty messages because he didn't cook DS a roast dinner I would rightly be called a controlling idiot.

I fail to see how this situation is any different.

[Pinkshaman]

Not to me, there's still a woman who was ill and feels bad that she didn't do what she would normally do. One of the people around her didn't help and the other had a go. It's unacceptable in any scenario.

[flurp]

So why drip feed? Why not say from the off that you offered them beans on toast/soup etc and they refused. Then the replies would have been a lot different.
If my dc went to their grandparents for Sunday lunch and didn't eat much when they normally do then they would tell me. Why is that such an unreasonable request? My DS went to tea at his friends last week and the Mum text to ask if I was OK with him having a McDonalds as they were going out. Its just courtesy.
I'm not saying they will suffer because of unironed clothes or lack of roast dinners but from the feeling that they are being punished because their parents can't be civilised adults and discuss things like parents should do.
If the OP doesn't want to cook a roast every Sunday she shouldn't have to do it, she shouldn't have to iron her DSCs clothes if she doesn't want to but to suddenly stop doing it now to 'show' the ex will impact on the dc.

[olgaga]

As I said OP I think this was very unfair on you, but if my DD (12) had not had a proper meal during the day she would be hungry later!

A sandwich with crisps is a usual weekend lunchtime snack in our house followed by a cooked meal later - but both DD and DH are the slim/hungry types.

So it depends on the children. My only point is if she was expecting the kids to have eaten a proper meal as usual before they arrived back on Sunday then she might well have been annoyed not to have been told that on that day it hadn't been possible.

I agree that she was probably unnecessarily confrontational and over-reacted when she texted your DH, and then you, but that is more likely to be the result of unresolved hostility between her and your DH.

I think you should put it down to that rather than make all the children go without a cooked meal every Sunday!

Plus if they are home by 5 on Sunday, at their age they can surely organise themselves to have showers etc when they get home rather than having to do all this at yours.

Perhaps you should sit down with the children and have a chat about how they would like their weekends to be organised. If you had to go back to court to change the order, they are old enough for their views to be taken into account.

[Petal02]

Olgaga, your post is a pretty balanced view. I'm never quite sure why step families and exes seem to get into a very set way of running weekends; it's only in the last six months that we've stopped having to take DSS18 home at 6pm on Sundays (EOW) showered and fed; I can understand why a toddler may need to be fed, bathed and ready for bed when they go home on a Sunday night, but given the children in the OP's post are 9 and 13, I think this is unrealistic. There seem to be too many "set in stone" arrangements; children grow, things evolve, life changes. What was appropriate for a 3 yr old at one time, won't remain appropriate forever.

[allnewtaketwo]

This thread has really made me question why we're continuing with the mad dash for dinner and home by 6.30pm on a Sunday. The deadline has no chance of moving, but we have the power to remove the madness of the rush preceding it. I see a shift in my Sunday meal schedules coming soon.

[Petal02]

Allnew, it used to be just the same in our house. We couldn't go very far on a Sunday afternoon, because we had to get back home in time to cook dinner for DSS, DSS had to eat it, have a bath/shower and was then driven home. And as DSS rarely used to get up before 1pm on a Sunday, it often meant the whole day was essentially written off, just so that the 6pm return procedure could be adhered to. It was the most ridiculous, artificial, pointless deadline imaginable. I can understand the point if DSS were small, but not at age 18. Thank god we're not doing that any more.

Your household situation is so similar.

[sanityseeker75]

Flurp It wasn't intended as a drip feed. My initial post was more bullet points of DH not in DSC's fed sandwich. I got in trouble for not doing a roast I clarified points later as people raised questions, so I tried to answer in more detail.

There was no school the next day and tbh, it didn't occur to me to text Ex as the kids still were given food.

It is not my intention to spite kids and I will still obviously feed them EW (I may even do the roast on a Sat if they want one that weekend). I will not be treated like a glorified, unpaid childminder by either of their parents though and yes she may have been annoyed - she could have said if it happens again etc and I would probably have said fair enough but she didn't - it was an attack.

I did respond advising that she can now do roast every Sun when they get home and showers. If it is that important to her that they have one then she can go to the expense and routine of providing one going forward.

It will make Sundays more relaxed in our house and means we get to spend more time together than slave to the kitchen.

[TheToysAreALIVEITellThee]

OP you have got nothing to feel bad about here.

If you doing the cooking and DH cleaning etc works for you then thats fine so not sure why some posters are up in arms about that bit. And why would you need to text the ex about the roast? The kids still ate something decent didnt they? Really about that bit tbh.

Good for you on knocking the roasts on the head, if its a meal you enjoy then you can do it in the week instead, and you can have a relatively chilled out weekend.

Stick to your guns, you are not in the wrong here. The loon of a mother is putting far too much importance on a meal of chicken and potatoes, I actually feel a bit sorry for her.