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Original poster

Got to pick your battles ...... But WWYD?

110 replies

Petal02 · 06/04/2013 18:08

DSS, who is 18 1/2, is taking his driving test next month. DH has been happy to agree that once he's got his licence (he already has a car) that we can finally discontinue with the access rota, as DSS will be able to transport himself to/from our house as and when he wishes. I was delighted, I've lived by a rota for far too long, and the thought of normality is wonderful.

However DH said something strange last night; that he wants DSS to have a key so that he can come over whether we're in or not. This niggled me slightly, I'd expected DSS would visit us when we're home, I've never got my head round all this "in absentia" visiting, I don't see the point. But my main, overriding concern is that DSS has a terrible track record when it comes to switching things off, closing windows, locking doors and is completely incapable of sorting out pets (would you shut a dog in the lounge when you go out?) and can't master our very simple burglar alarm. The thought of him letting himself into our empty house, and then leaving without locking up, or with the gas hob still lit, or the French windows still open ....... Well it's scary.

I appreciate its normal to be home alone at the house you live in, but I'm uncomfortable, essentially on fire/flood/security grounds, of having him hang out at ours when we're out.

So you have to pick your battles, so I'm proposing to suggest the following to DH: I accept I might have to give in gracefully regards DSS having a key, he's 18 and it is indeed his fathers house. But I want DH to have a proper conversation, not a Disney joke, about taking care of our home, and if we have any problems, that the privilege of a key is rescinded (assuming the house hasn't burnt down).

In return for this, I request that if we're going on holiday or away for the weekend etc, that we don't leave DSS to secure the house (I couldn't relax on a beach wondering if DSS had left the bath taps running) and that he doesn't visit our empty house while we're away, as there's no point. Does that sound reasonable?

I really don't want a huge row with DH over this, I know he wants DSS to feel welcome, but this needs to be balanced with the need to protect our home, and my peace of mind. And (I shan't say this to DH) I understand why you need key for the house you live in, but don't think it's mandatory for any other houses. Not when the 'child' in question has been repeatedly irresponsible with basic household procedures.

Can I reiterate I'm not suggesting we reduce visits, just that they take place when we're in, and that he doesn't cause damage to our home.

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DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 08:25

It is funny how everyone is different and I'm not saying that Petals ss shouldn't feel like this house is his home, its lovely that he does. But when I went away for uni and came back for the holidays, it didn't feel like my home anymore. I thought it would, but it didn't. I was still made very welcome, but it seemed different. Strange thinking about it to be honest.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 08:30

But desk. He hasn't even moved to uni yet.

millie30 · 07/04/2013 08:33

If my son, who lives with me full time, had form for being irresponsible with locking up and leaving hobs on etc he would not have a key. Petal seems to be suggesting a fair compromise to me.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 08:34

I must be weird. My family must be weird.

My parents love having the kids drop in. There's a lot of fake moaning about eating the fridge in one sitting but they really do love it and the kids and them have had some great nights.

Even with dP, and he doesn't live here, they've never felt they had to ask to visit if they knew he was here.

I feel sad that Petal is missing that.

LIZS · 07/04/2013 08:35

Does he have a key to his own home ? How does he treat that ? I think you are in danger of cutting off your nose to spite your face here. Allow him the key initially while you aren't going to be away for long periods and see how it goes. He should be capable of locking up and looking after pets at 18 , but if he hasn't had to he won't be. Tell him you have set the alarm and he can't go in unless he learns to do the same reliably.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 08:37

They change so much at that age just because he did that a few months at doesn't mean he would do it now.

If it was me I would give the key, a lecture about responsibility, and let him come and go as he pleases. Any time.

Until he proves he can't be trusted and then revisit it at that point.

To do otherwise is terribly negative and rather horrible in my opinion.

NotaDisneyMum · 07/04/2013 08:37

I'm with blanche - the key issue (excuse the pun) is that both adults (in this case the OP and her DH) agree.

Some DCs never have a key to the home they live in with their parents - I didn't! Others have keys to both their parents homes and are free to come and go as they please. Neither is right or wrong.

petal you don't need validation for your position, and neither does your DH - but unless you can both compromise and reach a position you can both live with, then the resentment may well last into your DSS adult life.

DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 08:40

Good point Freddie. I was just thinking of myself at that age. Girls are ment to mature faster than boys, maybe that's the difference.

allnewtaketwo · 07/04/2013 08:44

Freddie the OP has in no way suggested "cutting him out" or anything of the sort.

DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 08:44

Sorry but Grin at key issue.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 08:48

Sorry all new the "cutting out" was to the suggestion at that point in the thread, that at age 18 he should be standing on his own feet.

I apologise for not making it clear. I was posting from my phone. Which I realise is no excuse

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 08:50

I don't get this "they're 18 they're on their own they're adults now"

My 23 year old is graduating this summer and coming HOME. to here. And then going back to Uni to do something else. And this will be his HOME for as long as he needs it to be.

Am I weird?

TheHumancatapult · 07/04/2013 08:56

i have a key to my mums but i knock on door ring/bell do not walk in same for my place she has key but I would not expect her to let self in.

but agree maybe more tricky as ss is still only young as such .does he have own room in house and stuff what was the access arrangements before .Did he stay EOw etc so its in reality his home to

Original poster
Petal02 · 07/04/2013 09:12

Freddie, no one is suggesting we 'cut him out' or reduce support or give him any less of anything.

I'm just very wary of giving him the privilege/responsibilty of a key, when recent events (dog shut in lounge, grill left on, alarm not set) have suggested he's not ready yet. I'm not taking anything away, I'm not taking a key off him, he hasn't got one yet.

As I said in an earlier post, we just need to strike a balance that accommodates DH's wishes and my wish to protect my home. And I occasionally walk round in my underwear so I'd like to know who's going to be walking through the front door. DSS has never considered our house to be his home, he's always lived with his mum and visited Dad, so I doubt giving him a key, or not, will change his views.

I plan to speak to DH today with my compromise, I'll let you know how I get on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Petal02 · 07/04/2013 09:14

PS - when I was younger, I was given a house key at age 15, my brother never got one. I was sensible, my brother wasn't, but my parents didn't have to factor 'step' issues into the equation. If you could be trusted you got a key, if not, then you didn't 't. Quite simple.

OP posts:
Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 09:14

Petal I never said you had. I have apologised already if I gave that impression.

And, as I have also said, the firsts have seen me in knickers and vest top. Doesn't bother me. Might have bothered them but I doubt it. Well, maybe scared them half to death, but they still crash here.

I've also realised my family is weird. We seem to be rather more relaxed about that kind of stuff than many.

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 09:16

On the underwear thing. I never stopped being in my underwear. If they didn't like it they were free to stop coming round. It's not that different to a bikini or holiday clothes.

But then again, as I said, I seem to be too relaxed.

Original poster
Petal02 · 07/04/2013 09:19

Freddie, it would be a boring world if every household operated in the same way. I just hope your underwear is always pristine and matching :) !!

OP posts:
Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 09:21

Absolutely not Petal Grin

I love having them all round and I can't wait til the bigger ones are home from Uni for the summer and I never quite know how many bodies will be in the living room when I wake up.

DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 09:24

Petal have you discussed with your ss about abandoning the rota when he can drive ? I'd be concerned about him sticking with it and just driving himself between homes, instead of waiting for your dh to chauffeur him. He does seem very fond if a routine. You would know when to expect him at any rate.

TheHumancatapult · 07/04/2013 09:27

Freddie

I Have 4dc two of them in teens both at home (19 and 16) and ye sthey both have keys and yes ds2 planning uni and he will have a key when he goes to come and go as this is his home .but once moved out properly i would expect them to ring the doorbell first

DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 09:29

Everyone is different, I would hate to find a load of people lounging round my home if I wasn't expecting it. My parents wouldn't have liked the idea either. Your home life sounds lovely Freddie, as was mine growing up. Just different.
Can't speak about my own dc as we are a long way off the uni years she says while trying not to think of the uni years. Sob. Grin

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 09:29

Well, I'm odd.

I'd never expect mine to ring the doorbell. Nor do my parents. Not to their home.

And DS1 has "moved out properly" to uni but I can't get rid of him he's coming back which is a joke

DeskPlanner · 07/04/2013 09:38

Nobody is odd, we all have different ways of doing things. I always ring the bell to my patents, as they do at mine, despite us all having keys, doesn't mean where odd either.

BenjaminButton172 · 07/04/2013 09:40

I think what we have established here is that every household/family is different.

Petal i can understand what you are saying/your worries. If my dd acted like your ss she wouldnt get a key whether it is her home or not.

If he does get a key i think some rules are needed along with consequences ie removing of key.

Hope all goes well with your chat to dh Smile