Got to pick your battles ...... But WWYD?

[Petal02]

DSS, who is 18 1/2, is taking his driving test next month. DH has been happy to agree that once he's got his licence (he already has a car) that we can finally discontinue with the access rota, as DSS will be able to transport himself to/from our house as and when he wishes. I was delighted, I've lived by a rota for far too long, and the thought of normality is wonderful.

However DH said something strange last night; that he wants DSS to have a key so that he can come over whether we're in or not. This niggled me slightly, I'd expected DSS would visit us when we're home, I've never got my head round all this "in absentia" visiting, I don't see the point. But my main, overriding concern is that DSS has a terrible track record when it comes to switching things off, closing windows, locking doors and is completely incapable of sorting out pets (would you shut a dog in the lounge when you go out?) and can't master our very simple burglar alarm. The thought of him letting himself into our empty house, and then leaving without locking up, or with the gas hob still lit, or the French windows still open ....... Well it's scary.

I appreciate its normal to be home alone at the house you live in, but I'm uncomfortable, essentially on fire/flood/security grounds, of having him hang out at ours when we're out.

So you have to pick your battles, so I'm proposing to suggest the following to DH: I accept I might have to give in gracefully regards DSS having a key, he's 18 and it is indeed his fathers house. But I want DH to have a proper conversation, not a Disney joke, about taking care of our home, and if we have any problems, that the privilege of a key is rescinded (assuming the house hasn't burnt down).

In return for this, I request that if we're going on holiday or away for the weekend etc, that we don't leave DSS to secure the house (I couldn't relax on a beach wondering if DSS had left the bath taps running) and that he doesn't visit our empty house while we're away, as there's no point. Does that sound reasonable?

I really don't want a huge row with DH over this, I know he wants DSS to feel welcome, but this needs to be balanced with the need to protect our home, and my peace of mind. And (I shan't say this to DH) I understand why you need key for the house you live in, but don't think it's mandatory for any other houses. Not when the 'child' in question has been repeatedly irresponsible with basic household procedures.

Can I reiterate I'm not suggesting we reduce visits, just that they take place when we're in, and that he doesn't cause damage to our home.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

But you know. This isn't about a grandparent. This is about his fathers home. Which should be his home too.

And if what bamboozled said is true then I'm wasting my breath.

[allnewtaketwo]

If I had brought up a child, had a real input into their value system, sense of responsibility, respect etc,. Then of course there would be no issue with trusting them with a key to my home. In the case of a non resident child, it is very often the case that there has been no such opportunity, and that indeed the way they have been brought up/developed is very different. In my own experience, my DSS has brought up to be utterly completely and totally dependent on adults. He doesn't see himself as a grown up with reponsibilities. It's actually frightening, but there is no way I could entrust him with a key or my alarm code. He thinks like a small child and acts like a small child. He thinks he visits our house to be entertained lie a small child. Nothing whatsoever will convince him otherwise because it suits his mother for him to be completely dependent and she has enforced this dependency his whole life. Sorry, but no such "adult" can be trusted with a key to my house.

No one with their own resident child can or will ever understand this because the idea of a child with a complete different value system to your own, with free rein over your home, is utterly alien to them

[nenevomito]

To be fair to Petal there's a long running backstory here that has been going on for years. I know sometimes how it can read when you don't know the full details, but you need to suspend what you know about your family and try instead to understand that's not the situation that Petal is in.

In your family you probably have an easy going relationship with your children who are happy to move between houses and who are able to handle responsibility and change. That's not the reality for Petal.

Her reality is of a DSS who is not responsible, has difficulty managing by himself and has always insisted in a very rigid schedule, even as a young adult.

If you had a child who couldn't be trusted to take care of your house while you were away, would you be happy for them to be left there alone? No, you would arrange for them to be elsewhere, or have someone look in.

Take the emotive 'step' out of the argument and stop layering your own reality onto the situation.

[MrsBombastic]

I think you are being totally reasonable; proceed.

[allfornothing]

Lol@ all the 'he's an adult now' comments. Barely 18, still at college dependent on parents. Poor kid.

Thank The Lord my parents never had this viewpoint or I'd never have survived.

Btw- since when did heading off to uni equate to 'moving out'?! They are not even remotely the same thing!

[allnewtaketwo]

In what way is 18.5 barely 18?

You'd "never have survived" if your parents considered you an adult at 18? Good god

[BenjaminButton172]

Is the problem him having a key or is it him not locking up and things?

My mum has a key to my house and has never used it. I have a key to my mums house and i have used it. Most of the time it is when she is in and someone knocks at the door ans she cant b bothered to find her keys.

[Petal02]

It would be really helpful if, rather than going off at a tangent, people could comment on the compromise I plan to suggest to DH, which is contained in my original post.

And yes, the bigger issue here is that DSS can't be trusted to lock up etc.

[nenevomito]

I think the compromise is a good one. He gets a key but loses it if he's irresponsible.

fair dos.

[allnewtaketwo]

I think the compromise is fine, but....... It's pretty likely your DH sees the whole key thing as some sorts of "symbol" rather than a practical matter? I'm just trying to picture the conversation in my house. DH would accuse me of coming up with potential problems where there are none. But I think on balance you should still go ahead and say what you suggest

[flurp]

Oh Petal - From your other posts I can imagine him sticking to his rota whether you are at home or not!! Turning up on his scheduled days and staying in his own!!
Seriously, I agree that he should be allowed the key but definitely not while you are away until you can trust him to be responsible!

[Petal02]

Allnew, you're absolutely right, I'm sure this whole key thing is about symbolism, and I doubt DH has given the resulting practicalities/impracticalities any thought.

[allfornothing]

Er... Yes allnew, 18 years is barely an adult and seriously, we could use the letter of the law to say that an 18 is an adult, but any sane person knows that that rarely makes them necessarily dependent/capable/ able to fend for themselves.

Am I the only one who thinks hitting 18 does not somehow instantly turn a child into an adult?

[allnewtaketwo]

You're splitting hairs allfornothing. Regardless of age, the OP's DSS by the sounds of things can't be trusted to act responsibly when left in sole charge in the home. Call him child/adult whatever, it makes no difference to the specific problem the OP is posting about.

[allnewtaketwo]

And shes absolutely not asking him to "fend for himself" . Quite the opposite. Nor did anyone suggest this

[Readyisknitting]

The compromised suggestion sounds workable, although I do like the suggestion that the key be for a door with internal bolts for when you are away.

The key is symbolic, and I don't think anyone would be surprised if he continued to stick to the rota, whether you both were in or not!

It sounds quite fair as a solution, and gives him s chance to demonstrate any new found maturity and responsibility.

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

I think your compromise sounds ok.

I am surprised you find it 'strange' that your DH suggested his son have a key to his your house. I think it would be very strange or him not to have a key. It's meant to be his home too. It should never be a privilidge that he has a key . It's a shame you still view him 'coming over' as 'visits'. It sounds so formal and unwelcoming.

I remember from your early threads that you don't much like your DSS but they can really grow up and change at this age. Just because he has a bad track record at remembering to lock up/turn off lights or whatever does not mean that he won't grow out of it very quickly.

I hope everything works out.

[brdgrl]

I think what you are proposing is perfectly reasonable.

I have two teenage stepchildren. One we can trust to lock up, care for pets, turn off the stove, etc....One we simply cannot, which has been clearly demonstrated. They live with us, and they of course have keys. But one stepkid we could leave at home alone for an overnight or weekend, and one we could not. Not because of age, or any measure of affection,. but because of temperament, maturity and ability. This might change by the time my stepkid is 18 - but if not, he won't be having unsupervised access to the house while we are away.

[brdgrl]

Sorry, but having a house key is a privilege - no matter what the family composition or age of the child/young adult. I grew up in a 'traditional' two-parent family, and having a key was not an automatic assumption..if I'd shown I couldn't handle the responsibility, I would not have had one.

[allnewtaketwo]

Dontshout, just our of interest, when, as an adult, do you consider that the house stops being his "home"?

When at my parents, I consider that I am visiting, not that it's my home. This has been the case since I was 18. It's absolutely never felt formal or unwelcoming, just a natural part of growing up and becoming independent as an adult.

If I had have been a step "child", would I have needed it to have been considered my "home" ad infinitium for some other reason?

[SoupDragon]

Checklist: fine.
"don't come round when we are away: fine - sell this as a requirement of your insurance policy as you need to know the house is secure.

ask yourself if you'd be happy with an irresponsible non-resident teenager in your house in your absence

Absolutely horrible! He is family not some random teenager.

[SoupDragon]

My parent's house felt like my home until they moved to a house I had never lived in when I was 30.

[DeskPlanner]

I would take the key off him when you go away or get internal bolts fitted. I would be worried about him coming round when your away and leaving the hob on.


Some people are very responsible at 18, own homes, children, holding down a job for example and some are not. Petals ss is not, and until he is my concern would be my home.


Also and this may seem a stupid point but if it were me, I would like a vague idea of when someone is coming round in case I'm wandering around naked. This would include my own adult dc's. Disclaimer, I don't have adult dc's or sc, so I may be talking rubbish.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

I wonder how many on this thread have or have had older teens of their own?

I just can't imagine cutting any child out at an arbitrary set age. DS1 was a dreamer and a bit vague. He needed more support and help with moving out. He's sensitive and caring. Academically he needed no support

DS2 on the other hand was and is as hard as nails much more confident and was ready to move and go to uni. But he had needed much more of a kick up the arse to work.

They are all different. But this is still their home. And I couldn't be with a partner who didn't consider this, or any other house of mine, their home.

My parents have moved since I left home. The house they're in now I never lived in.


And as to bringing mates round of course he should. I should be a home. Not a place he visits. Half of the rugby first XV have seen me in my jammies due to coming here.

If you've had this attitude legal ever since he was a wee boy (not reading other threads I didn't think that it was allowed to bring up history) I can see why he's welded to his dad when he's there. You're being awkward and difficult and I'm sure he can sense your dislike of him.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Petal not legal. Stupid phone.