Step mother good – ex wife bad – children evil

[noam]

I'm quite prepared to get some rotten tomatoes flung at me for this, but I've been lurking for ages on this board and I've now reached breaking point.

Okay, here goes.

Why did so many bitter, resentful (and sometimes just plain nasty) step-mums on this thread ever get together with a bloke with kids if they are so unhappy being step-parents?

I am just so sick of reading threads about saintly step mums who are battling 'evil' step children, feckless 'disney' dads or money grabbing ex wives.

Just today, I've read a thread wondering why step-children need to sleep over at Dads, another questioning what to do when you hate your dsc because they remind you of the ex-wife who you also hate, one questioning why the ex-wife needs to see the kids on mothers day and finally one about arranging a holiday that excludes the dss and wondering why dh might be upset.

It's as though the only version of step-parenting that's acceptable is one where it's just assumed that the step-parent is marvellous and in the right, the step-kids' mother just wants money/a weekend off (and why shouldn't she?) and the dad is Disney (because loving your kids and wanting them to be happy must be ridiculous.)

Maybe, just maybe, the step-kids are badly behaved because you make them feel unwelcome? Maybe the ex-wife needs maintenance because she's raising the kids on her own and knows every penny sent her way is resented by you? Maybe the dads are 'disney' to counterbalance your negativity and hostility?

There just seems to be so much hate and resentment and anger on this board. Why live with/marry a father if you resent the reality of his children so much??

Rant over.

You can start chucking the tomatoes now.

[Targetpractice]

Brilliant Jacqueline, totally agree.
Lady, sorry for venting, I'm sure there are loads of reasonable dads out there.
I'm mostly mad at myself for not spotting warning signs early in relationship, like dh met ds quite soon and they hit it off, his dc were kept in the dark about me and this angered dsd a lot. I didn't meet them until our relationship was quite solid and so the combined hostility of nutty exW and dsd hurt but didn't drive me away. Dh now admitted it was him not exw that kept us apart because he was afraid I'd leave him. His relationship to dsd is very tricky, she felt more betrayed by him than the mother as marriage was long over and divorced before we met. This is the actual basis of our couple counseling need.

[Jan45]

Noam, you really do have no idea. What a narrow minded nasty person you must be to even write that down never mind think it.

I'm not even going to waste any more time trying to explain to you how difficult it is to be a step parent, it would just be pointless.

[Jan45]

PS: I wouldn't chuck a tomato at you, I would chuck a basket of common sense in the hope you would actually have a lightbulb moment.

[brdgrl]

I haven't been around the boards much recently (only because horrendously busy with new job, etc etc) and when I saw this OP I nearly turned around and left - but I am so glad I read on. The OP aside, this thread is full of the sort of good sense and empathetic support which reminds me why this board is so important for us stepmums. And the OP reminds me why it is so necessary.