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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holiday problems

43 replies

Nurse1980 · 02/03/2013 22:19

Hi,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please.

I have a 17 year old stepson. Me and his dad have a daughter who is 4 month old.

My parents have invited me, OH and our daughter on holiday in June abroad. They have offered to pay.

My parents have never met my stepson and my OH isn't close to my parents and doesn't really make an effort with them.

Anyway my OH is expecting his son to come along, without asking my parents first. I have suggested to my OH that it would be best if the 4 of us do something together in august or if he wants to just OH and his son go away if they would rather do man stuff with stepson being 17.

Anyway this has gone down like a lead balloon and it isn't good enough, he wants his son to come away with my parents. This is a villa in the middle of nowhere, he won't have a TV, Internet etc. He is moody at the best of times (like your average teenager really) and I don't see why my parents should have to holiday with a sulky, bored and moody teenager they have never met.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks

OP posts:

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Petal02 · 03/03/2013 17:30

I suspect the OP would like her daughter's first holiday to be just close family, which is fair enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to class a non-resident 17 yr old as close family, especially if he doesn't know the OP's parents. To me, it would feel quite intrusive if he came along.

Original poster

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 17:51

He doesn't really have much to do with his sister though. He'll sit with her for a few mins while he is waiting for his tea. Then that's it he doesn't really play with her after that. Just sits in his bedroom playing computer games.

I just don't think it's fair on my parents.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 03/03/2013 17:54

I don't think it's fair on your parents either.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/03/2013 18:08

But the OPs DSS is her DPs close family and its his DDs first holiday, too!
The same situation from two totally different viewpoints!

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 18:54

OP if you want to go on holiday with your patents then you should go with your DD. I don't think the only issue here is DSS. If you DH can't be bothered to pass the time of day with your patents then he shouldn't be accepting a free holiday from them.
I think it would be awkward, whether DSS comes or not..

exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 19:02

I wouldn't expect anyone to class a non-resident 17 yr old as close family, especially if he doesn't know the OP's parents

I don't know how much closer you expect to get than sibling!
I would be furious if someone said that my DSs were not close family. They have a parent in common!!

Petal02 · 03/03/2013 20:29

What I mean is, with the arrival if the new baby, the OP and her DH have created their own little unit within a bigger unit (if that makes sense), and as the OP has already said that her DSS is not particularly interested in the new baby - then why shouldn't she wanted to visit her parents with her husband and their new baby, without any other relatives?

exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 22:16

There is also no way that I would let a new parter create their own little unit and ignore the fact that they just added to the unit that was already there. No one in our family, or extended family, differentiates between DCs. DH got my DS when he married me- and so did his family.

exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 22:19

She is very young- I expect he will be more interested when she walks and talks- and then they have a ready babysitter. When they get time alone they can develop the relationship.

Incrediblemee · 04/03/2013 09:52

Op, is it possible dh only wants dss to come along so that he has someone to talk to, as he does not particularly enjoy your parents company? If so, it might be worth the effort to keep everybody happy, but dh should cough up for dss expenses, xx

UC · 04/03/2013 10:07

Hello Nurse. I've just been reading your comments on the other rota thread... That puts a whole new light on this OP I think.

From reading the other thread, your OH effectively disney dad's your DSS so much that he has asked that you don't wash and dry your hair on days when DSS is there, as that means he has to look after your baby instead of spending time with his son, your DSS. You also said your OH hasn't spoken to you for a few days, as he's too busy entertaining DSS with paintballing etc. Total insanity IMO.

It sounds as though you are two units - your OH and DSS, and you and your baby. Your OH is only part of the unit that is you and your baby when his son isn't around? When his son is around, he takes no responsibility at all for your (joint, I assume) baby as that would "deprive" DSS of his attention.

To be honest, that sounds insane, totally mad. And is the issue that I think you need to address. FAST. Otherwise, I can imagine you will get fed up and leave, and then your OH will end up with a rota of visiting children, none of whom are allowed to be there at the same time, or must never overlap - because they must all have individual Daddy time, not to be shared with anyone else.

On the other hand, you also sound as though you have also divided your family in your head. Why don't your parents know DSS at all? Why have they never met?

I think there are some fundamental issues to look at in your set up. Sorry.

flurp · 04/03/2013 11:30

I can see this from both sides.
I do think that your DSS has a right to be included in all family holidays, your parents shouldn't be expected to pay for him though. Like it or not you and your DH have TWO children between you and you can't blatently exclude one of them like this. DP and I have 4 between us, and
However, your DH is at fault here for making no effort with your parents yet still expecting them to extend their generosity to his son whom they have never met.
I think your choices are either go on your own with your DD or you all go and DH will have to pay for DSS and ensure he behaves.
The upside could be that this is an ideal opportunity for your DSS and your to get to know each other.

flurp · 04/03/2013 11:33

That bit was meant to be :
DP and I have 4 dc between us and we can't afford to take them all away together so we do have separate holidays with our respective dcs but we would NEVER both take 2 and leave 2 behind - whoever was paying.

Strongertogether · 04/03/2013 13:02

If stepson lived with you then I can see that going away without him would be unfair on him. From what I gather it is an access arrangement therefore I don't see why he HAS to come with you and why your parents should be expected to pay (even if they had met him). That's ridiculous. Your DP is taking your parents hospitality for granted. Stick to your guns here, do let yourself become emotionally blackmailed.

Original poster

Nurse1980 · 04/03/2013 16:06

Hi,

Only just managed to get on today. Well we've had a big chat and his son is coming, he has promised to make sure he behaves abd doesn't have a face on him etc.

I've also told him my parents will not be paying either. My parents are fine about him coming,

The other issues have also been addressed and I'll just have to keep an eye on it.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 04/03/2013 17:38

Sounds a good solution to me. A good time to blend the entire family. Hope it goes well.

balia · 04/03/2013 20:05

I'm so pleased this worked out, I felt really upset for you all when reading it. I would have been devastated if DH's family had offered to take us on holiday but without inviting DD (DH's DSD) but she does live with us, at least. And on the other side, we are going to be able to take DSS on holiday with us for the first time ever, after having to fight it through the courts. We go on a family summer holiday with my parents, which my wonderful Dad pays for. When DH broached the idea of paying for DSS this year, my Dad said he was paying for the family holiday, and DSS was family. And DSS doesn't live with us, and my parents don't see him much.

I really hope you all have a great time.

charlearose · 04/03/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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