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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My 12 yr old Daughter Hates her step dad

48 replies

KellyBrookes29 · 17/01/2013 18:15

Iv been with my partner for 4 yrs we married just over 6 months ago. But my daughter hates him. She won't listen to a word he says she doesn't talk to him she talks about him to me infront of his face. Her temper and attitude is becoming a nightmare and my husband just can't cope. Its ruining our relationship. But she doesn't seem to care. As a mother of course my main priority is my children but I love my husband and I don't want to leave him because of her. Its not because he's taken her fathers place because we split up 6 years ago and she rarely has anything to do with him. Whenever I ask her she just says she hates him she won't give me a reason. He's much more strict than I am I know its wrong but I rarely discipline where as he will. He takes her phone and computer for bad behavoir maybe that's the reason!! Has anyone else had to deal with this please I'm at my wits end!!

OP posts:

BlueberrySky · 12/07/2016 17:26

I am the hated step parent. My DSS hates me. It could be a very similar story, it caused conlfict and upset at home.

It all blew up last time I disciplined him about 5 years ago, everyone got upset. So I decided to step away from him. I now have absolutely nothing to do with him. I do not comment on his behaviour, suggest discipline or chores at all. DH deals with anything to do with him. I never go into his room even.

This has made out home life much easier for me, Dh and the other kids. My DH would never discipline my kids.

I would not suggest anything as drastic, but I do agree with pp's who say that he should not be disciplining her. You should take that back as her mother and take away the conflict from their relationship.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/07/2016 17:32

THIS THREAD IS 3 YEARS OLD.

The OP is long gone.

Please, please, lock old threads HQ!

Cosmo111 · 13/07/2016 14:37

Have they always not got on? Personally my DH said he knew it was make and break how he and my DS got on if we would continue with our relationship and rightly so.They are very close with each other. We continued our relationship for years before we had more DC and got married. I wouldn't of taken the relationship further if they didn't get on I'm afraid. My ex DS dad hates his SF and was hellish for him growing up to the point it didn't feel like his home. He got berated one time for making a sandwich at 8 or wanting to bathe at 9pm.

Soleye · 14/07/2016 02:40

I think it depends on the situation. I was the hated SM. DP wouldn't discipline his kids- so when we were all on holiday with my kids too, it was an impossible situation with his kids getting away with murder. I had to lay down some rules and they hated me for it. Still do.

My dd 18 on the other hand adores my (now) dh. Sees him like a dad and allows him to discipline her as I would. I think the reason for this is that he does everything for her- enhances her life and dd feels he therefore has the right to discipline her as a parent would.

Numpty123 · 17/01/2018 05:23

Help!!! I have been with my husband for 5 years, he always drank heavily and we’ve had huge rows, about a year ago he got so mad and had me up against a wall, unfortunately my 11 year old daughter saw this and consequently hated his guts. I made him go therapy and he quit for 6 months lost weight looked better etc but he’s been having the odd drink now and I promised my daughter if he ever drank again I would leave. She found out that he has drank and now is upset with me for putting up with it, he’s so manipulative and says he’s better now as on antidepressants and should be allowed to have a drink of wine with dinner etc and feels he is being controlled... he now has said it’s my fault if let a 11 year split us up. I hate feeling anxious but also feel sad at the thought of splitting up 😥

swingofthings · 17/01/2018 07:30

What did you tell your daughter? The problem with saying 'drink again' is that it's not clear if it means having one slip of alcohol passing his lips or going back to drinking to the point of it affecting his behaviour.

Has he shown any sign of aggression since he started to have a drink again? What's your point by which he has broken his promise?

You need to be clear about this before you speak to you DD but do consider that she might see things that you don't because you might not want to see them so do listen to her too.

lunar1 · 17/01/2018 10:08

You have set up any relationship between them to fail from the start by bringing in a stranger to be in charge of her. I don't know how you can even come back from this at her age.

I've no idea what would possess someone to move in a person their child can't get along with, how is this a recipe for a happy childhood or marriage?

Numpty123 · 17/01/2018 20:15

When we first met (2012)she did get along with him, it’s been since July 2017 ( after his angry outburst) that she now hates him

Mitzi64 · 21/01/2018 16:28

I’m a stepmom and it’s difficult for stepparents disciplining stepkids. Need to put yourself in their ‘shoes’. My stepdaughter has no respect for me, I can’t ask her to do the most simple thing. Unless two parents work together it will never work. Giving kids everything they want will not help and they need to know the boundaries.

TempusEejit · 21/01/2018 16:58

Numpty you showed your daughter that violence in a relationship is forgiveable, and have also now shown her your relationship with this violent alcoholic is more important than the promise you made to her to keep her safe. Because if you've blamed his behaviour on the drink, then of course she will associate drink, however small the amounts, with the return of that behaviour. How terrified must she be, anxiously spending each day waiting for him to explode again? I'm 100% against children dictating who their parents should or shouldn't see but in this case your daughter has legitimate concerns and you need to protect her.

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 19:06

I think you are failing your daughter and your husband.

You are standing back, letting your daughter ‘be a nightmare’ in your words. Watching your husband take the burden of discipline and not doing a thing about it.

You need to massively step up. And then your husband can massively step down. Your daughter needs you to be her main parent, so BE her main parent.

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 19:18

Numpty your daughter is living in a violent and controlling home. Only you can change this, contact women’s aid now and save your child this trauma. You are her parent and it is your job to protect her.

Outbackboy · 26/04/2019 04:43

Im sorry i know this is an old post but i didnt read any feedback saying what im about ti say. Your daughter has a father. Your new husband or your daughters stepfather has no business disciplining her. Thats your job and her fathers job and place. Its awkward enough for a young teen or preteen girl as it is but for you to push another man in her life especially when shes got a dad but even if she didnt you cant just let your new husband treat her that way. Have you ever considered she hates him for reasons that he caused amd maybe her hate is justified? No mother should bring a man into her children life if their children hate him that much.

New2Parenting · 29/04/2019 13:15

I think they need to try and build a better relationship.

You as the parent should be the one asking her to do things, telling her off etc. children will also love and forgive their parents but most don't feel the same about step parents.

Try and be the one to discipline your daughter. Have the step father try to initiate things between the step daughter and your husband.

Explain to your step daughter that you don't always get along with everyone in life but you still need to respect everyone and she is a child.

daftgeranium · 29/04/2019 21:15

Yeah, yeah, let's start demonizing all stepfathers just because they are stepfathers...... FFS

Really not constructive or fair or realistic, is it?

I agree 100% with the posts that say the OP should step up and start parenting her daughter properly, and that includes not only spending time with her and listening to her, but also disciplining her if her behavior is inappropriate and disrespectful. The kid is being allowed to walk all over both of them at the moment.

I would bet anything that the stepfather is really really unhappy in the situation he's living in, and I'm not surprised. But the main problem here is the OP, who needs to wake up to her own responsibilities - to her partner as well as her child. It's really unfair to expect him to do the parenting while she does nothing, and it puts him in an impossible position.

Emilyjayden1 · 04/11/2019 21:18

My 14 year old daughter hates my husband, I’m with him 7 years now and his relationship with her can be quite draining, as I feel like the ref between them. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship, I had 2 and we have one child together. The other kids are quite happy everyone gets along nicely, but my daughters attitude can be very rude sometimes, I tend to just get on with it and correct her when I think she’s out of order towards anyone in the house, but my husband tolerates nothing and jumps on even the smallest of things, that I well don’t consider it to even be worth arguing about, I’m a laid back person, it takes a lot to rattle me, so we basically have good cop bad cop and she hates it. She is always crying and asking me to leave him so we can return to our life before we met them, she misses quality time with just me, which if I’m honest we don’t get anymore because of money we can’t always afford to go do fun stuff because the other kids kick up a fuss if it’s not an all rounder, so we end up not going. I understand she is missing me and it’s really breaking my heart seeing her this way. I have considered leaving my husband for my child’s happiness, I feel like a selfish mother staying for my own needs. Any advice please would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

oreomum · 05/11/2019 11:25

@Emilyjayden1
Lots if sad bits in your post.

I tend to just get on with it and correct her when I think she’s out of order towards anyone in the house, but my husband tolerates nothing and jumps on even the smallest of things, that I well don’t consider it to even be worth arguing about, I’m a laid back person, it takes a lot to rattle me, so we basically have good cop bad cop and she hates it. She is always crying and asking me to leave him
Why haven't you told your husband to leave discipline to you? (I'm assuming that you are reasonable and he's being unreasonable at the discipline btw. )
With a Good Cop/Bad Cop routine not wonder she doesn't get along with your h. You and him should have had a chat about whether you should do all discipline or there should be house rules to make expectations for everyone clearer.
I'm surprised that you'd be ok with your dd "always" crying and asking you to leave him. Assuming that your expectations before your h were reasonable it sounds shit for your dd.

she misses quality time with just me, which if I’m honest we don’t get anymore because of money we can’t always afford to go do fun stuff because the other kids kick up a fuss if it’s not an all rounder, so we end up not going. This is really bad. She's very reasonable to want one on one time with you and it doesn't have to be expensive. Costa do hot chocolates with cream and marshmallows for £3.50ish or you could ban the other kids from the kitchen and do something like bake dessert for the family. The other kids kicking off shouldn't be a consideration. They could go out with their Dad and do something with him. Your dd deserves to know that she is a priority for you.

XJerseyGirlX · 06/11/2019 12:59

You will only save this relationship if you start being the parent and disciplining your own child (sorry to sound harsh) he needs to do some fun things with her and not just be "The baddy" . Your poor husband.

KingscoteStaff · 10/11/2019 09:37

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

maisienminnie · 26/12/2019 00:20

I got on ok with my step father - until he grabbed me and french kissed me when i was 13 - and then made creepy comments to me on and off for years. Being rude to him was the only way i knew to keep him at a distance. So, of course, I was labelled as the difficult one for years. Does he make her feel uncomfortable?

Mumof9yoDd2323 · 06/01/2020 20:43

Hi I’ve been single for 7 years and now my daughter is 9 I have a new boyfriend. My DD has a SM and sees her step mum and dad regularly. DD used to hate her step mum but now she loves her and hates this new boyfriend of mine.

On top of this her father doesn’t believe a word I say and won’t communicate with me other than by email.

I feel like I’m at the start of your journey 4 years ago and I feel like I’m cracking up already. She’s only met my boyfriend a handful of times but one of those times was Christmas as he stayed here. He’s so lovely and has twin girls from his first marriage who are 11. I feel like I’m loosing my little girl just because I have found a little happiness for myself. She’s unruly now. She smiles when I cry and tells me to stop putting on the ‘waterworks’ an expression she learnt from her father when she cries at his. One minute she’s fine with him then when she comes back from her dads she goes mental. Unless she has my absolute full attention. She now wants to live with her father. Her father wants to meet my partner with his wife but does not want me there. My stomach is churning constantly and I don’t know what to do!

daftgeranium · 08/01/2020 15:40

Are you actually parenting her and making it clear to her that her behavior isn't acceptable? Or is she playing you for a fool to get the attention?

IdiotInDisguise · 13/01/2020 19:23

I have seen that kind of rude behaviour between kids and step parents. It didn’t took long enough for me to decide I would never allow DS to behave like that, not because he is needs to be kind to my partner but because I need to educate my child to be fair and respectful to people regardless of their disagreements.

Having said that, I have not had any problems on walking away from anyone who was unfair or nasty to my child, including my long term H, his father.

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