Could do with some advice - hard subject

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok, not sure whether this is the right place to post, as I don't know if I would class myself as a 'step-parent' yet, but thought you all would have the best advice.

I have recently moved in with DP - about a month ago. I have a DS 2 yrs old and he has a DS 5 yrs old, who stays with us every other weekend and every Wednesday.

Background is very complicated, but suffice to say that despite having contact with his son from the day he left, his ex has always made this very difficult. This year he decided to go to court to get stable access, which he did as above. However things have still been very difficult. It has involved emotional blackmail, non compliance with the residence order, a lot of upset and a lot of twisting of words and trying to turn DSS against both his dad and me. Examples would include promising him events/ stuff is he doesn't go to his Dad's, which he gets upset about, and informing DSS that his dad has text to tell her that he loves my DS more and is going to be his Daddy now :( . I'm telling you this as I'm not sure how much this is a cause of the situation.

Anyway, my biggest problem is this - I am finding it hard to like my DSS (I fell really awful even saying that). I find him to be very whiney, very rude, crys and throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants, is very selfish, is antagonistic towards my DS (who, at 2, manages to shrug most of it off), and is very ungrateful towards his Dad, which makes me sad.

I it difficult to be around him, and although there are some nice occassions, and smiley times, on the whole I find the time that he is around upsetting and stressful and I really dislike his behaviour. His Dad agrees with me on a lot of it - and is trying to tackle the constant crying/ tantruming to get what he wants, his attitude towards my DS and his manners in general, but of course that is very slow going.

To be honest feels like it ruins the weekend time I get with my DS (he spends the other weekend with my ExP) and I am starting to feel a little resentful and feel like putting some distance between us when DSS is here so I can get a break from him and get quality time with my own DS. God I feel so selfish even saying that out loud :(

He is a child. I know he isn't doing this to purposefully annoy me, and I know I should be working on making him feel as comfortable about everything as possible, but it feels like such a battle.

Is this normal??? Does anyone have any advice?

I have virtually the same situation but DP has 2 children, a 7 yo girl and 5 yo boy and I have a 3 yo DS.
I get on beautifully with DSD, love her to death and would be very happy if she were my own...but I do struggle with DSS and for pretty much the exact same things that you mention.
He antagonises my DS, is sooooo whiney, is very disrespectful of our home, is quite violent, has no manners etc etc.
We have just never clicked.
But as time has gone on and I've got to understand him more I see why he is the way he is, basically he just wants his dad to himself and that's pretty much the top and bottom of it. He has a lot of anger because his dad isn't around but because he's so young he can't express it properly, it just comes out as tantrums and bad behaviour.
Also, some separated parents feel guilty so spoil them and don't discipline the kids much. DP was guilty of this but when we moved in together we had to draw up a list of HOUSE rules. You and DP need to be clear about what you will and won't tolerate from both the boys so its not that you're just singleing out DSS.
Also, it really helped me to see the kids as animals, a lot of their behaviour with each other (especially when your DS has just moved in) is about them fighting for the pecking order. Eventually it will calm down, I'm not sure when that happens, I'm still waiting to find out myself! Lol

I think you need to be the adult.

You should have moved in with your DP slowly slowly slowly.

Let both the children get used to the idea. Be the adults. Your love for each other will stand the test of time. But the children need time to adjust.

If you, the grown up, can't see the positive qualities in a VERY mixed up 5 year old, then you need to step back.

OF COURSE he wants his dad for himself. Let him do that. And develop your relationship with your DP slowly.

NonnoMum - we have been together well over a year and spent 3 months trying to get the children used to the idea of moving in, involved them in picking the house we have rented and spending increasing time with each other. I guess some of that is why I feel so disappointed, it feels like we tried our best and it didn't work :(

I understand needing time to adjust. And I respect that. I think where I struggle is that in the mean time it is very stressful and upsetting and I feel like/ am worried that is affecting the relationship with DS and I, when DSS is around.

Perhaps my feelings about wanting to take DS and I off and do something on our own during this time isn't as bad as it sounds? Might it give DSS some time with he Dad?? Only problem is that DP uses this sort of time to 'get stuff done' and I'm not sure that's the best thing.

what your partner's ex is doing to her son is terrible but unless DP and her will go to parenting classes or have mediation in the hope she may change her attitude and see the harm she is doing there is very little anyone can do about that.

We can only change our own behaviour and I think you are right, you need to allow your partner to have much more time alone with his son. I'd start with that first but make sure you have DP on board and that he knows of the importance of him having quality time with his son. He can do some chores, especially as time goes by, but he really needs to involve his son, make him know by his actions- not just his words - how much he cares for him and wants to be with him. Men like doing things, maybe some of this stuff he needs to do can be things his son can help with- so there is a good balance of being completely focused and playing with him but then getting on with family life and helping his son feel useful and included. In these early days though its probably going to be that the balance is more on his son .

I'd also set some house rules and agree with DP how you will both tackle bad behaviour. You will probably find that his behaviour settles down as he feels more secure - by spending more time alone with his dad - and gets used to the new arrangement. Don't assume that you always have to go out. Maybe his son would love to go to the park/ film with his dad? Then you stay in and do something fun focused on your DC. Other times you can go out etc

Thanks all.

I was feeling bad about wanting some time just me and DS on these weekends as it felt selfish and like I wanted to exclude DSS, but if it will also be good for DSS then I feel much happier about doing this. I guess I was feeling a bit pressured to have 'normal' family time as DP wanted that.

Having slept on it and spoken with DP about it this morning, I realise talking about it in the terms of 'not liking him' isn't really what its about. I don't like the behaviour and attitude that is sometimes on display, and find it very stressful, irritating and uncomfortable. I know that DP and I need to work together on what we find acceptable, and also on getting used to each other.

Before we moved in together DP and I spoke and we were clear that DSS would need time alone with him as well as 'family time' it just seems like that has waned rather quickly with DP wanting to do 'family' things. I spoke to him about it again this morning, so hopefully that will change.

DP's ex refused family mediation, twice, and the court ordered a parenting class but they both had to attend seperately (?). The court order involves pick up and drop offs from school - the benefit being reduced contact between DP and his Ex at handovers. Unfortunately she has done her best to scupper this by turning up in the playground at pick up time etc. I know we can't change what she is doing, but honestly neither of us know how to react to it at all. It's very upsetting for DSS and some of it seems to have created some quite severe separation anxiety.

He gets upset at being apart from her, even when he is at school, despite spending every other weekend with his dad since he was 8 months - this is a new development and coincided with court proceedings. He knows about very adult situations and her feelings on them, and it's things we wouldn't even talk to DSS about so are not sure how to explain or support him when it's things a 5 year old can't understand, and shouldn't really be exposed to. I hope more quality time with his Dad will help. Any other advice?

I don't yet think he would be comfortable with talking to me about things. Is there anything else I can do?

RE: his behaviour here and with DS. Is 5 years old to young to introduce house rules? Is he old enough to sit and have them explained?

Poppy/ Bluebird, can you share any specific about things that have worked for you??

Thanks

www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Separated-Parents-Putting-Children/dp/074994000X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260812896&sr=1-1

my situation was different so i won't go into details but the above book is great- the only issue i had with it is the authors insistence that a minimum of 2 years need to go by before a new partner is introduced, this may be wise advice to heed with older children but doesn't make much sense when parents have separated when their child is tiny, however apart from that niggle it really is wonderful.
The centre for seperated families (linked to above book) also have a website and a free email service where you can ask for advice. I don't know of anyone who has used it but might be worth a try. I'd get the book though as its a great first start.

House rules- yes sit DSS down with you and DP, get DP to do the talking and agree on certain standards of behaviour. He is old enough, he will have rules at school so why not at home. Just not too many. If he is shouting at you or swearing or throwing things around explain those behaviours are unacceptable and see what else he could do instead to let off steam/ show his anger without it being upsetting or destructive. Explain ,if need be, that your DS will also have to follow same rules.

I agree you shouldn't be getting him to discuss these things with you yet. He needs primarily to be talking to his dad . Later on when he is feeling safer then your role can increase but not yet. You are there for DSS to support your DP - that's primarily what you need to do right now. Just be respectful of his needs and feelings, be kind to him, be consistent and hopefully with time things will calm down. He should stop being so anxious as he starts feeling safer about things, right now he's probably just really mixed up.

Don't feel guilty about wanting time with your fair about not liking your DSS's behaviour.
One on one time is vital for both dc and like another poster says I'm sure DSSs behaviour will prove when he doesn't feel the need to compete for attention!

Time with your son or about ...
Sorry

Yes the house rules only need to be fairly basic eg. We are kind to each other, we use manners, we don't hit each other etc....and if you break the house rules you will get a warning, if you break them again then you will go for time out or whatever you decide is a suitable punishment. I don't really like the word punishment but you know what I mean.

Speak to both boys together so DSS doesn't feel like its just being directed at him.

I know I really struggled with the bad behaviour because I felt that my DS was learning it off DSC, well he has, he learnt words which no child should be hearing and that really upset me, especially when ds would direct them at me :(

The other difficult thing is that their mother doesn't discipline them much and DP let them get away with things in the past too and spoilt them rotten every weekend so they just needed time to adjust to how things work in the new house, so I'll just say ''no we don't do that in this house'' and they soon learnt. It was the same when I was a kid when we went to my grandma's everybody knew her rules and you stuck to them, even my parents.

Also I have found things are a lot easier when we are all at DP's mum's house because there isn't the same fight for the pecking order, my DS knows that DSD and DSS are the boss of that house so they hardly fight there. So maybe trying to spend time somewhere other than the house might help?

Definitely don't feel bad about spending some time with DS alone or go and see your family for a while, your DS will probably like some 1-1 time with you too.