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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

help my partner seems strict on kids

24 replies

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 11:35

hi i am engaged and have 4 kids 3 belong to my ex husband my oldest daughter is cheeky n pushes boundries and when i was alone i was not to strict with them and now my fiancee is the more strict one tells kids off does time out etc which helps me but i feel bad him being so strict and my oldest daughter shouts back at him and always causes me n partner to fall out but i feel i should take my kids side i feel they my kids not his so feel uncomfy him getting angry at them when they bad i know he trying to help so kids dont walk over me but is it normal to feel uncomfy him telling kids of as my oldest says her dad n his gf are better as they dont tell her off and do fun things and his gf dont shout at her

OP posts:

lunar1 · 02/12/2012 11:36

Does he live with you?

Original poster

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 11:41

yes he does we due to marry next year

OP posts:

theredhen · 02/12/2012 11:42

I think this is a common situation. Your partner feels you don't step up and discipline your kids which in turn makes him feel frustrated and pushed out in his own home.

You, however, feel he is overly harsh and this in turn makes you feel protective and less likely to discipline them because you feel they're already getting a hard time from your partner.

You really need to talk to him about this. In my opinion it is you who should be disciplinarian and not him but he should be supportive when you do.

Discipline and boundaries are very important for the kids so they know where they stand, you need to work together on this and you need to think about why you didn't discipline the kids when you were on your own. Are there other issues such as their dad causing problems?

Original poster

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 11:51

no i just found it challenging alone and found kids dont listen to me my middle 2 listen to him n respect him its my older dd who plays up n makes him feel unloved he a great guy great with kids all kids get on with him as he is fun n playful and he love me very much he hates seeing kids walk over me i just wish him n my dd would get on she is 10 so she is challengung and when partner shouts at her she laughs n shouts back even in public places which people think my partner in wrong

OP posts:

theredhen · 02/12/2012 11:55

Then perhaps you need to think about parenting lessons for yourself? So you can be disciplining your kids so they do take notice of you.

If your daughter is only ten years old, things will not improve as she enters her teens.

YNK · 02/12/2012 12:05

What experience does he have in parenting?
Why are you are setting him up to take over that role when you can't handle it, then undermining him when he fails too?
I agree that it would be a good idea to go to parenting classes. YOUR kids need to be confident in YOUR parenting to keep them safe and secure. I would take him along to classes so he can understand and support you in your parenting, but make it clear that YOU will be doing the work for YOUR kids.

strumpetpumpkin · 02/12/2012 12:07

just because hes not their biological father, doesnt mean he cant co-parent them with you.
If you are siding with your kids against your partner, then youre done for. You need a united front. Why does your oldest think its acceptable to talk back?

Original poster

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 12:11

whent to a class with him and i have got better i guess i just give in to easy my partner was brought up strict and thinks strict discapline is good as teaches kids when they bad just my dd plays up in publuc places and my partner stresses and shouts back as she cheeky n no respect then she laughs and calls him names i do punish her like take tv out room for day but she slams doors n screams n shouts and i feel she prefers her dad cause he the fun one as she says i feel i not good enough

OP posts:

Original poster

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 12:15

i think because i give in to her when out so she dont cause a scene as so many folk look at me in my partner in discust if she shouts n cries as she makes it look like we done wrong n we the bad ones i love dd so much i just hate her being upset iv other kids and she wants all the attention she does a lot of clubs etc so she not left out but she prefer to watch her tv in her room rather than sit with us at night

OP posts:

YNK · 02/12/2012 12:24

If she can wind him up in public to make him shout, then he didn't pick up much from the parenting classes, did he?
I'm sure they didn't advise this approach. When the shouting starts, the listening stops! This should go both ways.
He is rewarding her with negative attention doing this.

Original poster

leeanne6385 · 02/12/2012 12:30

yea i know he just finds it hard to ignore her n he stresses out :(

OP posts:

RooneyMara · 02/12/2012 12:34

Sorry, I know it's hard but I've had some boyfriends who wanted to be far stricter with my children than I was comfortable with, and I'm afraid I couldn't stand it, your children have to know you're united and it will make them feel very worried and insecure if they realise you have differences over their discipline - especially if you let him do things that you don't like him doing.

I would walk away from this man and find someone I agree with about my children, or just be on my own with them. You were doing fine before he came along - and tbh some men do choose a family with existing children to try and lord it over, because they want to be in charge, and it's really bad for the kids

YNK · 02/12/2012 12:47

If he misbehaves in public when he's stressed out, then what hope does a 10yr old have with this as a role model?
How can you teach her coping strategies with this for an example?
If you were both working from agreed parenting strategies there would be no need for him to be so stressed!
Maybe you need to go back to the classes and ask for help drawing up your strategy for challenging situations, before your children get to their teens.

RooneyMara · 02/12/2012 13:02

The thing is the further it goes the more power you're giving him.

Once you've married him, and you're still disagreeing and feeling bad about his methods and attitude, and it's still causing trouble between you and your children, it'll be far harder to get rid of him.

Do you want to spend the rest of their childhood locked in conflict with someone over how to discipline them/talk to them/behave with them?

Or apologising to all and sundry, well saying to him 'sorry about dd' and saying to them 'sorry about your step dad, you know how he is'

It's going to be pretty crap doing that for years
Think really carefully about what you're walking into. It's not too late at the moment. You can be a brill mum on your own, you know - he's not a necessary part of the picture, or of their lives.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2012 13:08

How old are they?

I think it sounds like all of you need to readdress the way you are dealing with testing situations.

cowardlylionhere · 02/12/2012 13:18

My ex partner was always a bit critical of my dc. He had massively unrealistic expectations of my 3 yo in particular. In the end he left us (9 weeks after I'd had our son) but I look back with a sense of relief really. The atmosphere when he was around the dc was always slightly tense, I found myself willing ds to behave impeccably and would dread xp picking fault. He was in no way abusive or anything like that, I just think people who don't have dc of their own, and who are maybe a bit immature (he lived with his mum...) are used to getting their own way and also have no idea how dc generally behave. Though I'm still smarting from the breakup, one thing I can honestly say is that our day to day life is vastly improved by his lack of involvement. My ds has stopped wetting himself for a start, which to me shows how anxious he was when xp was around :( Don't go into this marriage thinking your dp wull get used to the dc and become less critical. I kept my blinkers firmly on in that respect. He won't. He'll probably get less tolerant if anything. It's very difficult to accept other people disciplining your dc when you've been used to bringing them up on your own. But I realised I didn't have a problem with my friends or family doing it, just him, and that was because, on some level, I knew it wasn't right. My dc are fab. It was him with the issue. If you can say the same, then tbh I'd be rethinking your relationship. It's really not wise to put your dp's wishes and expectations above the happiness of your dc. Honestly, are they happier without his presence? Are you? Do you feel on tenterhooks when they're all together? If so, save yourself years of heartache and get rid. And I don't say that lightly at all.

lunar1 · 02/12/2012 14:50

I don't think it is the job of your children to make your partner feel loved. I don't think I could be with someone with drastically different parenting tbh.

voddiekeepsmesane · 02/12/2012 19:39

Wow will no none say that perhaps the parent ie leeanne is too simpering in this situation?! when I became a step parent I was more harsh on DSS NOT because I didn't empathise with him but because I knew that is what he needed at the time.

DSS had an extremely liberal upbringing with his mum and DP as a weekend dad felt it necessary to be a Disney dad.

Children need boundries and now as an 18 year old adult DSS has decided to live with us his respect for us totally outways that of his mother, simply because of the lack of discipline his mother had over him as a child now relates to the lack of respect he has for her as an adult.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2012 19:50

I feel sorry for your DD.

RooneyMara · 03/12/2012 07:23

And from the other side of the road, Voddie, my child's father's wife is not pleasant to his children - in fact his older ones no longer go anywhere near their house, if they can avoid it as she was so unkind to them. So he rarely sees them as a result.

Ds goes - he's only 9 - but he doesn't like her, and neither do I from what I know. Even his father says that she is jealous of the children and has 'issues'.

It can work the other way you know...and some step parents are really OTT with trying to take over and sort out the children who are, in fact, not even theirs.

strumpetpumpkin · 03/12/2012 08:00

my dp is more strict on the children than I am, including my ds1 from my first marriage, and guess what, they all love and respect him for it. He takes no crap and is consistent, but he is also loving and affectionate. There is no way I would let any of the children be rude to him and take their side. Thats no family, in fact thats you bullying your dp with your child.

Fairylea · 03/12/2012 08:07

To be honest I'd remove the tv from her room full stop. Its allowing her to segregate herself from the rest of the family and there's no need for a ten yr old to have a tv in her room. If she wants personal space she can read or play upstairs which is a more calming activity.My dd aged 10 this year has never had a tv in her room.

However this is obviously more than the tv... it's hard to tell whether your partner is being too hard or not. If you think he is being justified then you need to be united together. I do however think you should both be less worried about what others think when you are out, trust me people don't really give a toss. If they do notice they will forget in ten seconds. Reward the good behavior and ignore the bad as much as possible.

I am remarried with a ds and a dd from a previous relationship.. it is hard but possible to work together as joint parents.

strumpetpumpkin · 03/12/2012 09:30

what's so hard? you all just parent the children. otherwise you're a single parent with a boyfriend. my ex husbands wife parents my son when he is there and my partner parents my son when he is here. It takes a village to raise a child and you are going to have hell to pay when shes a teenager if you don't command a bit of respect now and support your partner when your daughter is being a brat. All it takes is working together, and if you have a problem with the way he does something, discuss it later when the children aren't around, not in front of them or they will not hesitate to play you off against each other

WildWorld2004 · 03/12/2012 09:53

There is a difference between discipline and being strict. It sounds like OP isnt disciplining her kids and her dp feels like he needs to. Kids needs discipline and structure and consistancy along with love and fun.
OP i think you need to sit down with your partner and discuss rules and discipline when the rules are broken.

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