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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP's ex is ill AIBU?

25 replies

Whatsmyproblem · 22/11/2012 08:20

DP's had his DD for five nights and his ex was supposed to take her last night for the next five nights. Yesterday she called my DP and asked him to have DD for another three nights because she's 'sick and doesnt want to spread it to DD.

This has really got on my nerves. I feel like she's always coming up with 'dog ate my homework' excuses for why she can't have their DD when she's supposed to. I said something a bit bitchy about it to DP and then immediately felt bad. But I don't think I'm BU to think this is a bit crap.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 22/11/2012 08:22

depends if she really is ill I suppose.....does she often do this?

UC · 22/11/2012 10:20

It depends.

If this is a regular pattern, then maybe YANBU.

However, if this is not a pattern, then YABU.

Either way though, if she's got a sickness bug, then I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to keep your DSD extra time. Why infect her unnecessarily? However, if it's just a cold, then I don't have much sympathy. Most parents don't have the luxury of sending their DCs anywhere else if they feel under the weather.

Maybe there's a long back story, but you don't sound very sympathetic to your DP's DD (out of interest, why not call her DSD?) Do you live together?

purpleroses · 22/11/2012 12:12

Are you being expected to take time off work, cancel plans or otherwise put yourself out to look after your DP's DD? If so, your DP shouldn't be taking you for granted and should look after his own DD.

But if not, then I think YABU really. She shouldn't be seen as some sort of chore which your DP is obliged to have for 50% of the time and no more.

UC - Most parents don't have the luxury of sending their DCs anywhere else if they feel under the weather - this isn't exactly sending her away - most parents do quite reasonably expect their child's other parent to step up if they are ill. Being ill and soley responsible for a child is really tough.

Unless you really have reason to think she's lying and is routinely seeing very little of her DD? Does seem a little odd that she is certain she can't have her for at least 3 more nights - if I was unwell I would usually take it one day at a time and see how I felt.

SoupDragon · 22/11/2012 12:16

Most parents don't have the luxury of sending their DCs anywhere else if they feel under the weather

No, most parents have another parent who can step in at some point. Rather like this scenario.

seeker · 22/11/2012 12:19

" However, if it's just a cold, then I don't have much sympathy.Most parents don't have the luxury of sending their DCs anywhere else if they feel under the weather."

Er- the other parent? As in this case?

Fenton · 22/11/2012 12:21

You are being a little unreasonable because if they have a 50/50 shared parenting set up then I don't see it makes a huge difference.

BUT

the 'three more nights' thing would make me a little as to whether this is a genuine request and not just a 'dog ate my homework' thing, - so in that case you may well have reason to humph about it.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 12:41

Depends on the illness, really - but I'd never send my DD to her Dad if he had indicated that he would prefer her not to be there for whatever reason.

If your DP has become his DDs primary carer by default in terms if number of nights, then maybe he could look at claiming the CB for his DD and using it to set up some formal childcare?

seeker · 22/11/2012 12:57

Isn't your dp just delighted to have some more time with his daughter?

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 13:01

seeker Are you suggesting that the OPs DH should be grateful that he's spending more time with his daughter?

My DDs school have just announced a closure day next week - I can categorically state that gratitude that I'll be spending more time with her was not my first reaction!!!!

MrsjREwing · 22/11/2012 13:07

What seeker said, if he doesn't have full time care a loving parent would be delighted.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 13:11

I'm clearly not a loving parent then, I don't have f/t care of DD (50:50) but if my ex (or the school) changes plans at short motive, I am anything but delighted at having to reschedule my working pattern at short notice.
Many parents with shared care have shift patterns or condensed/flexible hours to fit around their caring responsibilities - a sudden change to those is inconvenient, but doesn't mean we love our DCs any less

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 13:12

motive notice

Fenton · 22/11/2012 13:13

It's the OP who's pissed off about it, - she doesn't mention that her partner is. So who's to say he's not a loving parent?

Fenton · 22/11/2012 13:16

I agree NADM, you'd be tutting at the inconvenience of having to rearrange the routine not at spending extra time with your child.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2012 13:21

I think yabu - your DSD's home is as much with her dad as it is with her mum, or should be. Therefore it shouldn't matter whether she spends more time with him or not. Or if her mother is ducking her responsibilities or not. As her home she is entitled to be there, whenever.

Maybe unintentionally, but you sound like she is a chore. I get that she is not your child and you may not have the attachment that her dad does, but thems the breaks when you have a relationship with someone who already has dc.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2012 13:22

Sorry, should have added that the yabu only applies if you are not expected to change your work etc in order to look after your dsd.

PoppyPrincess · 22/11/2012 13:50

I have to look after my kids when I'm ill, so do most parents so no I don't really think you are BU

Original poster

Whatsmyproblem · 22/11/2012 14:26

Okay, I think in this instance I am possibly BU. Didn't want to drip feed but am typing on my phone so bear with me.

DP and I don't live together so I feel a bit weird calling her DSD. But I love her to bits and think it's great when DP has extra time with her. And I know he loves it too. That's not the issue.

His ex has a lot of form for asking him to have their DD on weekends and extra days at very short notice. From June to September she had her DD a total of three weekends. Not for any good reason other than she wanted to go on holiday, it was her birthday weekend, etc.

Somehow, whenever she's ill/wants to go away for a weekend/cant find a babysitter/whatever then she always expects my DP to change his arrangements to look after DSD. But whenever my DP has something come up and needs someone to look after DSD (which is very rarely because he's reliable) then his ex tells him that his days are his days and he's got to sort out DSD himself.

It's the double standard that pisses me off. I know for a fact that there's no way she'd have DSD for an extra three days if DP was ill.

To answer a few questions some have asked: he is the primary carer when you add it all up on paper. He did ask for it to be formalised but his ex wouldn't have it. She kicked up a big stink about wanting it to be 50/50 and then promptly booked a weekend away on the weekend she was supposed to have DSD.

DP never asks me to look after DSD. He's a brilliant father and partner.

There was one instance a few weeks ago when his car broke down a few miles away from home just before he had to do the school run. So he asked me to leave work early and go pick up DSD while he waited to be towed. That's the first and only time he's asked me to do anything like that. But he didn't even bother calling his ex first (she lives right by the school) because she wouldn't have helped him out.

The thing is, he can't tell her to piss off because every time she does this it's extra time for him with DSD. So she keeps getting away with it. But I just think it sends a message to DSD that her mum can't really be arsed. And it takes the piss out of DP's kind nature.

Sorry. Bit of a rant there!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatsmyproblem · 22/11/2012 14:32

Also, yes I am suspicious of the three day thing. It's very specific. In my heart of hearts I think she's bullshitting. She can't seem to stick to more than a couple of weeks of the routine before she needs to take extra time off for something or other.

But I'm trying to stop telling DP what I think because I can see it makes him uncomfortable. He just wants to keep things sweet and keep everyone happy. But I think she lost the privilege to rely on him the way she does when she walked out on him. She should sort her own life out.

OP posts:

seeker · 22/11/2012 15:20

If it doesn't impact on you, then YABU. And your dp is presumably delighted to spend more time with his child?

prettyfly1 · 22/11/2012 17:29

Seeker I can see your point and largely agree with you but am also able to appreciate (after a long time of similiar situations) that ultimately if you feel someone is treating someone you love badly or taking advantage of them it is very natural to feel irked or protective over it. OP It is seriously irksome and can feel a bit threatening for want of a better word when another woman can effectively toy with your partners life, but try to step back and detach from it a bit. You arent being unreasonable to feel irritated for him but this is his problem to resolve - you seriously cant do anything at all to change it and if it doesnt impact you then leave it. If it does start to become a real problem (you having to leave work regularly etc) then you really do have the right to step in and demand it gets resolved. Until then try and bite your tongue.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 18:03

whatsmy - your DPs ex doesn't have to agree for the CB to be changed - he can notify the CB office that his DD has spent over 50% of her time living with him over the last 12 months, and they'll write to his ex to tell her. She can contest it, but assuming your DP can present dates when his DD is with him, then it should be straightforward.

I appreciate he may not want to rock the boat - but look at it this way; at the moment, his DD isn't benefiting from the CB, is she?

Original poster

Whatsmyproblem · 22/11/2012 19:31

Prettyfly you've nailed it really. I hate how she can interfere with his life and there's nothing I can do about it.

And I feel like she treats him like the hired help. There's no respect for his time or his plans.

NotADisneyMum, that's really interesting, I didn't realise he could do that. I'll mention it to him.

OP posts:

BlueStringPudding · 22/11/2012 19:42

I'd be inclined to use a month to a view type calendar and mark on it every day that DD spends with DP - could come in useful as proof.

Original poster

Whatsmyproblem · 22/11/2012 20:35

Ah BlueString he already does! It's very interesting reading when it's all laid out in black and white.

He would love to be the PC/RP. But he's worried that his ex could decide to cut down the amount of time he sees DSD if he pushes her too hard. I mean if it came down to it, a judge would give her precedence wouldn't he?

I hate how she somehow calls all the shots even though DP is the primary carer in reality. Like at end of summer after he'd basically had DSD for three months solid, he went to pick up DSD as normal and his ex said that she'd decided to go away with her that night but nevermind, he could see her another day. And I just think that's such a massive liberty considering she couldn't be bothered all summer.

OP posts:

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