Finding things really hard ... Help :(

[phoebe30]

I am new to this site and a new step parent and I'm finding it extremely difficult if not impossible to connect with my step-daughter who's 5. My brief story is - its been 18 months since we were introduced as bm didn't want me around to start with, but we now have her every other weekend and one night in the week as well as after school until after tea a couple of times a week. She's not naughty or rude or difficult but just won't communicate with me. She's very close to her dad and they are inseparable when she's round. Unless I play with her 24/7 I may as well not be there - as soon as I stop giving her full attention I may as well be invisible. I don't have children of my own, just nieces and nephews who I adore and play with all the time - why can't I connect with my step daughter? I'm getting really depressed about the whole thing and when its coming up to our weekend I just want to leave home. I plan to visit friends or be out of the house for at least part of the time to keep my sanity but know I need to make an effort or it will never improve. My main problems are she won't play on her own and she is the only child in the entire family and everyone thinks the world of her - except me! Any suggestions greatly received.

i was also new to this site until yesterday and have found it a huge help and relief already. You are not alone phoebe - these feelings of dread and stress are normal and a common thread amoungst many step-parents! I am dealing with a similar set of feelings at the moment as i approach the easter holidays when i have my two sc for a week.
You sound like such a lovely person that has a lot of experience with young children - maybe you should try and talk to your partner about this and try to have some quaslity time with your sd without him but with his full endorsement. think of an activity like swimming or crafts etc that you can both undertake together - something small but regular.
i know these feelings of making an effort and getting little back but all your efforts will one day be acknowledged and because they are true they will have a klasting influence on your sd although it may not seem like it now! ps there is also nothing wrong with saying 'i'm having a few days off'! Welcome to the support, i'm glad your here.

Phoebe...
Ive got two step children and have been in their lives for coming up to four years. DSS is an absolute gem (age9)and I love him to bits... very accepting. DSD though (age13) is reluctant to become too attached to me, which has been hard. She will talk about school and pop groups etc, but nothing about feelings etc, and I think its down to her age, her mothers influence and maybe not wanting to feel disloyal.

I am pg with my first at the moment and whilst DSS is keen to be involved, DSD is not keen to engage. It makes me quite wary and reserved in how open I am when the four of us are at home. (we too have them on weekends). I fully understand you needing time out and I often will take DSS swimming on the weekend to have time out.

Hope things start to get a bit more relaxed for you. Is her mother a nasty evil one or ok?!

phoebe your feelings are not unusual, really they're not. But please don't think your relationship with your dsd will ever be the same as the one you have with your nieces and nephews. I thought that at the start and it just isn't like that at all but the more time you spend with her, the more you will learn to connect with her, honestly you will

You are right that you do need to make an effort. I used to go places just to get out of the house too - it doesn't solve anything. You will find that the more you put into the relationship, the more you will get out of it

Welcome to Mumsnet

Thank you all for responding. I don't feel so alone now! Your kind words have certainly eased my feelings of frustration and its nice to know I can share my thoughts with people in a similar position to mine. I have been trying with dsd but banging your head against a brick wall becomes tiring after a while - I just need to gather strength before throwing myself back in for another go. It's become worse recently because of an incident with a toy that she wanted to take home and I tried to explain to her that certain things lived here because we need toys and clothes for her to play with when she stays. We'd had the same conversation over clothes before and she accepted that but this time she hid it to sneak it out and I found it and had another chat to her but she just went to daddy who instantly said yes and so we had a heated discussion about me previously being asked and saying no then the hiding thing and so dad did back me up and say no but then DSD went to BM who thought I was pathetic and just being vindictive and it all got a bit out of hand really and I wish I'd just said yes but now DSD won't even look at me. Am I being pathetic?? Should I just back down for an easy life - I don't quite know how it got so serious ?? BM has been OK with me until this point but haven't had any dealings with her since.

hey there just a quick message - your doing great hang in there. things like clothes etc used to really bug me snd as i couldn't sort it i just changed my thinking to remember that clothes and toys etc are the kids things not mine or the bm's or dads but my sk's. we have never run out of anything really and if she does end up having little toys to play with at yours then maybe that would be the time to remind her gently that is why it woulb be good to keep somethings at yours and dads. this is a mere suggestion, all situations are different but this really worked for me - take care you, sounds like your having a hard time just now!

Thanks Roo - you do make sense. Sounds like you know what your talking about. Take care :)

Phoebe!

We were forced to keep a wardrobe of clothes,toys etc at our house, which remained at our house, as it got to the point where the kids would be sent over with nothing and we'd be buying new shoes clothes, pants etc each week, which was well expensive. Now (finally) it works quite well... there are favourite items at both, but at say birthdays or christmas, they will take back about half their things and leave half with us. As Roo said, they get to know over time that it's nice to have things in both places.

I think its great that your DH will back up your decisions and that is something that DSD will need to come to terms with, as you are very important in her life and need to have a certain degree of authority, as both an adult and her step mother. I think that if she sees you are a united front and stick to your decisions, it'll enforce the sense of family values.

I dont think you can force DSD to interact, as my DSD will always confide in her mother rather than me. You're being so strong... I'd probably have had a good few tearful outbursts at the point you're at by now! Have you tried doing any cake making eith her? My DSD will always take up the offer of making a cake with me, as it means she can make something herself and give dad some, who will then give her loads of praise for making something so delicious!

Keep us updated!

Thanks bumpybel - forgot to say congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all is going well. Having DSD has put me off having my own children.

Believe me there have been some tearful outbursts. I think I probably reacted the way I did over the toy because we have done, as you did, spent a fortune on new clothes, shoes and toys and they have gone home never to be seen again and she turns up for the weekend with us looking like orphan Annie. It is great that DP has backed me up but BM is still nagging about us giving the toy to DSD and DP now wants to back down.

Hadn't finished last message - sorry still getting used to using this system.

I have tried cooking with her and we've made cookies before but when I've offered more recently she's just said no thankyou, I'd rather stay with daddy.

phoebe - do not let him back down!! If you do it this time it'll open up a huge can of worms for the future

I know what you mean about it putting you off having children of your own. My DP has only recently agreed to have his vasectomy reversed, but I'm not so sure I want him to now

That must be awful when she says she'd rather stay with Daddy, but you can only try your best - which it's clear you are doing

Dont let it put you off having one of your own! My DH was very worried about what the sk's would think, and evil ex went nuts, but you've got to think about yourself too.

Maybe you could compromise re the toy and say that next time she comes over if she's really desperate to have the toy then she can take it back with her, but that you wont be automatically replacing it. Could DP suggest some family outings with the three of you?

It sounds like a very frustrating situation youre in. It must be hard not to feel resentment towards her at times. Youre obviously a very caring person, or you wouldnt have made so many efforts to resolve the issue. Fingers crossed for you.

Hi phoebe30. I'm mum to ds aged two and step mum to dsd aged 11, who I've known since she was four. We've certainly been through many of the things your describe and there was a point when I truly felt that I didn't like dsd at all. She too was the only child in either side of her family and as a result, was thoroughly indulged and demanded constant attention from adults. She was incredibly hard to live with because of this, but she has improved immeasurably as she has matured and our step family situation has settled down. I think the suggestions to do something together are good ones as she will probably behave very differently when here dad is not around. You won't be able to force her to be with you obviously, but what if your dh were to go out and leave you together. Or could you pick her up from home or school?

Hi Otto, I work full time and DP works shifts so I can't collect her from home or school and we are both uncomfortable around each other at the moment so I don't think it's good timing to throw us together alone but I will try and integrate with her abit more gradually and build up to us doing something together. I need to break through these feelings of resentment and dislike towards her because she's obviously picking up vibes which isn't helping.

phoebe, apart from the incident about the toy, do you usually have your DPs support? It can make things feel so much worse if you feel you're completely on your own - I've been there. That's why I came on this site

I've been with my DP for 22 months now, I still feel resentment at times, and there are also times when I feel its "them and me" iyswim

Try not to be too hard on yourself, being a stepmum is very, very hard

NAAM It's not that he's not supportive, he just doesn't see my problem with DSD, she can do no wrong in anyones eyes and he devotes all his attentions to her whenever we have her so I feel left out anyway - she just can't or won't play on her own at all so he entertains her constantly, she becomes the adult and he becomes the child - 'you do this' and 'you do that'. I'm not prepared to do that so don't really fit in with their ways I feel so alien, but its not just DP its the whole family - she gets constant attention from anyone she demands it from because she's the only child they come in contact with. I have explained to him and he tried to understand but I know he doesn't really - its his daughter and he loves her.

I can totally relate to every single thing in your last post phoebe. My DP is the only child, as are both his parents so you can imagine how spoilt his dd is

It will get better in time, honestly it will, and you do have time on your side with his dd being so young, but you need your DPs support. He has to try to understand that you don't share his feelings for his dd and if he doesn't start to include you in things and encourage his dd to do the same, things can only get worse for you

Do keep posting if it helps. Don't know about you but I was sooooooo pleased when I found this site. It was such a huge relief to know I wasn't on my own and that most other stepmums feel the same way

It is such a relief to find this site :) :). I had brought books and tried talking to friends but unless they have had experience of SC they can't help - all I got was 'kids will be kids' and 'but she's lovely' and 'but you only have her weekends' - yeh when you pay her attention she is lovely but you have a five year old invade your life and your space every weekend and see how you like it - I thought I was going to go mad - this site I think could be my saving grace. I no longer feel like evil, selfish, bitter, twisted woman from hell who just doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. I'm normal (well sort of) !! Sorry if I'm rambling its just so nice to express some of these bottled up feelings.

You are normal, believe me

This site certainly saved my relationship - I very much doubt I'd still be with my DP without the help and support I've had on here

I find it infuriating when people say "the situation isn't her fault you know" I just want to scream "it isn't my bloody fault either!!"

EXACTLY :o. Another one is "well you have to see if from her point of view, she's only 5" - yes I am trying that but why won't anyone see if from mine!!!

My relationship with DP has been strained recently, but the support I've received on this site has made me smile again - I will battle on !!