Is is ok to stay out of the way when SD is over?

[warriorwoman]

Hi

After 12 years together I thought things would get easier as SD's got older, but they haven't. They are both adults now and although I get on with the youngest SD, I don't really like oldest SD. We have had a difficult relationship over the years and she has been quite a bitch at times towards me and DH. He is a disney dad and has not done any real disciplining over the years, but he has with my own DD, picking her up for lots of things.
It seems like they want to come over even more now at the weekends to have dinner and DH rushes around cooking and fussing. When youngest SD comes on her own it's ok, but oldest SD it is just stressful. I feel very uncomfortable, DD just wants to stay in her room the whole time and I don't want to be around either. I have gone out a few times lately, but I am running out of ideas!

When I used to go to my Dad's, his wife used to go off and do her own thing and I never really saw much of her, so is that ok for me to do that? I have done it a couple of times and DH has tried to make me feel guilty, says it's difficult to explain it, but I just don't want to be around her.
I wonder if anyone else has this issue and what they did to make things easier? I don't have a relationship with her at any other time, so it's not like she comes round to see me.

BTW am dreading Christmas already, I know it's only 1 day. When they were younger they never wanted to come over for Christmas Day, even though DH asked them to every year. Now SD invites herself!

I have thought about leaving (again) because I don't know how this will work itself out...
I would appreciate any suggestions.
Thank you x

Hi Warrior Woman,
I think your DH needs to take some responsibility here. You don't say but is SD still a right b*tch to you and your daughter? Do you think there is any chance she's changing and you could all move on?

IMO if SD is still acting like a spoilt brat towards you as an adult then you are within your rights not to want to be part of it. Your DH will have to have that difficult talk with his DD and the guilt should be all his. But is she changing into an adult and losing the brattiness? maybe bridges can be rebuilt? Can't your DH get her to ask before coming over? You maybe able to control the situation better. He could explain that as just good manners?

If you're thinking about leaving then tell DH that, some men do not understand how bad things can affect us and need it spelled out. Hopefully he will be supportive to you. Good luck

Is something going with SD's relationship with her mother that means she no longer feels welcome there and feels the need to reclaim her dad?

Yes I was going to say what Mortimer's Raven has - has something happened with Mum? Strange that after spending Xmas with Mum every year they now want to spend with Dad?
I suppose it's difficult with adult step-children to put a routine in place so you know when they're coming - mine are younger so I always have notice and can plan around it. Not sure how I'd cope with the atmosphere suddenly changing when they dropped round on a whim - that can't be easy.
Yes, DH should take responsibilty. I'd be honest with him about how you feel and see what he's got to say for himself. Ask him to formulate a plan that works for everyone and relay it to his daughters. Presumably if SD's are adults they have some concept of the awkwardness between you; I doubt the suggestion that you and your daughter need some space would come as a big shock?

There's nothing wrong with detaching/staying out of the way, but it doesn't solve the underlying problem.

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes, you are right about her Mum, she has always been selfish and a b*tch and wants everything on her terms, but now they are older they don't fall out with her more often and at Christmas they don't want to do what she is doing.

Yes, when they were younger I knew that every 2 weeks they would be coming over and I could get myself ready for it. Now they just call the day or night before and ask if they can come over. DH would never say no, because he is trying to make up for his guilt at not being there as much as he could have been and so says yes to everything, or asks me what I think. If I say no, then I feel guilty because he would have said yes if it was up to him. I have been honest to him about how I feel, but although he seems to understand, he doesn't really and he just sees it as a temporary feeling that will go away and really we are all one big happy family, he is just so oblivious to how me and DD are feeling. When I tell him it ends in an argument because he gets so defensive.
SD has changed a bit, she is not a bitch to my face and hasn't said anything to me directly for quite a while, but she is very manipulative and lays on the guilt trip to DH. When she comes over she just eats, watches TV, sleeps, on her phone and expects everyone else to take care of her son, who is running about all over the place. She just sits there ignoring him and telling him to go and play upstairs with DD! DH is in the kitchen making the best dinner they have ever had, because apparently they never eat a hot meal and he is also taking care of her child whilst she does nothing and he says nothing. Then he moans about it afterwards. When I say to him 'well don't do it then' he says 'well it's nice that they want to come over though...'
It just makes me so angry and I know I could probably just let it go, but I just don't want to be around when it's going on, it's been going on too long...

Oh wow she's got her own child so you have a step-grandchild running around too? i assumed she was a teenager. She sounds super-lazy!!!

Your dh needs to tell her to grow up. She's the parent now for Christ's sake. Why can't she produce her own hot meals?!

I'm not surprised you're ready to flip. That's Disneying to the max....and it's not a great example to be setting your dd either. I'd go nuts.

How old is your DD ? How old is the grandchild ? Does she not have a partner ? There's lots going on here . Surely your DH wants to see and spend time with his grandchild and I'm not criticising but have you not tried bonding with the grandchild? My sister has step grandchildren ( has known them since birth ) and is like a proper grandparent to them .

SD is 24, her son is 5, she doesn't have a partner, but her son does see his dad regularly. She really does need to grow up... But DH likes to baby them, it makes him feel better about his guilt. My DD has lost all respect for DH and it creates a very difficult home life.

Yes, DH does want to spend time with his grand-child and I don't want to get in the way of that. I have tried to bond with him and have looked after him before (without any thanks), I have been excluded from most big things in SD's life and that has carried over with DH's grand-son. I have tried really hard over the years, but it has just worn me down, to the point, I don't want to try anymore, because it just seems like I am the one always trying and having to put up with things.
Your right, Petal, detaching won't solve the underlying problem, but then if everyone is not prepared to do something to change things then it can't be solved.

If DSD mainly wants someone else to look after her DS - would it help if you/DH offered to look after her DS without her being around? Offer to take him out somewhere, just with you and DH,to "give his mum a break" or whatever you'd need to do to sell it to her. Might give you a chance to bond with the grandchild without the difficult DSD getting in the way?

But otherwise, don't see any reason why you shouldn't go out some of the time, or indeed why your DH shouldn't see his DD at her house, or go out with her somewhere some of the time too. Not suggesting that you never see her, but just to make it less frequent then you don't feel under so much pressure.