If you have step-children and then have a baby of your own...

[Ginda]

how does it change things? Please tell me honestly.

I have 2 DCs aged 8 and 11. Their dad has been with their stepmum for about 7 years and they see them most weekends. Stepmum has always been good with them - does their homework with them, is nice to them etc.

Recently she has had her own (much longed-for) baby. She's made it quite clear that hey baby is now her priority, which I suppose is quite understandable but I feel sad for my DCs, who up to now have been the sole focus of attention in that house, as they are in mine.

I know someone who was in the same situation, i.e. had 2 stepchildren who she was very involved with and then had her own child. She said to me that, no matter how much you love your step kids, it never compares with the love for your own child. Is this true?

I've only read op so appols if I'm repeating what's already been said!
When I had DS I suddenly realised that having DSC's is never the same, the honest truth is that you just don't have that rush of unconditional love. However, what it made me realise is that I really like my DSC's, unlike with DS, there's no biological factor giving me no choice but to love them, I just do. So in a way it's made me feel closer to them iyswim.
I should also add that I did find it difficult to get the balance right in the 1st few months. DS was after all my 1st baby and all consuming, as and 1st babies are, but I think now (16 months on!) we're all closer than ever. It also helped very much that their DM was incredibly supportive, as it sounds like you are op!

Thanks both.

Cloverhoney, as we haven't had solicitors involved since the divorce was finalised, I think it might be a bit heavy-handed to send a solicitor's letter first, so I have drafted an email to him along the lines you suggest - explaining how circumstances have changed and I think it's time to review the weekend contact. Then ending by asking if he agrees and if not, why not.

I hope this will at least force him to give some reasons behind his "no", though past experience suggests he will just reply with a sarcastic and pompous message that deals with his feelings but not the children's needs in any way.

So if he does that I think I'll suggest mediation straight away.

I am just wondering though whether, if he does not agree and doesn't give any proper (in the interests of the children) reasons, I can just say "well we're doing it anyway", or whether I should go through mediation first before insisting we must do alternate weekends now.

And if he refuses mediation, then can I just start doing alternate weekends, or do I have to apply for a contact order setting that out (bearing in mind we have never had a contact order before)?

ginda without a court order you can do whatever you want, whenever you choose - but so can he. (I assume that he has PR?)

So, if you decided to change to EOW, you could tell him, but there's nothing to stop him turning up at the DCs school and picking them up, or refusing to return them after holiday contact for instance.

most parents don't do this - but if you have a difficult ex who puts his own desires ahead of the DCs then it's worth knowing where you stand legally before you make a decision as to how you are going to proceed.

Ok. I had been thinking that as exH is the one who will be aggrieved, HE would have to make the application for a court order, on the basis of MY breach of the previous "agreement".

The alternative is that I apply for an order on the basis that I want "permission" to vary the previous arrangement. But on the "no order" principle by which courts will not make an order relating to children unless it is absolutely necessary, I thought perhaps in these circs a court might say well there isn't a dispute at the moment so we don't need to make an order.

ginda yes, in theory, if he is aggrieved with changes you have made, then he should seek mediation and a court decision if it can't be resolved BUT - if he more likely to take matters into his own hands and resolve the issue by undermining the arrangements you have put in place - turning up at school to pick the DCs up, or arrive on the doorstep and demand they go with him, for instance - then it's probably better for you to seek legal advice first.

Sorry Ginda, I've just read more of the thread and realised that your situation is far more complecated than mine!
I hope you and your ex manage to find the best situation for your DC's

No worries Ontonewthings, I am glad that your situation is so uncomplicated! And thanks for your post about the new baby.

Hi Ginda, just wanted to pop back and say I totally agree with NADM. If you write from a solicitor, hopefully it will give your request that bit more oomph and he may sit up and listen. Maybe be prepared to go and see someone after you've written your email - unless of course he agrees with you (can't see that though!).

FWIW, going back to the original question, my DSs have a half sibling with their dad and SM, whom they adore (the sibling I mean!). Their SM has said to me that she finds it easier being a SM now that she is a mum as well, although she has also said she doesn't feel that unconditional love for them that she feels for her own child. Which is honest and I'm glad she said it. She has always treated my DSs fairly and consistently, so I'm lucky, I have nothing to complain about!

You have to do mediation before going to court - I think that requirement was introduced within the last 12 months.

So I'd end your email by simply saying something along the lines of "If you don't agree, I plan on seeking a mediation referral as I feel so strongly about this". That should indicate to him that you are serious, and prepared to take matters further without actually sending a solicitor's letter. It also leaves you in a good light as you're demonstrating that you'd prefer to get things sorted without involving the courts.

There is no contact order. The arrangements stems from what was agreed in the divorce, when the DCs were much younger and their needs completely different. I also made it clear at the time that this should be reviewed as their needs changed

I think this is real issue, and the new baby has just been the catalyst for reviewing the arrangements. I?m not a huge fan of ?set in stone? access arrangements, simply because real life isn?t set in stone. An arrangement that makes sense in, say, 2003 ? may work well because of the child?s age, the distance between the mother and father?s houses, shift patterns, siblings etc etc . HOWEVER, this same arrangement may not work so well, or even work at all, when we arrive in (for example) 2012 and the child is older, has friends/social life, has changed school, the parents may have moved further apart and jobs may have changed.

In the case of the OP, if parents can?t agree on which party should have the children for weekends, ie if 2 weekends in 3 (or whatever) doesn?t work for one parent, then I agree that an EOW arrangement would probably be fairest ? each parent gets the same amount of weekends as the other, and it gives the children a 50% chance of being able to attend parties/activities etc. Whilst I agree that the NRP shouldn?t have to spend all their time running the child to arrangements made by the RP, there are also geographical/practical considerations too. The most recent issues we had, is that DSS wanted to work shifts in his ?home? village whilst staying with us during access weekends. This meant that DH was spending most of his weekend on the road between the two locations, driving 240 miles over the course of the weekend. It transpired that both DSS and the ex would rather have DSS give up his weekend job, if it couldn?t be accommodated within the rota. Pure insanity. Thankfully this has now been addressed, but sometimes the parents just live too far apart for the child to maintain their normal routine when visiting the NRP.

I realise the children in question are younger than my stepson, but agree with the poster who suggested that it?s not healthy to put the rota before everything else, because you can end up with a child who does absolutely nothing, simply because it can?t be accommodated within that rota (as per my paragraph above). You end up with a child who can?t think outside the rota, and factors the rota into anything social/extra-curricular he/she may want to do and they do become almost institutionalised.

I cringed when I read that the OP?s ex will only allow the stepchildren to attend a sleepover on ?his? weekend if the time is ?made up? the following weekend ? my stepson has been so brainwashed to be rota-compliant that he?s the one who insists that any time lost with his father has to be made up as soon as possible. He once went on a sponsored walk with his school, which took up 3 hours he should have spent with his father, so he wanted to extend his weekend stay by an extra night to ?balance the books? so to speak. He?s now 18 and still insists on spending an exact amount of hours with his father per week. I?d hate to see any other young people end up like this.

Thanks Cloverhoney. Will polish up email and then wait for a suitable time to send it. Think I will speak to the DCs about it one more time to make sure that they understand more time at home at weekends means less time with Dad. They always say they understand this but I would hate for him to ask them and them say they hadn't thought of it like that (which is the sort of thing that children stuck wanting to please both parents say).