If you have step-children and then have a baby of your own...

[Ginda]

how does it change things? Please tell me honestly.

I have 2 DCs aged 8 and 11. Their dad has been with their stepmum for about 7 years and they see them most weekends. Stepmum has always been good with them - does their homework with them, is nice to them etc.

Recently she has had her own (much longed-for) baby. She's made it quite clear that hey baby is now her priority, which I suppose is quite understandable but I feel sad for my DCs, who up to now have been the sole focus of attention in that house, as they are in mine.

I know someone who was in the same situation, i.e. had 2 stepchildren who she was very involved with and then had her own child. She said to me that, no matter how much you love your step kids, it never compares with the love for your own child. Is this true?

izzywizzyisbizzy I completely disagree that the DC's social life should come first. What is more important is their relationship with their father. If this was the other way round and a bloke posting this he would be slated. Surely if the dc's want friends round they can do so after school during the week? My dsd's are here half the time - sometimes they miss things with us because they are at their mums and vice versa. That's life.

This family have a new baby - cut them some slack. Things will settle down. It's not the end of the world if these two children don't get everything they want for a few months. They have a new sibling and it would be better for them if the adults focused on the positives in this.

glasscompletelybroken are you my exH?

He has expressed the view that all interaction with friends should happen in the week because he is more important at weekend time.

I pointed out that this is not possible because the children go to Brownies/cubs and a swimming lesson, which occupies 2 after-school sessions a week. Other children do things on other days. Fridays are out because 2 Fridays out of 3, the DCs have to go to his. So it is not possible to organise mid-week playing.

He said I was lying, which just goes to show how out of touch he is with the realities of organising life with children of this age.

I do not think the DCs should be free to do whatever they want at weekends - but I do think that if they had every other weekend at home, that would be fairer as they would have at least a 50% chance of being able to do something without upsetting their father by asking to do it when they "should" be with him.

Glass, it's all very well to say "that's life", but when the kids' social lives come a very very poor second to seeing their father - 2 weekends out of 3, and he refuses to allow them to any parties, or on any play dates, then that has surely gone too far.

I'm not advocating that the whole family should drop everything if one of the DCs has a party to go to - that too would be silly, and yes, sometimes you have to miss things. But if this dad refuses to allow any invitations, and the DCs are with him 3 weekends out of 4 in a month, that's too much.

Yes, the DCs can see friends after school - but OP works full time, so I imagine that's difficult. It must be v difficult for kids who are only at the OP's 1 weekend in 3 to build real solid friendships, because so much (especially for the 11 year old) is built around shared times playing out. I have 2 DSs and am divorced from their dad, and I already feel that 2 weekends here out of 4 holds them back on that social front - and they have a dad who happily takes them to parties, and "allows" them to have contact with their friends on "his" weekends. There is the difference - this father seems to think that on "his" weekends, the DCs should just be with him, and no-one else. This is madness IMO. The father seems to think he "owns" them and their time. As they grow older, will they still have to go and spend 2 weekends out of 3 with their father? This isn't developing them into independent human beings. When they are 20, who are their most important relationships? That with their father, or that with their peers/girlfriend?

I haven't seen the OP saying anywhere on this thread that she doesn't want them to have a positive relationship with the new sibling.

If I were you OP, I'd be going to see a solicitor to see if there is anything I could do to change contact into alternate weekends. If you don't do anything and keep giving into your ex's demands, your children are learning that they should give into his bullying too. I do understand your trepidation, and you sound scared of him, that's why I say go and get some professional advice as to what you can do from here.

Sorry I don't mean at the expense of the relationship with their dad - but eow and Half hols gives them a chance of doing both.

Experience tells me it's better not to end up with teens with no interests.

And I'm sure the new baby will have a full social life in time.

Ginda what you are saying is that it is more important that your dc's go to after school clubs than it is to have their friends round, but that it is more important to have their friends round than it is to see their dad. I disagree.

It is a fact that people break up for a reason. You and your ex have split up and don't get on. I don't get on with my ex but his new partner seems not to have any complaints! We don't agree on much and I would think it is the same for most seperated couples.

If you want more weekends then you could go to court for a formal agreement but you may have to be prepared for it not to go your way. He may be a useless waste of space to you but, if you leave out your own naturally coloured opinions of his character, he just sounds like someone who wants to spend time with his children and wants his children from his previous relationship to form a strong bond with their new sibling.

You only have to read some of Petal's threads to see what damage can be done by a teen being forced to stick to rigid access routines, and not being allowed to grow up and start making choices for themselves.

They are 8 & 11. I have strongly supported Petal in her attempts to get her dss to grow up but these kids are much younger and need to have time with both parents.

I repeat what I said earlier - if a man had posted this everyone would be up in arms about it. Just because the OP can;t arrange everything she wants to with her kids because they spend time at their dad's doesn't mean they should spend less time at their dads. Just means that - as for everyone - you can't have and do everything you want all the time. And it would be better to ficus on the positives rather than letting your own feelings make the kids feel they are missing out.

glasscompletelybroken, that is not what I'm saying, no. I think you lack some clarity of thinking if you make the considerable leap from "my DCs spend 2 afternoons a week doing activities AND like to see their friends, who also do things in the week, so playing together is mainly at the weekends" to "I think it is more important for them to have friends round than see their dad".

I've stated quite clearly that I think they should see their dad - every other weekend. I believe that alternate weekends is the usual contact arrangement so I'm not sure why you think I'm being so unreasonable.

I don't think he's a useless waste of space either - just not a considerate parent.

And it's not a question of "arranging everything I want" with my kids. I can't arrange anything I want. One of my children is overweight (as is the father) and wants to do more sport to counteract that. This DC has asked the father to do sport at weekends and the father refuses. Instead he takes him to fast food outlets at weekends. The DCs go to a state primary which does not offer any extra sport and only have 2 games lessons a week. I am only able to do sport at the weekend with this DC once every three weeks. How does that serve this child's interests? It doesn't.

I work full time because my exH stopped all maintenance during the divorce proceedings and told me he would not pay spousal maintenance to enable me to remaina SAHM because he would be starting a new family. So now I work full time instead and therefore can't do these things with the DCs in the week as I would like to. Weekends are the only time. Once every three weeks.

My feelings don't make the kids feel they are missing out - going to school on Monday morning having missed the party that every other child in the class went to and are all talking about makes them feel they miss out. They are old enough to know what goes on around them.

That was not a considerable leap. You said they couldn't see friends after school because of after school clubs and yet you think they should give up a weekend a month with their dad to see friends rather than giving up an after school club.

I don't know that eow is "usual" anymore and it's generally seen as good if dads want to spend more time with their kids. Also this is an arrangement you presumably agreed to which has been in place for along time. Courts like to keep the status quo. eow would not seem so much to you if you were the parent being offered that.

No, glasscompletelybroken, I said that they couldn't see friends after school because (1) they have things on 2 days a week, (2) their friends have things on another 2 days a week and (3) most Fridays are out because of going to their father's. It is the combination of these things that means socialising happens at weekends. Not just for my DCs, for ALL the kids in their classes. Even if I stopped their Brownies/Cubs/swimming, it is not in my control to force other parents to make their children available mid-week, and I have found that most other mothers do not want to have play dates after school because by the time homework is done and tea cooked, there is not much time even without any activities in the way.

Nor did I say they should "give up" a weekend a month to see friends. I said I thought alternate weekends would be a fairer way of ensuring that (a) they have "quality" time with both parents and (b) they can see their friends at weekends sometimes without having to have the painful conversation with their dad where they ask him, he says no, they get upset, he gets upset, and then he emails/texts abuse to me (and by the way, I never get involved in these conversations any more because it's no skin off my nose if the kids can't go to something because of their dad, and I'm no longer prepared to listen to him accusing me of perverting his relationship with his children by "allowing them to see invitations before you have consulted me". They are 8 and 11! They talk to their friends!)

I agreed to this arrangement when they were 1 and 3 and had no activities of their own. I also made it clear at the time that that should be reviewed as their needs changed.

Do you honestly think it is fair for a resident parent, who works full time, to only have one weekend in every three with the children, while the NRP, who has chosen to go and live over an hour away thus making mid-week contact impossible, has 2/3rds of the quality weekend time? Or are you trying to stir?

Actually Glass, I think that 80 miles or not, he should be prepared to make the effort to get them to parties and things on his weekends, and he should be inviting their friends over for play dates.

I can't see that happening, which is why I think EOW would be better.

I wouldn't agree with a situation where a child couldn't take part in a weekend activity, regardless of which parent was creating that situation. Bascially they cannot do sport (weekend), dance (weekend shows and competitions), any scout/brownie weekend activities, which there will be as they get older.

I think the dad should be prepared to compromise his own life in order to better theirs, which it appears he isnt willing to do. He needs to get off his arse and do stuff that suits them and not him, they are with him 2/3 weekends, he should find them an activity and he certainly should not have stopped Saturday club, simply because he has another child, when I had my second family, I would moved heaven and earth to ensure that my existing child continued with his usual activities.

Its wrong to suddenly decide the things that were important arent any more.

I appreciate that the view I'm putting across is not popular but you could also argue that it's not fair for the nrp to have their weekends taken up with activities organised around the rp's home life.

People are making a lot of assumptions based on the OP's view of her ex which may not be an accurate reflection of him now - several years after they seperated.

And I am sure that eow would not seem like much if you were the parent being offered that.

The tone of some of these replies astounds me - if the SM had been posting about the same situation, she would be supported and encouraged to back off from her DSC and leave her DP to take responsibility for his DCs - whereas the OP posts from the perspective of the DCs mum and is told that she has to accept her ex delegating his responsibility to someone else!

Only the stepmum concerned knows I'd she has been happy to raise her DP's DCs up until now or whether she bears resentment like many of the SM who post here. Many would say that she has been overstepping and it is a testament to the OPs commitment to her DCs that she is worried that they will get less attention, rather than complaining about the SM role in her DCs life.

What cannot be disputed is that the SM life has changed. She is now a mum. And no matter how much she loves and is committed to her DSC, her own DC will inevitably come first.

The OP is understandably worried about whether her ex can step up and parent his DCs now he can no longer delegate that responsibility to someone else. She has presented a lot of evidence that suggests that the DCs Dad will not fulfil that role in his DCs life.

OP - I was where you are only a few months ago. I spent three years going along with my ex's wishes, all of which he presented as in my DDs best interests.
I realise now that I was failing her.

I did stand up for what I believed was right for DD, I did challenge my ex in the face if his accusations and threats. It turns out, that like all bullies, he isn't prepared to see through his threats. Once he knew I was serious and would not be swayed, he conceded. I strongly recommend that you seek mediation - it will give you the chance to tell him that you do not agree with his perception of reality. Once you have got that out in the open and made that stand - doing the right things for your DCs will become a lot easier.

Good luck

Glasscompletelybroken, what you've said there sums up the difficulty with your thinking. It isn't "the NRP's weekend". It's the children's weekend with the NRP. Contact is not about the parents' rights, it's about the children's right to a relationship with both parents. If one of my DCs wants to spend half one of the weekends they are at home at a sleepover, I don't say "no you have to stay with me because this is MY one weekend in three." But if exH ever "allows" them to go to anything like a sleepover, it's only on condition that the time be made up out of the next weekend they are due to spend with me!

ginda are you sure that you're not me?

In my last mediation with my ex (we've had LOTS!) I said those very same words to him.

I had continually referred to DDs time in emails and texts despite his constant reference to his time.
When he said but that's MY time to me in mediation I finally snapped and said - no, it's not. It's DDs time . The mediator backed me and he deflated like a balloon!

NADM talks total sense.

Glass, Ginda's last post has it spot on. When I referred to Petal's posts before, this is exactly the kind of situation which, if left unchallenged at 8 and 11, results in teens like Petal's SS.

"you could also argue that it's not fair for the nrp to have their weekends taken up with activities organised around the rp's home life" - this is exactly the point - so far as I can tell, the OP isn't demanding that the father has his weekends taken up with activities she's organised for the DCs - she's asking that they spend time at the weekend with both parents. Not 3/4 of weekend time with their dad, who lives 80 miles from where they live the rest of the time, and where their friends are.

The contact was agreed when the children were 1 and 3. If it had been agreed by the court, the court would review this, as there have been significant changes - the children are at school 5 days a week, their mother now works full time in order to support them, and the children are older and are beginning to have independent friendships. The father in this situation seems to be ignoring all of this.

NotaDisneymum, thanks for your thoughtful post. There have been lots of times where I haven't been happy about the SM's involvement in mine and the DCs' lives but that is a bit off topic as in the main, the good she does is well outweighed by the more questionable things (like asking my DCs to call her "our other Mum" and that the only reason they had ended up living with me was because Dad had a full time job and I hadn't, but now that I had, the DCs would be better of living with her and exH because she was at home all day to look after them (pre-baby) ).

I just want to avoid the very nasty emails and texts from exH if I try to change contact. But I don't think it is realistic to stick with the current arrangements as the DCs approach puberty and then the teenage years when they are not going to want to hang out much with either of their parents, never mind be forced to decamp to their dad's house nearly every weekend.

NADM it sounds like we have a lot in common! When you did mediation, did you have lawyers or just yourselves and the mediator?

If your ex us anything like mine then it's impossible to avoid nasty emails and texts - even when you go sling with everything, there is still some slight or another that he will pick up on.

My ex lectures me (by email) about how sad and disappointed he is on DDs behalf, how I clearly despise him more than I love DD and how he is trying his hardest and he just wished that I could do the same !

After a while, they become water off a ducks back and if I'm going to get them anyway, I might as well make it worth while and stand up for DD while I'm doing it

It was just us and a mediator - well, one at a time but we've seen several - the first company we used deemed ex unmediable after he accused the mediator of bias and threatened (his words) the mediator with legal action

I've still not ruled out a court order - I've put some new boundaries in place recently and if the agreement we reached is broken this time, then I'll take my chances and apply for a residency order.

NADM I thought my exH was one of a kind but it sounds as though he has a twin. They are horrible aren't they?

Ginda.... My DH is going through the court system atm regarding my SC.

I know you don't want a horrid court battle etc but I think I'm right in saying that offering your ex EOW and half of holidays is utterly reasonable sooooo.....how about getting your solicitor to write to him offering this. Give reasons that your initial contact schedule was drawn up when your kids were tiny and you were at home. Say that the situation has changed; you now work and your kids are older hence have extra-curricular activities and social lives to consider.

Hopefully your ex will take the letter to his own solicitor who SHOULD advise him that this is a reasonable proposal andlikely to be considered so by the courts. Your ex will also presumably want to avoid a lengthy and expensive court battle and might back down?? Would that be worth a shot?