DP has a big fat mouth!

[coolmango]

My DP, (who is wonderful in every other way than his big fat mouth), and I have decided to get a dog.

Straightforward you may think.......

DP has told DSD that we are getting one between now and Christmas.

I think this is too soon as we still need to decorate AND decide if we are going to stay here at all, (currently renting and the house feels too small for DD3, DS13, and DSD 8.

I pay all the food bills and feel it is unfair to add another 40 - 50 a fortnight to this without prior consultation.

DP & DSD actually came back from a dog shelter 6 mths ago and announced he had found the dog we were getting. I said no as DP works away for 2 weeks at a time and DSD visits once a fortnight or 3 - 4 days. We also have her in the holidays for weeks at a time.

DP's argument is that he has promised her a dog and he does not want to break his word.

My arguement is that..

1. DD3 is terrified of dogs and will need acclimatising to this. (mAY TAKE TIME).

1. It will be me that primarily walks, feeds, picks up poop, trains the dog.

1. I will be working so DS 13 will have to help with the above.

1. I have certain rules that he has dismissed about said dog not being allowed upstairs, on furniture, at the dining table whilst eating etc....

1. We can't get a puppy, as cute as they are, because I don't have time to train it.

I am so angry that he told his daughter we would have a dog by Christmas that I feel like sabotaging the whole thing, esp. when he has said she can pick the dog.......that I will be looking after!!????

I am so sick of hearing DSD say every week......when are we getting a puppy..... and DP taking her to see them. She then falls in love with one and expects him to take it home and is disappointed.

Why can't DP take the usual route of we will see, instead of predicting stupid timelines that I am expected to go along with.

DSD has also suggested ridiculous dog breeds that I WILL BE TAKING CARE OF...Pugs, (breathing problems, Vets bills), (Sausage dogs...),I want a dog that can walk faster then me....(Japanese Akita), beautiful dog, but I have a 3 yr old and probably not a good mix.

I think the main point of my gripe is that he has not only told DSD that she is the owner of the dog, but that she can pick whatever she likes.......and she likes the trendy, shivering lap dogs of today. He has also said she will have one before Xmas.

I am furious as I would be expected to feed, care for,this creature who I have not invited into my household. I would prefer a dog that I can actually walk, and the other kids in the house have been positive about, Doberman or Beagle.

should point out that I was raised with Rottweilers, German Shepherds, and Yorkshire Terriers. The yorkies were the worst for aggression and I would not have one in my house with kids again.Would def. have another Rotty or German Shep though. Fantastic with kids

Gosh I don't think anyone should be getting a dog here without actually sitting down as a family and discussing it properly.

For starters, if you're looking at getting a rescue dog rather than a puppy I seriously doubt the dog's home will allow you to have one if your DD3 is 'terrified of dogs'...why would you want to put her through the trauma of one turning up in her home?

Then there's the fact you will be working and you're expecting a 13yr old to help walk, feed, pick up poop and train this dog. 13yr olds are notorious for agreeing to all these things until the novelty wears off...so please remember the car of the dog lies with the adults in the house and not the children.

Why is all the care likely to be down to you and not your DP?

You don't really sound happy to take on all this responsibility as you don't appear to have the time and the support.

Seriously, I would not get a dog if I were you and if I worked in the rescue home, I wouldn't release a dog into your family's care as it's quite likely to end up back in the home again at some point

Have you thought about a different animal...one that doesn't take as much time and looking after?

I have thought of other creatures...........I had a weather eel for 10yrs.

I love dogs and don't want to see one thrust upon me for DSD's sake.

How about a couple of kittens? Irresistibly cute, pretty independent with a cat flap?

If you really must bow to it all i suggest a family trip to the dogs home where one will be matched as closely as possibly with your family. A puppy with a 3 year old.. you're brave.. picking up accidents in the house before the baby walks in them

Maybe if you choose it as a family .. family pet rather than for a child who will probably lose interest a few weeks down the line.. ?

I can't say much, i have a great dane and prefer reptiles to all other animals except dogs :)

Are you cross because its going to be DSD's choice .. 'her' dog as opposed to everyone's dog.. i agree its unfair that this all looks like it's going to be lumped in your direction and eugh @ those shivery little dogs wouldn't have one myself either

Give the shelter a ring, or have a quiet word with the home checker when they visit - make it clear that you are not comfortable with the situation.
Rescue centres won't rehome a dog unless everyone who will be responsible for the dog is happy.

Tell dh that if he is so keen to get a dog for dsd on his timescale then fine but that it will be his and dsd's dog rather than a family dog that you were proposing getting when you talked about it initially and fend him of the conditions you mentioned on here.

Fo on to say that to that end he can pay for it's food and vet bills etc. And do all the walking, training, taking out, clearing up after it... And that if he's away then either dsd takes the dog home with her to look after or he takes it away with him, you don't currently have the resources to look after it. And that you will have no hesitation in taking it back to the shelter.

All said in a very reasonable way rather than strident tones so he can't accuse you of being unreAsonable - and just keep reminding him he is expecting you to do and pay lots more than he.will do himself.

Don't do it. Just say no - DP can deal with the fallout from making idiotic promises to his DD. You will be primary carer, cleaner, feeder, etc, with no letup, and no doubt the DSD will still leave the icky stuff to you even when she's there. The whole situation sounds dreadful.

Agree with nanocushion.
Your DP is ignoring your concerns, ignoring the needs of you and the other children, and making decisions without your input or approval. (My DH has done this on a couple of major things as well, and I really think it is one of the most damaging things he could do, sp you have hit a chord with me!) Plus your DP doesn't even seem to realise when he's screwed up or take any notice of your feelings about it all. :(

To be honest, I don't know why you ever agreed even in principle to the idea, given his disregard for the very real complications you raised.

I would not be having quiet words with the shelters, or making trips to look at breeds - it has already gone too far. Time to say no, in no uncertain terms. I would tell DP, and DSD if she's around, that there will be no dog. That the discussion is closed for the time being. I would probably say something to DP like "The way you have gone about this has made it very clear that my wishes and concerns are being ignored. Under those circumstances, there will be no dog in this house. When and if you are ready to discuss me getting a dog, as I will be the primary carer and the responsible party, let me know and we can begin from scratch."

There is no way. If YOU are getting a dog to walk and feed and groom and be responsible for, then it is your dog and your choice. No animal should come ino that house without agreement between you and your DP. And as the one looking after it, you have a right to actually get some pleasure from the animal. If you guys end up getting a dog, after resolving all those other issues, get one that you love and enjoy.

Nothing beats the time that DSD announced she wanted a cat, but because her mum wouldn't allow it, it would have to live at our house. I explained i would but couldn't as our dog would kill it.

Now if DSD had said this i would have brushed it off as childlike reasoning, but no, it was DP..

'Well we could always get rid of the dog'

You're obviously well up on what it entails to look after a dog and the huge responsibility of that. Your DP on the other hand, seems to be treating the prospect as if the animal were just another toy ... something that looks nice which SD can play with every so often. He's being ridiculous, irresponsible and perhaps even rather cruel (as in, raising SD's hopes) by taking her to view dogs without you - its main carer! - AND, telling her she can have one before Xmas. Looks like he's giving absolutely no thought whatsoever to the rest of the family at all - and, so far as he's concerned, this is something to indulge SD with.

The more I think about this, the more I think he's being a total nobber (sorry!). Any animal should be a joint decision between the adults and really, the kids' opinions shouldn't come into it - apart from obvious considerations like allergies, fear of said animal, impact on kids of additional expense etc.

I totally agree with what Brdgrl has said ..... this prospective acquisition will have most impact upon you and you really should therefore get the final say. Apart from whether or not you can have a dog (as tennants ?) I'd be most worried about the effect on DD right now. Yes - it'd be good to acclimatise her to dogs generally but I'm not altogether sure that'd be a wise thing to do 24/7 in your own home - which it would be if you got a dog of your own. Perhaps it'd be better to try and get her used to, and relaxed around, a gentle, good natured dog belonging to someone else so she can see it in short bursts to start with ?

Your DP had no right at all to be making unilateral promises to SD and I just hope he doesn't turn up one day with a dog he's chosen all on his own (which would be bad enough in itself) regardless of all the other concerns - DD's fear, rented property, expense, extra work, suitability of breed etc. Quite apart from anything choosing a dog because a small child thinks it's cute - and to hell with anything else - is potentially disastrous for the dog. Not that I think for a minute you'd be irresponsible, but if you're having to look after a dog you never really wanted in the first place you'd risk feeling very resentful and a dog might pick up on that making things even more difficult if it starts to misbehave.

I think you really need to lay down the law with him. Tell him a big fat no - he will just have to apologise to SD and say he made a mistake in promising something without thinking it through properly. You're not saying "never", just saying "not now" with good reason, and need to sort out a load of other stuff before this idea might become reality.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight . Words fail me!

Completely agree with everything brdgrl said

Plus, if you are renting, are you even allowed to have a dog under the terms of your rental contract?

I think you really need to lay the law down with him. Tell him a big fat no ? he will just have to apologise to SD and say he made a mistake in promising something without thinking it through properly

EXACTLY. Anything less than the above is unacceptable.

The OP isn't closed to the idea of getting a dog, i think like most sane people she wants a FAMILY pet and not one she doesn't like or have any hand in choosing but knows she will get lumped with anyway.

Everyone in the family here gave their opinions on types of dog they liked and why, we picked our breed of dog based on the pick of the list :)

DP can kiss my arse if he thinks i'm going to endanger a cat or get rid of a dog on his say so

Just bumping this up to see if the OP managed to get her DP to see sense? If I don't get a reply, I'll assume she's out walking her new St Bernard .......

He wants to add a dog to "all that" that's going on? He's behaving like a child..... As they say, a dog isn't just for Christmas and a GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT should be going into this before any animal is brought into the home.

YOU OP, are the ONLY voice of reason here. But then as you say, you're the one that'll be responsible for this animal.

There's a very relevant thread about this on AIBU right now. You should have a read of this OP before you make any doggy decisions.

Why is he taking just her on more than one occasion to look at dogs/puppies? It sounds like he's treating it as an activity to do together.

SAY NO.

Your dd is terrified of dogs.
You cannot afford the extra costs.
You will be left with all the shit work keeping dog entails.
You rent(?) and having a dog will limit your options in housing.

He is being a knobber to you and his DD IMO.

This seems to be all about him pleasing his dd and that's nice, but not in the way he's doing it. And it's not good for the animal he's using.

Update:

After a long talk with DP about training, expenses etc. We decided to temporarily foster a rescue dog with a view to adoption if he settles and is right for our family. All the children and ourselves visited him before bringing him home.

So far he gets on great with DD 3. Tail wagging, letting her hug him etc. However he has only met DSD 8 for an hour and is afraid of DS 13. I am not comfortable leaving them both in the same room alone without the dog being muzzled as they have not bonded.

We have 2 weeks to iron out any issues and I have told DP that if he is still uncomfortable around DSD and DS we will not be adopting him.